Chapter 1
Why Spelling Matters
Three men arrive at the gates of heaven. First, we have Butch, a car mechanic respected for his honesty. Then we have Garrett, a brain surgeon celebrated for his compassion. Last, we have George, a lawyer known for, well, being a cutthroat lawyer.
St. Peter greets them: Welcome to Heaven. We have simplified the process of admission, so now to get into Heaven all you need do is pass a one-word spelling test. Are you ready?
Butch says, Ive prepared for this moment for seventy-eight years. Im all set.
Lets begin, St. Peter intones in a deep voice. Spell car.
Butch grins and says, C-a-r.
St. Peter smiles and says, Excellent, Butch. Welcome to heaven.
Addressing St. Peter, Garrett the brain surgeon says, Ill take my test now, if it pleases you.
Heres your test, St. Peter intones in his deep voice. Spell love.
The former doctor grins and says, L-o-v-e.
St. Peter smiles and says, Excellent, Garrett. Welcome to heaven. Then St. Peter turns to George, the lawyer. George is muttering to himself, Boy, this is gonna be a walk in the park. Who would have thought it? Im sure ready to turn the table on all those lawyer jokes. George turns to St. Peter and says, Give me my test.
Okay, St. Peter says. Spell prorhipidoglossomorpha.
Hey, you never know when those spelling skills will come in handy.
Thomas Jefferson knew a great deal, which is why we name so many schools after him. He even knew the importance of spelling, saying, Take care that you never spell a word wrong. Always before you write a word, consider how it is spelled. And if you do not remember, turn to a dictionary. It produces great praise to spell well. Indeed it does.
Dumb and Dumber (or Is That Dum and Dummer?)
Someone in serious spelling denial sent me this e-mail. (He really did. I couldnt make this up, even really late at night.):
Many peeple are abel to perform their jobs well even though there spelling is atrocous. I have never expereinced a problem because of my spelling in a vareity of jobs. I suppose some jobs are closed off to me, but for that matter many jobs are closed off for other reesons, such as the fact that I cannot do caluclus, I know nothing about banking, and I do not speak Urdu. Perhaps an inubility to spell would have had more sereush consequences before spell checkers became ubikuitous. Nowadays spelling is about as usefull as knowing how to shoe a horse. Thank you.
My answer:
No, thank you , dear writer. Please continue feeling this way. It helps keep editors and copyeditors employed. It also opens up a lot of jobs for those of us who can spell even if we cant do calculus, know nothing about banking, and dont speak Urdu.
Tragically for the world but fortunately for those of you who have bought this book and will soon be accomplished spellers, my anonymous e-mail buddy isnt the only one afflicted by poor vowel movements. As a result of e-mail, text messaging, Blackberrys, the decline of reading, poor teaching, and of course rock n roll, a staggering number of people cant spell. Spell-checkers are useless because poor spellers often cant distinguish correct from incorrect words. (Besides, cell phones and Blackberrys dont come with spell-checkers.)
Just as a spot on your tie or a stain on your pants can destroy the good impression youre trying to make in person, so can a spelling error destroy the good impression youre trying to make in writing. What happens when a letter/e-mail/term paper/rsum has a whole lot of spelling errors? The writer comes across as a dolt.
Buying this book is your first step to curing poor vowel movements.
How Bad Are Your Vowel Movements?
Before we go any further, lets test your spelling health. The following chart has twelve often-mangled words. I chose these words because theyre extremely common and useful, so much so that Ill bet you use at least one of them in school or on the job every day.
In the first column, Ive listed a misspelled word. In the second and third columns, I have two different spellings for each word. Circle the correct spelling.
| Misspelled Word | Possible Correct Spelling | Possible Correct Spelling |
---|
1. | managment | managemant | management |
2. | throuhout | thruout | throughout |
3. | goverment | govrnment | government |
4. | acommodate | acomodate | accommodate |
5. | chocalate | chocolit | chocolate |
6. | enviroment | enviranment | environment |
7. | responsability | responsebility | responsibility |
8. | recieve | receve | receive |
9. | Febuary | Febrary | February |
10. | occured | ocured | occurred |
11. | officail | offical | official |
12. | definately | definitily | definitely |
Answers: In each case, the word in the third column is spelled correctly.
Full Disclosure
Time for a true confession: I, too, was afflicted with balky vowel movements. In my youth, I was a bad spellera really bad speller. Even as late as high school, I mangled any word with an ie, never sure when i came before e. To make matters worse, I even argued with my beleaguered English teacher: if i really came before e, how can you explain neither, either, weird, and leisure? Of course I could never tell weather from whether, witch from which, and stationary from stationery. And whats with their/theyre/there? You certainly didnt want to get me started on words that entered English from foreign languages. Their spelling never made any sense at all.
Eventually I learned the error of my ways and stopped railing against the injustices of ridiculous English spelling. Instead, I simply learned to spell. As a result, I was able to become an English teacher and lead others to the Light so that they, too, could distinguish witch from which.
Next time youre channel surfing for a ferocious, cutthroat sport, tune into the Scripps National Spelling Bee, the nations largest and most famous bee. At the current time, around three hundred smarty-pants kids aged ten to fifteen make the finals. Looking for an even wilder and wackier weekend? Why not learn all the words on the Scripps National Spelling Bee list? You can download the word list from www.spellingbee.com/studyaids.shtml . Knock yourself out.
Spelling = Success
So why does spelling mastery matter so much? After all, none of us plans to win the National Spelling Bee for correctly spelling the twenty-five syllable word that identifies an extinct Australian marsupial, poisonous flowering plant, or chronic sinus condition. Yet spelling really does matter. Here are my top five reasons why.