Joyce Carol Oates - After the Wreck, I Picked Myself Up, Spread My Wings, and Flew Away

Went off somewhere and when I came back Mom was

In the blue we were snow geese flying.

It was a Time of Forgetting.

so happy, she was saying of course I love you

what you remember, Jenna? Can you tell us what happened?

Maria was my favorite of the intensive care nurses. Maria

Head trauma. Brain swelling. Amnesia. Facial lacerations, cracked ribs. Visitors

From a distance came the voice, a mans voice. I

In the blue I flew on outstretched wings. In the

Jenna, hey. You are one hell of a girl.

People came to visit. Now that I was out of

Tell us what you remember, Jenna.

But I saw it. It was there. I saw.

Jenna, I thought you knew? Its Demerol.

Nowhere to hide! Aunt Caroline was surprised, the angry tears

Good news: In three days I would be discharged from

Rehab! Its a word that sounds so good, positive. But

In August Dad returned to Tarrytown to visit me in

Nobody wanted me to know. But I wanted to know.

After the wreck my injuries would be secret, I was

September 5, 2004. Yarrow Lake, New Hampshire.

Dont speak to me dont touch me!

Jenna. How are you, honey?

in the dream Im running. Mom is watching me (I

Guessing what will be in store just stepping into the

Hey.

See, you walk like me. Like walking on thin ice.

Jenniferthats a pretty name. People call youJen? Jenny?

Hey.

Oh oh oh, help us

In Yarrow Lake much of my life becomes secret.

Hey, babe, you bald?

Never! Never tell my secrets.

Another secret. No one will ever know.

Know what they are, those bikers? Trailer-trash meth heads.

Heres why its crucial to stay alone.

Two days later, something happens.

See, people come into your life for a reason. They

Hey, baby, want to hang out? After school meet me

Cell phone rings, and its Trina.

Whyd I miss dinner? Why, three times this week?

Baby, come on.

Jenna! Come downstairs, honey.

Jenna? Were waiting, honey

I hate them. I will never forgive them. Freaking like

Soon as shes back from St. Barts, Trina checks in.

Tell me about yourself, Jenna.

Why I took Dr. Freers paperweight I dont know.

Typed in suicide on the Internet, and man!theres like a

In March, this happens.

March 11, 2005

I wish.

Chrie he called me. When he leaned across me to

I am so ashamed.

Wont. Cant make me.

Its the day after my uncle and the glass paperweight.

Heres how it ends.

In April, this happens.

in the Yarrow Lake Medical Center vehicle jolting and lurching

Think of the places you arent.

So sorry didnt mean

Hello? Hello? Hello? Is thatTrina?

April 15

Here is a surprise.

Jenna! Good news.

Another surprise: Dad comes to see me.

Hang on tight, chrie.

Try to see, chrie. Dont try to remember.

I guess I want to live, Mom.

Jenna! Jen-na!

Went off somewhere and when I came back Mom was gone.

It wasnt my fault. Dont blame me .

We were crossing the Tappan Zee Bridge headed west. The sun in our eyes. The sun was this mad red eye inside a bank of sick-looking clouds. The sun was blinding, glaring off the car hood. Moms car on the Tappan Zee high above the Hudson River where you can feel the wind shaking the car even on days when there isnt much wind on land, and Im sliding a CD in and the mechanism rejects it which happens sometimes and is so damn annoying so I push CD again and this time the CD stays in and Im shading my eyes against the glaring sun and suddenly I am seeing a baby deer in the lane just ahead!or maybe a dog!this shadow shape Mom doesnt seem to see and Im panicked screaming Mom! Watch out! and (maybe) I am grabbing at the wheel or (maybe) I am trying to grab at the wheel or (maybe) Mom is the one to turn the wheel (maybe) because I am screaming or (maybe) did Mom see the baby deer or the dog or (maybe) it was a large bird like a hawk, a goose

And the car sprouts wings and flies .

It did! Yes, it did.

In the blue we were snow geese flying.

These big beautiful white-feathered snow geese flying with a flock of other geese. In the V formation we were flying and our long necks were sticking way out and our eyes were narrow slits in our weird white feather faces. And our wings!

You should have seen our wings pumping the air. Pumping the air, riding the wind.

A thousand feet above the river, pumping the air hard to save our lives.

A song came into my head.

Knew this old world would be a hard hard place

Seeing how the snow geese fly, brave wings pumping

It was a Time of Forgetting.

In the blue it was a long time, wish wish wish it would never end.

You sleep a lot. You dream but dont need to remember.

Like clicking through 101 TV channels on mute. By the time you click through them all and return to 1, you dont remember a single thing you saw, so you click through them all again.

Or not. Kick the remote off the edge of the bed.

Lots of songs flew into my head in that time. Out of the sky these songs would fly into my head. Afterward I would forget them all. Except one.

In the Country of the Blue

there is no you

so happy, she was saying Of course I love you Jenna, my little lovebug Jenna. And I forgive you.

All the ages Id ever been. In the blue you can choose. I was four years old and my hair was a fluffy pale blond not this darkish dirty blond and Mommy would read to me at night after my bath a picture-book story and when he was home, sometimes Daddy would read to me too, his weight heavy on the edge of the bed (but Daddy had to be in the mood Mommy warned, which was not always so) and I would see lights skimming at me like butterflies which meant I was drifting into sleep, so happy.

There was nothing that Jenna did then that was wrong or bad.

There was nothing that Jenna did that was evil.

There was nothing that Jenna did that could hurt another person.

what you remember, Jenna? Can you tell us what happened?

On the bridge, Jenna. Before the

before it happened, Jenna? The accident.

Behind my shut eyes there was that other place. The rushing girders of the bridge overhead. Something like fire glaring in the sky. I saw my finger punch CD and waited for the disc to be rejected another time, which wouldve provoked me to murmur Shit! just soft enough so that Mom wouldnt feel obliged to murmur Now, Jenna, in mild rebuke.

I heard the sudden sharp cries of the snow geese. Where were they going? It was almost dark now, the glaring-red eye was shutting. A wet, cold wind made the bridge shudder. You understood that the wind could break any bridge, smash any structure and cause it to shatter to pieces, fall into the river and sink without a trace.

Oh I wanted to fly with them! So bad I wanted to fly with the snow geese but could not get my arms free, my head was tight-bandaged like a mummys head.

Jenna, try not to fall asleep just yet. Try to keep your eyes open and in focus. Jenna, its crucial for you to stay awake.

Can you see us, Jenna? Can you see me, Jenna?

Blink your eyes, Jenna. If you can hear us

One of these was a womans voice. A strangers voice. I hated it! Wanting to scream, to cry. It was not the voice I wanted.