Brette McWhorter Sember - Unmarried with Children: The Complete Guide for Unmarried Families

Unmarried
with Children

The Complete Guide
for Unmarried Families

Brette McWhorter Sember, J.D.,

with Technical Review by Philip S. Hall, Ph.D.

Copyright 2008 by Brette McWhorter Sember
All rights reserved.
This book, or parts thereof, may not be reproduced in any
form without permission from the publisher; exceptions are
made for brief excerpts used in published reviews.

Published by
Adams Media, an F+W Publications Company
57 Littlefield Street, Avon, MA 02322. U.S.A.
www.adamsmedia.com

ISBN-10: 1-59869-587-8
ISBN-13: 978-1-59869-587-8
eISBN: 978-1-44051-522-4

Printed in the United States of America.

J I H G F E D C B A

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
is available from the publisher.

This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information with regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering legal, accounting, or other professional advice. If legal advice or other expert assistance is required, the services of a competent professional person should be sought.

From a Declaration of Principles jointly adopted by a Committee of the
American Bar Association and a Committee of Publishers and Associations

Many of the designations used by manufacturers and sellers to distinguish their product are claimed as trademarks. Where those designations appear in this book and Adams Media was aware of a trademark claim, the designations have been printed with initial capital letters.

This book is available at quantity discounts for bulk purchases.
For information, please call 1-800-289-0963.

Contents

CHAPTER 1:
Making Decisions That Fit Your Life

CHAPTER 2:
The Legal Rights of Unmarried Mothers

CHAPTER 3:
The Legal Rights of Unmarried Fathers

CHAPTER 4:
The Legal Rights of Gay and Lesbian Parents

CHAPTER 5:
The Rights of Children of Unmarried Parents

CHAPTER 6:
Adoption by Unmarried Parents

CHAPTER 7:
Assisted Conception and Unmarried Parents

CHAPTER 8:
Parents and Partners: Parenting as an Unmarried Couple

CHAPTER 9:
Parents but Not Partners: Parenting as an
Unmarried Non-Romantic Couple

CHAPTER 10:
Solo Parenting: Parenting as an Unmarried Single

CHAPTER 11:
Unmarried Stepparents

CHAPTER 12:
Dealing with Other People

CHAPTER 13:
Planning for the Future

CHAPTER 14:
Ending Your Unmarried Relationship

APPENDIX A:
Sample Forms

APPENDIX B:
Book and Web Resources

Also by the author:

The Adoption Answer Book

The Complete Gay Divorce

Gay and Lesbian Medical Rights: How to Protect Yourself, Your Partner and Your Family

Gay and Lesbian Parenting Choices: From Adopting or Using a Surrogate to Choosing the Perfect Father

Gay and Lesbian Rights: A Guide for GLBT Singles, Couples, and Families

How to Parent with Your Ex

The Infertility Answer Book

Your Plus-Size Pregnancy: The Ultimate Guide for the Full-Figured Expectant Mom

Your Practical Pregnancy Planner: Everything You Need to Know about the Financial and Legal Aspects of Preparing for Your New Baby

Acknowledgments

Many thanks to my superb agent, Gina Panettieri, friend and partner in my work, and to my editor, Katrina Schroeder, who has been a true pleasure to work with. Phil Hall has been the most excellent of coauthorsknowledgeable and supportive in every way. I would also like to thank the wonderful team at Adams Media, who have supported me every step along the way.

Introduction

This book is meant as a guide and as a support for you, the unmarried parent. Unmarried parents are no longer a quiet minority. More and more couples have children without being married (although some eventually choose to marry later); there is a dramatic increase in the number of single women choosing to become solo parents without a partner; and there are also many gay/lesbian couples choosing to become parents.

You arent alone. In fact, 1.25 million babies in the United States are born each year outside of traditional marriage. Parents who are raising children outside of a traditional marriage (sometimes together as a couple, sometimes separately) are part of a widespread trend that exists on every social level, even the Hollywood elite: Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell, Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins, Madonna and her bodyguard (the father of her first child), Jessica Lange and Sam Shepard, and Farah Fawcett and Ryan ONeal. Hollywood also has its share of single moms having or adopting children alone, such as Calista Flockhart, Camryn Manheim, Mia Farrow, and Sharon Stone. There are also many gay couples raising children outside of marriage, including Rosie and Kelli ODonnell and Melissa Etheridge and her partner.

The choice you have made to have a child deserves support, encouragement, and recognition. Choosing to become a parent is important, frightening, awe-inspiring, time-consuming, confusing, rewarding, and tiring. Marriage, sexual preference, or living arrangements does not affect anyones ability to be a good parent. Very little support has been made available to the growing unmarried parent segment of the population, and youre probably aware of the prejudice and stereotypes that some people hold about unmarried parents; its time for that to change.

You are as much a parent as any other parent out there. This book is written to give you access to the legal and practical information you need to make your job as an unmarried parent easier. Because our society does have a prejudice against people who have children outside of marriage, there are some hoops to jump through in order to deal with the legalities of your situation. This book will help you understand these requirements and guide your decisions about them. Because of the attitude that exists in society, there are problems you may encounter in your daily life as an unmarried parent. In this book youll find practical solutions to these problems and alternatives for coping with them. Mostly though, this book is designed to be a support for you, to help you remember that what matters is your child and not what other people think.

As with all books that deal with legal issues, its important to understand that the laws in each state are different and that laws are always changing. To get up-to-the-minute legal advice, its a good idea to talk to an attorney in your state. This book is meant to be informative, but it cannot give you the personal, individual advice an attorney can, and it is not intended to be a substitute for legal advice.

Each chapter contains Advocacy Tips. These tips show you ways that laws and perceptions can be changed and offer suggestions for how you can help effect change. In each chapter you will also find a Life Lesson, a scenario exemplifying real-life situations.

This book is a complete guide for you as you raise your child in a situation that, while it may be considered nontraditional, creates a loving and beautiful family. Raising a child is one of the most important things you will ever do, and my hope is that youll find all of the information and support you need in this book as you create and enjoy the family of your dreams.