Streeter Seidell - White Whine: A Study of First-World Problems

Avon, Massachusetts

To my mother, father, and sister for giving me a life about which I could not complain. And for my loving wife Vanessa, for listening to me while I complained about it anyway.

America was founded on a White Whine. That is, of course, an oversimplification. But there is a reason why the Boston Tea Party has become such an important part of our national creation myth: because we can relate. Oppressive monarchs in faraway lands? Not so much. But paying too much tax on an imported luxury? That strikes a chord with everyone. (Well, at least everyone who bought this book.) From that day on, we have been a proud nation of complainers. And before we get into the thick of it, lets take a little detour to visit the elephant in the room.

Why White Whine? My reason is twofold. First of all, I am a comedy writer. And like any comedy writer, I love a good pun (and even enjoy bad ones, which the chapter titles in this book display). When I discovered that the WhiteWhine.com domain name had not been purchased, I snapped it up faster than you could say, Wow, GoDaddy.com is an ugly, terrible website. Comedy writers cannot and will not abandon a good pun for anything or anyone. So, Im sticking with it. My second reason is a little more complicated, mostly because it doesnt quite make sense.

As oh-so-many Internet commenters on the website have pointed out, the white in WhiteWhine doesnt seem to have anything to do with race, which is true. They have also pointed out that I look like a fat, shaved bear and a nose that grew a body, but that is neither here nor there. White is my succinct way to encapsulate a group of people of any race, mind you who are financially and domestically comfortable, entitled, and, most importantly, unsatisfied. They are people who have it good but want it better. They have the world in the palm of their hand but complain about how much it weighs. They stop and smell the neighbors roses and wonder why their own dont smell as good (and then fire their gardener). They are White, whether they are white or not.

See? Doesnt make that much sense. But what was I supposed to do, abandon a solid pun? Please. If my liberal use (and flimsy defense) of this politically incorrect term angers you, I beg you to harness that anger and redirect it. Away from me, and at a much more worthy target: White people.

White like how I explained it above, obviously. Not white white.

You get it.

But, Why Do We Need This Book? Its very simple, really. When our society collapses, as the big ones tend to do from time to time, how will our descendants postapocalyptic savages that they will be know how good things once were, if not for this book? Sure, they may dig up an encyclopedia and read of the many wonders of our time. But nothing can quite drive home just how nice of a world weve created for ourselves than to find evidence that, amidst all of those wonders and conveniences, we still found things to bitch about. In fact, more often than not it was the conveniences that were bothering us! So why this book, you ask? To give the remnants of our crumbled society something to strive toward. To inspire some poor man a thousand years from now, clothed in rags, to say, One day, my descendants will live in a world where they can complain that their Starbucks coffee is too hot! Whatever Starbucks coffee is!

So What Is a White Whine? There are infinite shades of gray when it comes to classifying the various types of White Whine, but at their core theyre just First-World Problems. That is, the notion that no matter how good you have it drinking coconut water, eating at fancy restaurants, having an iPhone, being able to afford child care youre still annoyed. That is the common denominator in all White Whines. Allow me to highlight this concept further with an incredibly intricate and beautiful chart.

The difference is subtle, but its there. To be a White Whiner your complaint must convey, simultaneously, that you are both fortunate and irritated.

And with that basic introduction to the world of rich bitching, let me welcome everyone to White Whine, the book. I hope you enjoy the fruits of your temper.

When it comes to TV, people are spoiled for choice. Or theyre just spoiled. By my count, there are currently 28,000 cable channels, showing 18 million shows, 2 million movies on demand, and 39 billion terrible documentaries about the dangers of oil/plastic/fishing/lumber/sleeping/drinking milk/and watching too much TV. If people take their digital leisure time even the least bit seriously, they could be watching almost anything that has ever been filmed. Right now. The fact that people are doing anything else other than watching TV like reading this book, say only highlights a serious First-World Problem: Theres nothing to watch. Except everything.

Whats impressive is that even though people can watch basically anything they want, whenever they want it, they still find ways to complain about it. The tens of thousands of free movies on Netflix all suck, downloading a full season of a show on iTunes takes forever, and Time Warner digital cable Shits out halfway through every movie I try to watch. (That last one is true. Make sure you check your bill, because theyll charge you full price for half a movie, the bastards.)

Perhaps the White Whiniest of all TV complaints come from the lucky few who actually have found a show they want to watch. While youd think theyd be happy about this incredible achievement, alas, they are not. Why? Because its going to take forever. I wanted to watch The Wire, but its like fifty episodes! It will take me a year to watch the whole thing! This is an entirely new, distinctly First-World Problem: My leisure activity takes too much effort. We have built a society so thoroughly entertained that it actually takes ambition and commitment to be lazy. I think this is something to be proud of; but whiney TV viewers would beg to differ.

I wish time travel existed so I could round up these people and send them back to 1958. Let them enjoy three fuzzy black-and-white channels that air nothing but bad, formulaic sitcoms. Let them try to get into a show where the protagonist abruptly stops acting midscene, turns to the camera, and suggests that if youre a pregnant or nursing mother, Chesterfield may be the best cigarettes for you and your baby. Then theyd understand how good they have it. Not only is their modern television so good it takes time and effort to enjoy, but medical science has come a long way as well. These days, everyone knows that pregnant and nursing mothers choose Camel Lights to help their kids grow up strong.