Terry Pratchett - Seriously Funny: The Endlessly Quotable Terry Pratchett

CONTENTS

TRANSWORLD PUBLISHERS
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Transworld is part of the Penguin Random House group of companies whose addresses can be found at global.penguinrandomhouse.com

First published in Great Britain in 2016 by Doubleday
an imprint of Transworld Publishers
Copyright Terry and Lyn Pratchett 2016

Terry Pratchett has asserted his right under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988 to be identified as the author of this work.

Quotations from the first twenty-one Discworld novels and The Last Hero reproduced by kind permission of Victor Gollancz Ltd. Quotations from the Tiffany Aching novels, Diggers and The Amazing Maurice and His Educated Rodents reproduced by kind permission of Penguin Random House UK Childrens. Quotations from Good Omens reproduced by kind permission of Neil Gaiman.

A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.

Version 1.0 Epub ISBN 9781473541887
ISBN 9780857524300

This ebook is copyright material and must not be copied, reproduced, transferred, distributed, leased, licensed or publicly performed or used in any way except as specifically permitted in writing by the publishers, as allowed under the terms and conditions under which it was purchased or as strictly permitted by applicable copyright law. Any unauthorized distribution or use of this text may be a direct infringement of the authors and publishers rights and those responsible may be liable in law accordingly.

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For the whole of my life since I was nine years old I have enjoyed words...

Words turn us from monkeys into men. We make them, change them, trace them around, eat them and live by them they are workhorses, carrying any burden, and their usage is the skill of the authors trade, hugely versatile; there are times when the wrong word is the right word, and times when words can be manipulated so that silence shouts. Their care, feeding and indeed breeding is part of the craft of which I am a journeyman.

Terry Pratchett, Trinity College Dublin, 2010

Terry Pratchett was, and remains, among the bestselling and most quoted authors in the UK, and worldwide. He became universally known as the acclaimed creator of the global bestselling Discworld series, the first of which, The Colour of Magic, was published in 1983, and as an outspoken campaigner for causes ranging from animal welfare to Alzheimers research. In all, he was the author of over fifty bestselling books, which have been translated into thirty-eight languages. His novels have been widely adapted for stage and screen, and he was the winner of multiple prizes, including the Carnegie Medal, as well as being awarded a knighthood for services to literature though he maintained that his greatest service to literature was to avoid writing any. Having left school without A-levels, he accumulated ten honorary doctorates over his lifetime. He died in March 2015.

Ill be more enthusiastic about encouraging thinking outside the box when theres evidence of any thinking going on inside it.

The most quotable writer of our time, Terry Pratchetts unique brand of wit made him both a bestseller and an enduring, endearing source of modern wisdom. This collection is filled with his funniest and most memorable words about life, the universe and snoring.

Most of the great triumphs and tragedies of history are caused, not by people being fundamentally good or fundamentally bad, but by people being fundamentally people.

Good Omens

Real stupidity beats artificial intelligence every time.

Hogfather

Some humans would do anything to see if it was possible to do it. If you put a large switch in some cave somewhere, with a sign on it saying End-of-the-World Switch. PLEASE DO NOT TOUCH, the paint wouldnt even have time to dry.

Thief of Time

If there was anything that depressed him more than his own cynicism, it was that quite often it still wasnt as cynical as real life.

Guards! Guards!

The intelligence of that creature known as a crowd is the square root of the number of people in it.

Jingo

Evil begins when you begin to treat people as Things.

I Shall Wear Midnight

It was so much easier to blame it on Them. It was bleakly depressing to think that They were Us. If it was Them, then nothing was anyones fault. If it was us, what did that make Me? After all, Im one of Us. I must be. Ive certainly never thought of myself as one of Them. No one ever thinks of themselves as one of Them. Were always one of Us. Its Them that do the bad things.

Jingo

Sometimes I really think people ought to have to pass a proper exam before theyre allowed to be parents. Not just the practical, I mean.

Thief of Time

Always remember that the crowd that applauds your coronation is the same crowd that will applaud your beheading. People like a show.

Going Postal

Personals not the same as important. People just think it is.

Lords and Ladies