Don Pasco - Joel Osteen Jokes: Hilarious Collection of Joel Osteens Funniest Short, Clean Jokes

But about that time little Jonny stoodup. She didn't quite know what to do. She said, "Now Johnny do you really think that you'redumb?" He said, "No Maam, I just hate to see you standing there All by yourself." ***** I heard about this 85 year old woman. She went on a blind date with a 92 year oldman. She came home very frustrated and herdaughter said, "Mom, what's wrong?" She said, "I had to slap him threetimes." The daughter said, "You mean he tried to getfresh?" She said, "No. I thought he was dead." ***** This was sent to me (Joel) from a seniorcitizen's home.

It's about this 84 year old woman. She'd gotten out of shape and knew she needed to start exercising. So she decided to join an aerobics class forseniors. And the first day, she bent and twisted and gyrated back andforth, jumped up and down, perspired for over anhour. But she said by the time she got herleotards on the class was over. ***** I heard about this Mother, One Sunday morning she went into her son's bedroom and shesaid, "Son, wake up.

It's time to go tochurch." He kinda groaned and rolled over andsaid, "No Mom, I'm not going to church today." She said, "What do you mean you're notgoing? Why not?" He said, "Mom, I'll give you two goodreasons. Number one, I don't like those people. And number two, they don't like me." She said, "Son, that's no excuse. I'll give you two Better reasons why youSHOULD go. Number one, you're fifty-nine years old and number two, you're the Pastor." ***** I heard about this kindergarten teacher. She was walking around her classroom as her students drew pictures.

She noticed this one little girl drawing sointently she asked her what she was drawing. The little girl said she was drawing apicture of God. The teacher kind of laughed. She said, "Oh Honey nobody really knows whatGod looks like. The little girl without missing a beatsaid, "They will in a minute." ***** I heard about this lady that was shopping with her husband. He had asked her to not buy any newclothes.

Well she saw this dress in the window anddecided to try it on. She liked it so much, she bought it insecret. Couple of days later the husband discoveredit and he was so upset. And she explained to him that when she triedit on it looked so good that Satan tempted her tobuy it and she just couldn't resist it. He said, "Well, why didn't you do what thescripture says and say "get behind me Satan?" She said, "I did and he told me it looked even better from a distance." ***** I heard about this elderly lady. She came into church one Sunday morning and a friendly usher greeted her and said, "Maam where would you like tosit?" She said, "I would like to sit in the veryfront row." And he said, "Oh no Maam, you don't want todo that.

Our Pastor is very boring. He'll put you tosleep. Let me seat you somewhere else." She was appalled. She said, "Sir, do you know who I am?" He said, "no." She said, "I am the Pastor's Mother." He hung his head in embarrassment and finally he looked up and said, "Maam, do you know who I am." She said, "no." He said, "Thank God." *****

Seeing this the next man said, "God please give me the strength and the tools I need to make it across." And POOF! God gave him a boat. He was able to row across in 30 minutes. The next man said, "God give me thestrength, the tools and theintelligence to make it across." And POOF! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked 5 minutes up stream and then walked across the bridge. ***** This was sent to me (Joel) from a seniorcitizen's home. It's about a 92 year old man.

He wasn't feeling well one day and so hedecided to go to the doctor and have a check-up. A few days later the doctor saw him out walking down the street with a beautiful young lady by his side. And he seemed to be just as happy as couldbe. The Doctor was kind of surprised. He said, "Wow you sure are doing a lotbetter." The man said, "Yes Doctor, I just took yourorders. You said get a hot momma and staycheerful." The Doctor said, "I didn't say that! I said you got a heart murmur.

Becareful!" ***** A man called the church office and said, "Can I speak to the head hog at thetrough?" The secretary was offended. She said, "If you mean the Pastor then you need to refer to him as "The Pastor", but you may not callhim the head hog at the trough!" The man said, That's fine. I was just planning on giving $10,000 dollars to the building fund. The lady replied, "Hold on. Porky just walked in." ***** I heard about this elderly man. He'd had a serious hearing problem for yearsand years.

He could hardly hear anything. And one day he went to the doctor and he was fitted with a new type of hearingaid, to where he could hear one hundredpercent. A month later he went back for a checkup and the doctor said, "Man your family must really be happy. Your hearing is perfect." He said, "No, I haven't told my family. I just sit around and listen to theconversations, and I've changed my will three times." ***** I heard about this burglar that broke into a home one night. As he was stealing the stereo, he heard avoice saying "Jesus is watching you." He froze in his tracks and he shined the flashlight around the room.

And he saw a parrot over in the corner. He said, "did you say that to me?" The parrot said, "Yes, I'm just trying towarn you." He said, "warn me, what are you talking about? Who areyou?" The parrot said, "My name is Moses." The burglar laughed and said, "What kind of crazy people would name aparrot Moses?" The parrot said, "the same kind of peoplethat would name a One Hundred and Fifty pound RottweilerJesus."