Jenna Ward-Hawkes - Managing Meltdowns and Tantrums on the Autism Spectrum: A Parent and Caregivers Guide

MANAGING MELTDOWNS
AND TANTRUMS ON THE
AUTISM SPECTRUM

A Parent and Caregivers Guide

JENNA WARD-HAWKES AND MELISSA RODI

CONTENTS

PRELUDE

Not again. How long will this go on for? Why are you doing this? There are people around. Stop staring at me. Dont they know I am a good parent? Am I a good parent?

These thoughts are a snapshot of the questions that can go through a parents mind when their child is having a tantrum or a meltdown in public. Often mums and dads alike feel alonefeel judgedfeel misunderstood. Then there is also the feeling of uncertainty uncertain if they are the parent they dreamed of being.

Lets imagine a situation that might provoke these questions and feelings in a parent:

You are at the grocery store with your Mr 4-year-old. You only need to grab a couple of things. Youve been brave and decided to duck in and out quickly. So far it has been smooth sailing. Mr 4-year-old is happily sitting in the trolley playing on the tablet (your life saver!). As you pause in the aisle to find the right gluten-free bread you need, Mr 4-year-old sees a chocolate bar on the opposite side (why do they put bread with the chocolates?). I want chocolate, comes his little voice, reaching out desperately to grab it. Not today, honey, we need to get home and have some lunch and then you can have your chocolate muffin. You know your words havent registered at all; you wait for it as you see the sudden shift in his mood. This happens in a split second, the I must have this right now mood. Mr 4-year-old begins to yell, I want chocolate! and this soon turns into screaming followed by hysterical tears falling down his cheeks. He is desperately trying to get out of the trolley with what seems like an impossible amount of strength for a 4-year-old. You want to give in. You know you shouldnt give in. You know you shouldnt because its perfectly acceptable for you to say no to chocolate, but you can also feel everyone in the aisle staring at you and waiting for your next perfect move (whatever perfect means anyway). Mr 4-year-old then throws the tablet, cracking the screen. His screams and cries sound like you are trying to murder him. You quickly pick up the tablet and push the trolley forward whilst Mr 4-year-old starts to hit you and spit at you while screaming chocolate! At that moment, it feels like everyone is looking out of the corner of their eyes, just waiting to see what you will do next and how you will handle this. Again, whats your perfect move going to be? You feel like no matter what you do, you will be judged for it. You try to stay strong and act like this behaviour is normal and Mr 4-year-old will be over it as soon as it began. You try to appear like you are in control, but you know his willpower is a force to be reckoned with as you have experienced this many times before. The tantrum has now escalated into a full-blown meltdown, and you can feel your strength draining. You feel embarrassed that you are not in control of your childs behaviour. You feel like you could burst into tears yourself. Having to manage this in public with judgemental eyes watching you makes it even harder. A little voice in your head says, Just give him the chocolate, its easier that way. You give inits too latethe chocolate didnt work. Mr 4-year-old has reached the point of return and all you want to do is get out of there.

Most parents have been in a similar situation, which can trigger these emotions of anxiety, frustration, embarrassment and even deflation. The reoccurring question enters your mind: how do I manage this behaviour?

But most parents havent had that one meltdown that lasts longer than what feels like an eternity the meltdown that is more intense than impending labour and triggered by something that to you, seems so very small. The emotional and mental energy that it takes to respond to a meltdown of this magnitude should not be underestimated. It is like all of the should dos go out the window because you are investing all of your focus on just surviving. We want to support you through that emotional tornado. We want to acknowledge that it wont be easy, but it is our greatest desire to give you some reassurance and confidence to deal with your childs tantrums or meltdowns. We advocate consistent behavioural strategies can be used by parents to help them remain emotionally supportive and well connected to their children during times of big feelings.

CHAPTER 1

WHAT IS HAPPENING TO THE BRAIN DURING A TANTRUM OR MELTDOWN?

It is empowering to understand what is happening in the brain as a meltdown builds and gains momentum. For so many of us, knowledge is power, and in this context, understanding what is happening in the brain will change how you respond to your child experiencing a tantrum or meltdown. Understanding your childs emotional response means you are able to put together a management and response plan with more certainty. It is also going to be helpful to understand why your child can get from 0 to 100 in 0.3 seconds flat, hitting a point where it looks like an alien has invaded their body and they are not responsive to anything . In order to understand what is happening when your child experiences a meltdown, it is handy to have an understanding of brain structures and processes.

First, lets think about the term arousal . Arousal is a physiological reaction to something in our environment. It is the input our senses are taking in and how our body and brain are going to manage that input. We can think about this as being represented on a graph (we love visuals!), with level of arousal being the vertical axis and events/triggers being the horizontal axis over the day (stay with us, your own visual is coming! See ). Somewhere in the middle of the graph is our window . The theory of this window of tolerance originated from the wonderful works of Dr Daniel Siegel and, whilst this was in the context of childhood trauma, it gives us an understanding of how the brain responds to stress (see, for example, Siegel 2012). How big or small our window is depends on how much or what type of input we can take in, while still keeping within a manageable or tolerable level of arousal (or how much we can keep it together in response to a situation or event). At the very top of the graph we get to a cut-off point where arousal is so high that our brain will automatically enter what is known as the fight/flight/freeze response (Cannon 1929).

Figure 1.1. Arousal and fight/flight/freeze response

The fight/flight/freeze response is a built-in, adaptive function or process in our brain. We all have it, and it serves a very important purpose. It is there to protect us when something life-threatening is happening, and we must act right now to have the best chance of survival.

In the brain we have different structures that work together to activate this response.