Payne - The soul of discipline: the simplicity parenting approach to warm, firm, and calm guidance--from toddlers to teens

Games Children Play

Simplicity Parenting

Beyond Winning
(with Luis Fernando Llosa
and Scott Lancaster)

The Soul of Discipline

K IM J OHN P AYNE , M.E D ., is the author of the number one bestselling book Simplicity Parenting. A consultant and trainer to over 250 North American independent and public schools, Kim has been a school counselor, adult educator, consultant, researcher, educator, and private family counselor for over thirty years. He trains and certifies Parent Guidance Coaches and regularly gives keynote addresses at international conferences for educators, parents, and therapists, and runs workshops and trainings around the world. In each role, he has been helping children, adolescents, and families explore issues such as social difficulties with siblings and classmates; attention and behavioral issues at home and school; emotional issues such as defiance, aggression, addiction, and self-esteem; and the vital role of living a balanced and simple life.

He has also consulted for clinics, training centers, and educational associations in South Africa, Hungary, Israel, Russia, Switzerland, Ireland, Canada, Australia, and the United Kingdom. Kim has worked extensively with the North American and U.K. Waldorf educational movements. He has served as director of the Collaborative Counseling program at Antioch University, New England. He is director of the Simplicity Parenting Project, a multimedia social network that explores what really connects and disconnects us to ourselves and to the world. Kim is the founding director of the Center for Social Sustainability.

In addition to authoring Simplicity Parenting: Using the Extraordinary Power of Less to Raise Calmer, Happier, and More Secure Kids, published by Ballantine Books/Random House in 2009, he also authored The Games Children Play (1996), published by Hawthorn Press, The Compassionate Response (2016), Shambhala Publications, and co-authored Beyond Winning: Smart Parenting in a Toxic Sports Environment (2013), published by Lyons Press.

He has appeared frequently on television, including ABC, NBC, CBS, and Fox; on radio, for the BBC, Sirius/XM, CBC, and National Public Radio; and in print, including being featured in Time, Chicago Tribune, Parenting, Mothering, Times Union, and the Los Angeles Times.

Kim strives to deepen understanding and give practical tools for life questions that arise out of the burning social issues of our time. He is based in Northampton, Massachusetts, with his wife and two children.

simplicityparenting.com

H ow many times have we heard the expression Hes a lost soul? We can sense when this is the case in someone close to us, such as a relative or friend, or even in a public figure in the wider community who causes us concern. To be lost and have no one to help us find our way is the stuff of nightmares.

No one likes to be disoriented, and few things in life are more unsettling. But children are particularly vulnerable when it comes to feeling lost and unsafe. We know there is too much coming at them all the time in todays frenetic world. Few adults among us have had to cope with the incessant stream of images, impressions, ideas, attitudes, and conflicting messages modern kids must navigate. We are, quite frankly, living in the midst of an undeclared war on childhood. Kids are exposed to too much and forced to grow up too quickly. As a result, disorientation and heightened anxiety have become the new normal.

So its no wonder that troubling behavior surfaces more and more often at home and at school. As parents, we want to shield our children as much as possible, to provide a safe haven for them from the unrelenting buzzing and booming, the fever-pitched pace of modern life.

In this climate, disciplining a disobedient child can be quite challenging. We often feel like we are fumbling in the dark. We try so hard to say and do the right thing with the appropriate amount of energy and emphasis. We want to guide our childrento teach them how to behave and how not to behave. Our ultimate goal is to prepare them to handle themselves well as they set sail into modern societys often difficult waters.

The way we perceive and approach misbehavior is the key to diffusing our childrens difficult and even explosive conduct. A critical shift in our approach to parenting takes place when we begin to understand that there is no such thing as a disobedient child, only a disoriented one.

In this chapter, we will examine our misconceptions about disobedience. If we can see our kids challenging behavior as an attempt to orient themselves within the frenetic, confusing world they struggle to navigate, our role will shift from Disciplinarian in Chief or Crisis Management Specialist to Governor, Gardener, and Guide.

Children, tweens, and teens orient themselves in a number of ways. They may read, play creatively, listen to a story, spend time in nature, delve into a hobby, or simply decompress while hanging out with family. These types of activities form a protective sheath between them and the hardness of the real world. They become the membrane through which kids process and digest all the good, the bad, and the busy things that happen in their lives. Engaging in these kinds of activities is not just a form of coping. Its how kids build resiliency and a burgeoning sense of self-esteem. When they can find a more centered and peaceful place within, they can let go and regroup their inner resources. What they are building is a sense of knowing who and where they are in their lives. When they can do this, they feel safe and well oriented.

But when there is too much going on in their lives, children lose their bearings and become disoriented. This can trigger a reaction that often manifests as challenging behavior. They push back against the world outside themselves. Unfortunately, the outside world they push against tends to be those nearest and dearest to them. It is so important to understand that their naughtiness or disrespect is not simply misbehavior but an attempt to come to some sort of balance in which they feel oriented and comfortable.