Mary Laura Philpott - Penguins with People Problems

A PERIGEE BOOK

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PENGUINS WITH PEOPLE PROBLEMS

Copyright 2015 by Mary Laura Philpott

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eBook ISBN: 978-0-698-18437-4

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First edition: June 2015

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To Matt Damon, as always.

Hello. Please, have a penguin.

If youre saying to yourself, Good heavens, Wanda, these birds look like they were finger-painted by a four-year-old, you are correct, Wanda. They do. Im no artist.

Im just a writer. Thats what I do for a living. The other thing I do for a living is read bookswhich is why I happened to be paying attention when Penguin Books and Random House announced their merger a few years ago. Like pretty much everyone else, I thought Random Penguin would be a great name for the new company. Unlike everyone else, I started doodling and captioning penguins doing random things and couldnt stop. Thus, The Random Penguins Tumblr was born.

The birds took on a life of their own once I started posting them online. They made a lot of friends in a short time, perhaps because they are rather people-ish. They make mistakes. They do stupid things. Just like people, they sometimes try (and usually fail) to hide their insecurities. And like even the most flawed people, theyre lovable in spite ofor because ofall that. Well, most of them are. Some of them are real dirtbags.

A few of them are me. Are any of them you?

Enjoy,
Mary Laura

T here was tacit agreement among Liams friends that although the combination of his body type and his new striped sweater made him look like a bowling pin, no one would say anything, as his breakup with Denise had left him feeling very vulnerable.

J erry is that jackass who, whenever someone introduces someone else as my partner, always responds, in crime?

N either can remember the others name, but neither can break down and ask, for they have been introduced to one another on eleven other occasions.

N o, it looks really natural. Like you just got back from the islands.

E llie told her hot new boyfriend that she really enjoyed the crumpets on her last trip to England, and then he said he played the crumpet in his high school band, and then she said, Shhhh... lets not talk.

C hoose a career that doesnt feel like work, they said. Do what you love, and the money will follow, they said.

So for twenty-three years, Kevins been out here blindfolded, playing the musical bubble pipe, waiting to get rich.

Waiting.

Still waiting.

S ome raised their eyebrow-feathers at Joel and Phillip and said they were odd. But they didnt care. Love is love.

A fter a breakup, Karla takes extra-special care of herself, making time to do healthy things. For example, today for lunch, shes having a cup of organic Greek yogurt... topped with Oreos, Gummi snakes, coconut, M&Ms, and caramel saucea dish she calls Suck it, Brian.

Grande extra-sweet decaf Mocha Swirl: $4.99

Tip to barista to write CoffeeBlack on the cup: $2

Maintaining a reputation: Priceless

H onestly, sometimes Nicole likes getting ready for the party more than the party itself.

M axine knew that her friendly American habit of smiling at strangers could be misinterpreted in other cultures as a lascivious invitation, so she tried to curb it when she traveled abroad. Problem was, she never remembered until she was halfway into a smile, at which point shed just panic and freeze.

So mostly she went around looking like this