Alissa Nutting - Tampa

tampa

alissanutting

Contents

tampa

Ispentthenightbeforemyfirstdayofteachinginanexcitedloopofhushedmasturbationonmyside of the mattress, never falling asleep. To bed Id worn, in secret, a silk chemise and sheer panties, beneathmyrobeofcourse,sothatmyhusband,Ford,wouldntpillageme.Healwayswantstoruin

thelandscape.IfindithilariousthatpeoplethinkFordandIaretheperfectcouplebasedsolelyonour looks.Duringhisbestmansspeechatourweddingreception,Fordsbrothersaid,Youtwoarelike thehis-and-herswinnersofthegeneticlottery.Hisvoiceslurringwithnoticeableenvy,hethenadded thatourfaceslookedPhotoshopped.Ratherthanconcludingwithanysortoftoast,hesimplylaidthe microphonebackdownonthetableafterthislastlineandreturnedtohisseat.Hisdatehadalazyeye weallpolitelypretendednottonotice.

IshouldfindFordneedlesslyattractive;everyoneelsedoes.Hes toogood-looking,oneofmy sororitysistersgroanedthenightafterourfirstdoubledatebackincollege.Icantevenlookathim withoutfeelinglikeImbeingpunchedbetweenmylegs.MyrealproblemwithFordisactuallyhis age.Ford,likethehusbandsofmostwomenwhomarryformoney,isfartooold.SinceImtwenty-six myself, its true that he and I are close peers. But thirty-one is roughly seventeen years past my windowofsexualinterest.

IsupposeinsomewaysmarryingFordwasworthitfortheringaloneitslowedthefreneticpace

atwhichidiotmenwouldhitonmeduringdailyerrands.Andofcourseitwasaverynicering.Ford himselfisacop,thoughhisfamilyhasagreatdealofmoney.Ihopedhiswealthmightprovideme withadistraction,butthisbackfireditleftmewithnounfulfilledurgesexceptthesexual.Justweeks after our wedding, I could feel my screaming libido clawing at the ornately papered walls of our gatedsuburbanhome.AtdinnerIbegantositwithmylegsclenchedpainfullytogetherforfearthatif I opened them even the slightest bit, it might unleash a shrill wail that would shatter the crystal wineglasses.Thisdidntstrikemeasanirrationalbelief.Thethrumofdesirehadindeedgrownso loudinsidemeitselectricnetworktouredaconstantcircuitbetweenmytemples,breasts,andthighs

thatamomentwhenlustmightbeabletooperatemylabiaasaventriloquistsdummyandspeak

aloudseemedinevitable.

AllIcouldthinkaboutweretheboysIdsoonbeteaching.Whetherornotitsthecause,Iblame my very first time at fourteen years old in Evan Keller s basement for imprinting me with a fixed mapofarousalmymemoryoftheeventstillflowsthroughmymindinanimatedTechnicolor.Iwas

slightlytallerthanEvaninawaythatmademefeelhalf-godtohismortal:everytimewemadeoutI had to bend down to reach his lips. Since he was smaller, he was on top, performing with the determined athleticism of a triple-crown jockey until his body was covered in sweat. Afterward Id gonetothebathroomandthencalledhimin;withanexpressionofmelancholycuriosity,asthough transfixedatanaquarium,hedwatchedtheruinsofmyhymendriftinginthebluetoiletbowlwater likeitwasthelastremainingsurvivorofaonce-plentifulspecies.Idfeltonlyanelevatingaliveness: itseemedlikeIdjustgivenbirthtothefirstdayofmyactuallife.

WhenEvanhadagrowthspurtafewmonthslateroursexualdynamicchangedIbrokeupwith

him and embarked on a string of repulsive dates with older boys throughout high school before realizingmytrueattractionslaggedseveralyearsbehind.AtuniversityIbeganthrowingmyselfinto classicsstudies,findingbriefsolacefrommysexualfrustrationsintextsdepictingancientbattlesof

ferventbloodshed.ButmyjunioryearaftermeetingFord,Iswitchedmymajortoeducation,andnow Iwasfinallysetwithajobthatwouldallowmetogobacktoeighthgradepermanently.

