Anne Marie Albano - You and Your Anxious Child: Free Your Child from Fears and Worries and Create a Joyful Family Life

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Copyright 2013 by Anne Marie Albano and Lynn Sonberg

Illustrations 2013 by Lisel Jane Ashlock

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Published simultaneously in Canada

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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Albano, Anne Marie.

You and your anxious child : free your child from fears and worries and create a joyful family life / Anne Marie Albano with Leslie Pepper.

p. cm.

Includes index.

ISBN 978-1-101-60030-6

1. Anxiety in children. 2. Fear in children. I. Pepper, Leslie. II. Title.

BF723.A5A53 2013 2012039976

155.4'1246dc23

Most names and identifying characteristics have been changed to protect the privacy of the individuals involved.

While the authors have made every effort to provide accurate telephone numbers, Internet addresses, and other contact information at the time of publication, neither the publisher nor the authors assume any responsibility for errors, or for changes that occur after publication. Further, the publisher does not have any control over and does not assume any responsibility for author or third-party websites or their content.

You and Your Childs Anxiety

T immy, a seven-year-old boy, came with his parents, Jon and Linda, to the Columbia University Clinic for Anxiety and Related Disorders, where I am the director. Timmy was a handsome boy with big blue eyes and a mop of curly hair, but his furrowed brow revealed the ever-present worry that preoccupied his mind. He leaned forward in his chair, elbows on his knees and hands wringing whenever he uttered a word.

As the story of Timmy and his parents unfolded, I thought of the classic childrens book Goodnight Moon. On one page, there is a drawing of the little bunny in bed, alone in the dark. Its a primal scene in a heartwarming book, but theres also something poignant about seeing the little fellow all alone in a big, big room. Timmy wasnt good at being alone, in the dark or otherwise. He always wanted to be wherever his parents were, and he trailed them around the house like a shadow. More than once, Linda stepped back from the stove or sink and right onto her son, not realizing that he had slipped up quietly behind her and was sitting on the floor.

School was a daily battle. Many days, Timmy threw tantrums that caused him to miss the bus, so Linda was chronically late for work. Once at school, Timmy often complained of tummy aches, and although he usually managed to stay through the last bell, other times he begged the nurse to call his mother, who would leave work early to come pick him up.

Although Linda only worked part-time hours at the office, while home she often stayed quite busy on her laptop with consulting work. Jon and Linda thought perhaps Timmys problems stemmed from her work schedule, and after much deliberation they decided shed leave her job. If she were home to spend more quality time with Timmy, they thought, his troubles would diminish.

But instead, they got worse. Now that Linda was home all the time, Timmy stuck to her like glue. Even when he was in the bathroom, the door was always open. At night, Timmy shared a room with his four-year-old brother. Yet, more nights than not, he sneaked down the hall and climbed into his parents bed.

Jon and Linda consulted their pediatrician, who told them separation anxiety was normal. Timmy would grow out of it, he said reassuringly, so they resigned themselves to wait for that magical day and make the best of things in the meantime.

Then, one weekend, Timmys parents invited another couple over for a visit. Timmy was so engrossed in playing with the couples eight-year-old son that he didnt notice when everyone else went down to the basement. When Timmy realized that he couldnt hear his parents voices, he began to frantically search for them, screaming and crying as he ran from room to room. When he reached the top of the basement stairs, he heard his parents talking below and rushed down toward them. At that same moment, his little brother was making his way up the stairs. In his desperation, Timmy pushed the younger boy, who tumbled backward.

Timmys little brother lay crumpled at the foot of the stairs. Yet even as his parents hurried to help their younger son, Timmy pulled at their sleeves, wailing, Where were you? Fortunately, Timmys brother was fine. But his parents were not. They finally understood that his separation anxiety was not just a normal, passing phase but a serious problem.

When I interviewed Timmy, he explained that every time his parents were out of sight, he was terrified that hed never see them again. And the school bus? He was consumed by fear that the driver would forget he was there. When I pressed for details, he described an imagined scenario in which the driver would drop off all the other children but skip his house. Then the bus driver will go to the big parking garage and put the bus away and go home. And Ill still be on the bus alone. It will get dark, and no one will know where I am.

This is when I thought of the little bunny in bed, alone and scared. Timmy never considered how easy it would be to simply speak up and let the driver know he was there. Nor did he realize how remote the chances were that the driver would park the bus overnight with a student still in it. In his mind, the threat was very realand very frightening. It was just one fear among many that fueled Timmys anxiety disorder.

Although Linda and Jon tried everything to help their son, and Linda even quit her job to try to calm her sons fears, we saw in Timmys case that it did not help the problem and in fact made it even worse. I hear stories like this every day in my office, from the richest to the poorest families, from single moms to two-dad households. Though the specifics may change, the overarching problem is similar with every parent who comes through my doors.