Angie Noel - Leadership—Love It or Leave It: Choosing for Yourself When the World Says Climb

I sat in my car, staring at myself in the flip - down mirror, putting on my lipstickstalling. I prayed, God, please give me a reason not to go in. I mean, not a call from daycare or anything, but I could handle a small stomach virus if it would keep me from having to go in there today. My stomach was gurgling, but that was pretty normal for this time of day. It always started as soon as I pulled into the parking garage. The sunshine immediately turned to darkness; the flickering fluorescents seemed to be guiding me straight to hell. My gut wrenched more and more with each level I circled until I finally parked on the roof. Daylight.

I sat there, still staring at myself in the mirror. What is wrong with me? I wondered. This isnt me at all. At least not the me I was just a few years earlier. And definitely not the me I wanted to be.

I felt lost and confused. How did I end up twenty pounds underweight? Why was I so irritable? Where did these heart palpitations and anxiety attacks come from, and why couldnt I get a full nights sleep? People close to me tried to blame my symptoms on new parenthoodI was the mother of a two - year - old but this was more than parenting fatigue. My doctors diagnosis wasnt much more helpfulshe said it was stress. I knew it wasnt just stress, either. I was suffering, physically and emotionally, and deep down, I knew work was to blame.

Thats not how this was supposed to go. Work had always been important to meI came from very humble beginnings, and working meant money in the bank, so I worked hard. From my first job at twelve, cleaning Mrs. Rotherings house down the street, to serving up fries at McDonalds, to working in some very prestigious healthcare systems, I was always striving to move up. A huge part of my identity was wrapped up in what I did for a living; it defined me. For much of my life, work was my life. But lately, I didnt even know who I was.

I had built a twenty - year career in human resources, and I was an HR leader in healthcarea dream job. I had wanted to be a leader since I was a young girl, and I had a real passion for helping people; healthcare human resources seemed like a perfect fit. I had a six - figure salary, a nice office, a great support team, and plenty of challenging work. I had everything I could want. And I was miserable.

I hadnt always been this way. At one time, I approached work with enthusiasm, positivity, and a sense of urgency. I always wanted to do more. Lately, though, it was a struggle just finding the motivation to physically show up every day. I tried desperately to start fresh each day and reconnect to the joy I once had at work. I couldnt do it. It was painful. I felt isolated and, honestly, a little crazy, because I didnt understand what was happening to me.

The irony was that, working in HR, Id heard the same story from countless leaders who had come to my office over the years. They were stressed out, exhausted, feeling overwhelmed, and struggling to figure out what the hell was happening to them.

Staring at my reflection in the car mirror, it hit meI had become one of them . My heart sank . So this is what disengagement feels like. I thought about all of the people that I had listened to and coached over the years and realized I hadnt fully appreciated what they were experiencing until now. They werent just leaders struggling to manage an ever - growing workload; they were disheartened, disconnected, and disengaged human beings. The more I reflected on my own suffering and the suffering of all those other people, the more angry I became. That wasnt how people were supposed to feel at work, especially leaders. Something had to change.

That realization, along with the need to alleviate my own suffering, led me to research the causes. What drove employeesand leadersto disengage this way? With twenty years of HR experience under my belt, I knew a lot about employee engagement. I had been through every exercise aroundthe annual surveys, the push for higher engagement scores, and the never - ending action plans that are par for the course at most companies. But we never really talked about disengagement . When we did, the discussion was typically limited to tactics for moving the disengaged numbers either into the engaged column or out of the organization. It wasnt really about the people involved.

As I dove into the research, three things became clear. First, there was very little information out there about disengagementwhy its so prevalent, its impact on the people who experience it, and how to address it. Second, leaders get most, if not all, of the blame for disengagement. And third, leaders are not only being held responsible for disengagementtheyre actually experiencing and suffering the symptoms of it just as much as their employees are.

The more I learned about disengagement and the ways it is connected to leadership, the more frustrated I got. Something had to change; I suspected that that change would need to start with the leaders themselves.

Frankly, I was pissedpissed enough to spend a year of my life writing this book for you.

***

When it comes to leadership, we tend to hear the same advice and platitudes over and over again, whether its coming from leadership experts, retired corporate bigwigs, or school teachers:

Theres a leader in every one of us.

Be a leader, not a follower.

Soar like an eagle or scratch the ground like a chicken.

Its better to be the lion than the sheep.

The underlying assumption is that we should all be leadersthat every one of us should strive for roles with more responsibility and power, and that success is found at the top. School teachers say it, leadership experts say it, corporate bigwigs say it. Surely, it must be true.

As we say in Texas, I call bullshit.

Leadership is hard and complex. It cant be boiled down to five essential qualities. And leadership is most definitely not for everyone.

Why do I say this? Because my experience and extensive research into leadership and engagement have left me one hundred percent convinced that if you dont fully appreciate, embrace, anddare I say love the responsibility of influencing and impacting other human beings, then youre creating suffering.

I know this sounds extreme in a culture where leadership is the goal. But think about all of the jobs youve ever had. What made the best job so great? Maybe it paid really well or maybe you got to do something you really enjoyed, but Id be willing to bet you also had a good boss. Someone who inspired you in some way. Now think of your worst work experience. Did it happen to involve a bad boss? Was he a narcissist, a jerk, or maybe a really nice person who couldnt communicate clearly to save his life? Someone who should not have been leading people maybe? Youre probably getting a little nauseated reliving that horror story right now. If you dont have such a tale on your resume, then you are one of the lucky few. According to several surveys, 50 percent to 75 percent of all employees have quit at least one job to escape a bad manager.

Bad leaders arent necessarily bad people. You may even have known someone in a leadership position who seemed truly overwhelmed, stressed out, or flat - out unhappy in their rolethis is a red flag that they may very well have been disengaged themselves. When up seems like the only way to success, people can sometimes find themselves in positions that exceed their competence or dont align with personal goals, or both. And leaders who dont know why theyve taken on a leadership role tend to suffer or, at the very least, struggle. At the end of the day, suffering leaders cannot help others. Instead, they unintentionally spread their misery like a bad cold. What happens at the office rarely stays at the office. Instead, the stress from leadership that rubs off on employees also tends to follow those employees home, where they infect everyone around themsignificant others, children, friends, and anyone else they interact with.