Stephanie Moulton Sarkis - ADD and Your Money: A Guide to Personal Finance for Adults With Attention Deficit Disorder

In any relationship (whether or not one or both partners have ADD), money can be a major source of conflict. Money issues for couples include excessive spending, disagreements over who controls the money, and not having enough money to meet financial obligations. When one or both of the partners have ADD, these issues become magnified. Arguments about money can affect all aspects of a relationship. If these issues are not resolved, they can lead to permanent damage to the relationship and to your financial standing.

In this chapter and throughout the book, most of the information that relates to couples applies to all couples in intimate relationships, regardless of marital status or gender. The exceptions are those sections that specifically discuss legal issues related to marriage and divorce. The information given also applies whether one or both partners in a relationship have ADD.

How ADD Affects Relationships

In general, the ADD population has a higher rate of divorce and remarriage than the non-ADD population (Barkley, Murphy, and Fischer 2008). When people with ADD are married, they may have less marital satisfaction than people without ADD (Eakin et al. 2004) and they report more problems in their marriages than their non-ADD partners (Eakin et al. 2004). Further, partners of people with ADD report more psychological distress and less marital satisfaction than partners of non-ADD people (Minde et al. 2003). The results from these studies are just as applicable to other partnerships or committed relationships.

When an ADD partner forgets to pay the bills, bounces a check, or spends impulsively, the non-ADD partner may feel like this behavior is due to laziness or apathy, is done intentionally, or is a comment on how little the partner values their relationship. In reality, this forgetful and disorganized behavior is not to be taken personally. People with ADD usually suffer from feelings of guilt and incompetence about their mismanagement of money. And because people with ADD have difficulty learning from their errors, they may still keep making the same mistakes, leading to increased frustration for both partners. Therefore, the issues continue to cause problemsspiraling into more conflict in the relationship.

Your relationship with money is largely based on how your parents handled money when you were a child. Most people learn money management skills from their parents. Because ADD is highly inheritable, it is very likely that one (or even both) of your parents have ADD. If that is the case, you may not have been exposed to good financial practices and may not have learned how to manage your money wisely.

One way for you and your partner to better understand each other and how each of you handles money is to discuss your earliest experiences with money. You may find that you and your partner had similar experiences or you may find your experiences were totally different. Either way, it opens a window into why you and your partner behave certain ways when it comes to spending and saving money. Discuss the following questions with your partner:

• What is your earliest memory regarding money? Is it a memory of your parents arguing about how much money was being spent? Maybe you remember going with one of your parents to make a deposit at the bank?
• What did you learn about money back then? Did you learn that there would always be enough money for everyone, or did you learn that money was something that was scarce?
• What do you remember the most about your parents relationship with money?
• Which of your parents beliefs or attitudes about money do you still carry with you today?
• Are those beliefs helping you or hindering you from achieving financial success?

After discussing these questions with your partner, talk about how you can use these experiences in a positive wayto both decrease the amount of arguing about money and to better understand each other.

Savers and Spenders

In every couple, there is usually a saver and a spender. If given $1,000, the saver will most likely put the money in the bank or invest it, while a spender will go out and buy the large-screen TV he or she has been eyeing. Usually, savers and spenders compliment each other well.

Due to impulsivity, the person with ADD usually falls into the spender category. This can lead to marital conflicts regarding excessive spending and increasing debt. However, some people with ADD can be savers because they are keenly aware that they have a tendency to go overboard with their spending. However, being an excessive saver can be just as detrimental as being an excessive spender. Excessive savers run the risk of depriving themselves (and their families) in order to save money. Moderation in saving and spending is the key.

You may be a saver, a spender, or a combination of both. This quiz will clarify for you which one you resemble the most.

1. When a new tech gadget comes on the market, I am one of the first to buy it.

   a. Yes

   b. No

2. I have saved up at least two months of living expenses in my savings account.

   a. No

   b. Yes

3. I have had arguments with my partner because I come home from the store with more items than were on the shopping list.

   a. Yes

   b. No

4. Sometimes I deny myself the items I need because I am afraid of running out of money.

   a. No

   b. Yes

5. If I want to make a big purchase, I go home and think about it for a day or two before I buy it.

   a. No

   b. Yes

See how many of your answers are As and Bs. The more As you have, the more likely it is that you are a spender. You might benefit from paying close attention to where you spend your money and the amount you are spending. If you have more Bs, you tend to be a saver. Its great that you are saving up for emergencies, but also make sure you are able to spend money on things that are important to you and your family.

Financial Cheating

People with ADD are more prone to infidelity due to boredom and the need for novelty, and, likewise, they can also be prone to financial cheating. This includes purposely hiding purchases or accounts from their partner. You may hide purchases because you know your partner is watchful of your impulsive spending and will get angry if he or she finds out about the new purchase. This type of cheating can have just as much of a negative impact on your relationship as having an affair.