No, it wouldnt do to have Ford dipping his fingers in the pie on the eve before my years of studentandsubstituteteachingwereabouttopayoff.ThatnightIdtakensuchpainstosetmyselfup perfectly,insideandout,likeamodelhomereadyforviewing.Mylegs,underarms, and pubis had beenshavedandthencreamed;everylotionappliedborethescentofstrawberries.Iwantedmybody toseemmadeofreadilyediblefruit.Insteadofhavingtheflavorofsomethingnearlythreedecades aged,mygoalwasfortheslipperyorgansofmysextotastelikethenear-transparentpinkshaving gele applied to them, for the sandy rouge of my nipples to have the flavor of peach cream complexionscrub.Inthehopesthatthefragrancewouldabsorb,Icoveredeachofmybreastswitha layer of whipped mask and let it sit for ten minutes as I shaved; it hardened like the frosting of a confection and cast my excitement beneath a crisp, thin shell. After Id razored every inch of body hair,Imarveledatthebuoyantlakeoffoamandstubbleleftinthesink.Itmademethinkoftheice creampunchservedatjuniorhighschooldances.

ImaginethefunIcouldsoonhavechaperoningone!PerhapsIdevengettowaltzwithoneortwo

of the more outgoing male students under the guise of fun and frivolitythe boys who would confidentlygrabmyhandandleadmetothecenterofthefloor,notrealizinguntilourbodieswere pressedthattheycouldsmellthepulsing,fragrantwetnessjustonelayeroffabricawaybeneathmy dress.Icouldsubtlypushagainstthem,blowtheircircuitrywiththeconfusionofblithelaughterand smalltalkfunneledintotheirearbymymoistlips.OfcoursebeforeIdsayit,Idlookofftotheside withanidlestarethatsuggestednothingwashappening,thatIhadntnoticedmypelvicboneironing acrosstheerectheatinsidetheirrentedtuxedopants.Itwouldrequiretheboytobeanupstandingsort

the type who wouldnt be able to convey such a sentence to his mother or father, who would second-guessandrecallthemomentonlyinthedark,liquoredsleepofhisloneliestadultmoments: postbusinessdinnerwhiletravelingatsomeMidwesternComfortInn,afterhedcalledhiswifeand spoken to his children on the phone and then unwrapped the plastic skin of three or four airplane bottlesofbourbon,sethisalarm,andallowedhimselftosituprightinbedwithonehandsqueezing againstthegrowingthicknessofhisorganandthememoryhauntinghimhadIreallysaidwhathe

thought he heard? Inside the schools walls no less, amidst the thundering electronic notes of that year sfavoritepopsong,asonghedlistenedtoathisveryfirstjobinthemallashefoldeddisplay shirts and greeted mothers and children who entered the storehad I really breathed that sentence intohisear? ButIfeltit,hedremindhimself,feltmywordsforminwarmair,onesentencewhose breathyshapedissipatedinseconds,priortothearrivalofunderstandingormemory.Fortherestof hislife,partofhimwouldalwaysbeonthatdancefloor,unsureandhungryforclarity.Somuchso that as an adult in that hotel, he might likely be willing to give up a great deal in exchange for the senseoforderthatIdstolenfromhim,oreventohavesomeonetosaytohim, Itdidhappen.AndI wouldalwaysknow,andhewouldalwaysbesure,butnotcertain,thatIhaddrawntheledgeofmy

pubicboneagainsttheheadofhispenis,pressedittherelikeaphotographbeneaththeplasticvelum ofanalbumpagecoverandwhisperedthatphrase: Iwanttosmellyoucomeinyourpants.

*

TheearlystarttimeofJeffersonJuniorHighwasoneofitsmainallures:seventhirtyA.M.Theboys wouldpracticallybeasleep,theirbodiesstillinvariousstagesoflingeringnocturnalarousal.From mydesk,Idbeabletowatchtheirexposedhandsrubbingacrosstheirpantsbeneaththetables,their

shameandtheirhalf-inflatedgenitalsarm-wrestlingforcontrol.

A second boon was that I was able to get an extension classroom. These were basically trailers behindtheschool,buttheyhaddoorsthatlocked,and,particularlyiftheloudwindowACunitwas running, it was impossible to hear what was going on inside. At our July faculty meeting in the cafeteria,noneoftheteachershadwantedtovolunteertotakeamobileunititmeantafartherwalk eachmorning,havingtotrekinsidetheschooltousethebathroom,runningbeneathanumbrellato gounlockthedoorintherain.ButIdraisedmyhand,playingstarpupilmyself,andrequestedone.

Im happy to be a team player, Id announced, flashing my teeth in a wide grin. A red flush had coveredAssistantPrincipalRosensneck;Idloweredmyfacesothatthetrajectoryofmyeyeswas unmistakably upon his crotch, then I pressed my lips together, met his gaze, and smiled a knowing smile.