Bernardo Carducci - The Shyness Breakthrough: A No-Stress Plan to Help Your Shy Child Warm Up, Open Up, and Join tthe Fun

Notice

This book is intended as a reference volume only, not as a medical manual. The information given here is designed to help you make informed decisions about your childs behavior and emotional health. It is not intended as a substitute for any treatment that may have been prescribed by your childs doctor or psychologist. If you suspect that your child has a medical or psychological problem, we urge you to seek competent medical help.

Mention of specific companies, organizations, or authorities in this book does not imply endorsement by the publisher, nor does mention of specific companies, organizations, or authorities imply that they endorse this book.

2003 by Bernardo J. Carducci, Ph.D., and Lisa Kaiser, M.A.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or any other information storage and retrieval system, without the written permission of the publisher.

Book design by Carol Angstadt

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Carducci, Bernardo J.

The shyness breakthrough : a no-stress plan to help your shy child warm up, open up, and join the fun / Bernardo J. Carducci.

p. cm.

Includes bibliographical references and index.

eISBN 9781623363680 ebook

ISBN 1579547613 paperback

1. Bashfulness in children. 2. Child rearing. I. Title.

BF723.B3C37 2003

649'.1dc21

2003011207

This book is dedicated to Edward Carducci, my father, to the memory of Mary Carducci, my mother, and Rozana Carducci, my daughter. Their love and support made all of my breakthroughs possible, shyness and otherwise.

CONTENTS

Breakthroughs are never accomplished alone. Acknowledging this, I would like to recognize many individuals for helping me make The Shyness Breakthrough possible. First and foremost, I would like to thank the thousands of shy individuals, parents of shy children, and educators who have written and called me to share their stories of shyness and participated in my on-going research. Such individuals inspired the collective voice I am representing in The Shyness Breakthrough. This book is really their story, reflecting their passion, their concern, and their desire to help children to break through the painful barrier of shyness, be they their own, those of loved ones, or their students. I also received special support from a group of individuals whose intimate participation made The Shyness Breakthrough a reality. These special contributors are Barbara Augsburger, Sara and John Burke, Karen Chan, Jasmine Chung, Donna Eaves, Ariel Fuchs, Robert Greenan, Doris Jenkins, the Kaiser family, Laura Labott, Greg Mann, Suchi Reddy, Ray Santiago, Donna Smith, Eytan Tsioni, Jane and Sarah Velez, Marilyn Wagner, Nancy Totten, Gabrielle Carr, Jacqueline Johnson, Marty Rosen, Melanie Hughes, Dennis Kreps, Gayle Sallee, Robert Caudill, Mervil Carmickle, and the lunch bunch, Lesley Deal, Kathleen Norvell, and Brigette Colligan.

Amy Kovalski provided meaningful and constructive editorial help to sharpen the ideas presented in The Shyness Breakthrough. Finally, a special heartfelt expression of my gratitude goes to Lisa Kaiser, who helped clarify, solidify, and amplify the message I wanted to project in The Shyness Breakthrough. Lisa helped me to create a literary battering ram that will make it possible for parents and educators to empower children to break through their shyness barriers.

There are two other individuals who deserve special thanks. Jessica Faust, my agent, became the first person truly to believe in the message of The Shyness Breakthrough when it was just a proposal. I knew after speaking with Jessica for the first time that shewith a sense of excitement in her voiceshared my enthusiasm, commitment, and urgency to make the Breakthrough happen, as she said,... as quickly as possible because this is really going to help lots of parents, teachers, and shy kids. Such support is an authors dream. Lou Cinquino, my editor at Rodale, became the rudder that kept this project on course. While Lou knew instinctively what was good about the Breakthrough, he provided the kind of editorial advice that made it even better. As my mother used to say, You always want to be around people who will make you better. For me, Lou has been one of those people.

As I said, breakthroughs are never accomplished alone. So, to all of these special individuals who have, in their own unique way, become a meaningful part of my life, I say, Thanks for helping me make my dream of The Shyness Breakthrough come true. I owe you one, each and every one of you.

BJC

I listen to their stories. I see their faces. I hear their secrets. While, almost by definition, few shy people openly talk about their experiences, as director of the Shyness Research Institute at Indiana University Southeast in New Albany, Ive reached out to countless shy people to hear whats usually left unsaid. I hear what its like to feel shy, to be left out, to be on the periphery of stressful social encounters. I hear about the struggles, the roots and causes of shy feelings, and what these emotions have prevented otherwise brilliant people from accomplishing. But Im also lucky enough to hear whats helped them, how theyve broken out of their limitations, and how many of these adults have risen to great achievement.

Ive found that while shy children and adults often feel isolated in their silent fears, theyre not alone. According to my research, almost 50 percent of adults believe that they are shy. And it is this self-definition that counts when speaking of shyness, because an individuals self-definition affects their thoughts, feelings, and behaviorin short, their entire world. Almost half of these shy individuals say that their shyness was caused by their childhood experiences. In addition, more than 90 percent of adults say that theyve experienced shyness at some point in their lives.

Its clear that shyness must be a perfectly natural human response to a wide variety of social encounters. Yet shyness remains as an obstacle to success for many adults. For 3 to 13 percent of shy adults, shyness is a debilitating condition that causes extreme anxiety reactions that interfere with their lives. For the rest of usthe vast majority of usshyness is much more moderate. Yet, when we dont confront it head-on, even moderate shyness can hold us back and keep us from achieving our goals.

Shy adults arent the only ones who turn to me for help, however. Parents, teachers, and concerned loved ones contact me for advice regarding the shy, bashful children in their lives. Just as shy adults struggle with the same unspoken but common fears, parents of shy kids ask me the same questions and feel the same sense of responsibility and anxiety.

I can understand why parents and loved ones are so confused. After all, conventional wisdom is telling them that their shy kids will grow out of it, while their intuition is telling them that their kids need more guidance and care. In addition, many of these parents are shy, too, and struggle with the same situations their children face.