Ph.D. Jon P. Bloch - Handling Difficult People: Easy Instructions for Managing the Difficult People in Your Life

So You Know a Difficult Person?
(Who Doesnt?)

My life would be so easy if it werent for So-and-So.

How often do you say these very words? Or more to the point, how many times a day do you say them? One of the few certainties in this world is that whatever you do for a living, and whatever your family background, you will encounter people who make what youre doing so much more complicated and unpleasant than it needs to be. Hell is other people, uttered the famous philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre, and you dont need a PhD to understand exactly what that means.

Maybe youve quit a job, thinking: Now my troubles are overI never have to see So-and-So again. But then the next job brings some spanking new manifestation of Hell in the form of a new coworker or boss. The same thing can happen when you drop out of a class, religious or political group, or even a recreational activity. The next endeavor you undertake can become just as quarrelsome or depressing, thanks to some new person who seems determined to make your life as miserable as possible.

Maybe youve tried so very hard to change a situation with a family member whom you must keep seeing. You thought to yourself, Next time I talk to So-and-So, it will be different. Only this magical next time never seems to come. Face to face in the moment, things unfold pretty much as they always have beforei.e., lousily.

Will reading this book magically transport all the difficult people in the world into a black hole in space where they belong? Will reading this book somehow fix it so that you will never again encounter a difficult person? Alas, the answer is no on both counts. Unless you wish to become one of the reclusive types who lives on home-delivered pizza and otherwise never connects with anyone, you simply will have to deal with difficult people. Even the pizza
loving recluse might encounter a difficult delivery person. And besides, you do have things you want to accomplish, and people you want to see.

So what this book can do is help you to make your life better when it comes to difficult people. Youll be given three basic tools:

1. A list of ten difficult personality typesarranged alphabeticallyand how to spot them.
   
2. How you can keep your encounters with such people to a minimum. (No, you cannot eliminate them, but you can minimize your dealings with them.)
   
3. How you can respond to these people in ways that improve your ability to communicate with others and feel good about yourself. (Improvement does not mean perfection, but it does mean better than before.)

Sometimes certain sayings become so overly familiar that they become clichs, and start to lose meaning. If youve ever watched a TV talk show, you have no doubt heard the phrase, You cannot change another person, you can only change yourself. Or some variation thereof. As annoying as this phrase may seem when you are in the throes of hating someones guts, like many such time-worn sayings it unfortunately is true. So let us make one thing clear at the outset:

You reallyREALLYcannot change another person.

It might seem frustratingor even painfulto embrace this basic fact of life. Why cant your boss listen to what you have to say? Why cant your brother-in-law stop bragging about his golf game? It should be so simple. Maybe youve even tried to point this out to a difficult person; maybe in the moment, they even seemed to get it. But then five minutes or five months later, things are right back at square one. As another well-worn clich would put it, People only change when they are ready to change.

Does this mean you should never speak up when someone is getting on your nerves? Absolutely not. First of all, it is important to make your needs known to other people. And sometimes, you can make a difference in their lives. For example, you can probably get someone to remember that you dont like strawberries, or to no longer call you by a nickname that annoys you, or to stop asking if you watched the World Series when you are not a baseball fan. But you know, even in such small matters, things can get dicey. Even a spouse or lifelong best friend might still forget about the strawberries, or be unable to resist teasing you by calling you by that annoying name.

However, there is something you can do: You can change your own behavior when you encounter these people. If you find them that irritating, you can keep your encounters with them to a minimum. And if you must deal with them, you can change how you respond to themboth on the outside and on the inside.

Each chapter consists of the following parts:

Clues on how to spot a given personality type

An explanation of how that person got that way

How to avoid that type of person

How to better deal with that type of person face-to-face

You will notice that there are suggestions for both avoidance and confrontation. The truth is, life is not a Rocky movie in which you will be able to knock out difficult people every time you encounter them. (After all, even Rocky sometimes loses the fight in his movies.) Only dirty fighters win all the time, and if you have any morals and principles at allas Im sure you doyou are not a dirty fighter. So sometimes, good old-fashioned avoidance really is the smart thing to do. But other times, there is no reason you cannot stand up for yourself and make it known to a
difficult person that you have had quite enough, thank you very much. And there are plenty of helpful ideas for how to do this.

Before we get going, one final word of caution: The difficult people described in this book are hopefully within your power to do something about. You must think so, too, or else why read this book? But some people are not merely difficult but dangerousthey can physically harm you or cause you to lose your job. If someone is that level of problem, by all means contact the police, your lawyer, your boss, your union, or your doctor.

So, without further delay, welcome to the wonderful world (ugh!) of handling difficult peopleand what you can do to help yourself.

the big bully

CHAPTER ONE: The Big Bully is a familiar figure from childhood. This was the kid who actually enjoyed hurting other peoplewhether the pain was physical, emotional, or both. The point of bullying, of course, is to look good by making you look bad. The Big Bully appears to have power over you, and this puts him or her in a position of superiority. Plus, if you are afraid of Big Bullies, you might do things to please them. Maybe you did homework for a Big Bully, or gave him or her your lunch money. But first and foremost, these people enjoy power, and making you suffer. Some would argue that this makes them ideally suited for high-level political officeor failing that, credit card customer service.