Gouri Dange - ABCs of Parenting

G O U R I D A N G E

Ahmedabad Bangalore Bhopal Bhubaneswar Chennai
Delhi Hyderabad Kolkata Lucknow Mumbai

Acounsellor can step in when the parent-child relationship needs support and direction.

In this age of nuclear urban families, many of us live without the parallel, compensatory support of the larger family unit within our homes. Without other adults and elders in the home, today parenting has become an extremely demanding, one-person or two-person task and responsibility. In addition to this, there are the stresses and strains of modern lifestyles, both on parents as well as children - work pressures, examinations, competition

In this scenario, a counsellor has become an important and significant support-provider in the parent-child relationship.

What prompts people to go see a counselor? Several circumstances:

When the parent-child relationship has come to a difficult point, and there seems to be some kind of impasse, an inability to move forward.

When there is a persistent and recurring behavioural/ mental/emotional problem within the family unit or in school.

When parents/children experience overwhelming grief, anger, or confusion over an incident or a development.

When there is need for the intervention/help from outside of the family unit over a particular issue.

What does a counsellor bring to the situation? Many aspects:

A professional, objective and all-round understanding of the situation.

A compassionate approach, enabling both parent and child to voice their concerns, fears, or grievances.

An ability to identify, intervene and break any vicious cycle of behaviour that may have formed within the unit.

A limited, time-bound plan to effect sustainable change in the attitudes/behaviour of the people involved, and thus help them move forward.

What are the things that a counsellor will not/should not do? There are several:

Will not offer medication. Most counsellors are not trained/qualified to do so, unless they also have a degree in medicine/psychiatry. If a counsellor thinks that there is a psychiatric-medication issue involved, either with parent or child, she/he will refer them to a qualified psychiatrist.

Will not take the place of the parent in teaching children day-to-day good habits, helping with homework, or simply baby-sit for the parents.

Will not report to the parents everything that the child talks about or confides.

Will not gang up with the parents and force the child to tow the line. This means that the counsellor will not be necessarily the agent of the parents.

Will not sit in moral judgement about anything that the child or parents reveal.

What should you tell your counsellor? Some key things:

First, visit without your child, and tell the counsellor whatever comes up, your own personal problems, your parenting issues, and any other matter that you may want to share.

Once you take your child, let your child speak, without interrupting him/her. The counsellor may also ask to speak alone with the child.

Always tell the counsellor the truth. It defeats the purpose to tell half-truths or exaggerations, or to hide an important family issue.

Go with an open mind, prepared to speak as well as listen, really listen. After all, you are not going there only to hear what you already believe. You are going to a counsellor for fresh insights.

There is an old saying: God can mend a broken heart but you have to give him all the pieces. It is something like that with a counsellor.

Genuine feedback, rather than harsh criticism, works wonders.

Criticism, by definition, is something that no one really likes to hear, particularly not children, and particularly not from their parents. However, we are often called upon to correct our children, and in the process to criticize them.

Firstly, why do we need to criticize, and not simply correct or guide a child each time that she errs in some way? We need to use criticism to show children (or anyone for that matter) not just their mistake, but a recurring tendency or attitude that needs to change. How do we do this in a way that is effective and yet not destructive or damaging to the child or to our relationship with her? Today there is a lot of talk about constructive criticism. How does one criticize a child constructively?

By providing feedback, rather than judgement and condemnation of any particular behaviour. When you provide feedback, it checks you from making sweeping statements and drastic forecasts, such as: youre always late or youre never going to learn. Feedback is milder, more to the point, and provides a cause-and-effect equation to the child. For instance: You were late again today, this held up the school bus, and annoyed the other children. Soon they may ask you to come on your own to school. No doubt, when a child repeatedly makes the same mistake, we are sorely aggravated and tempted to say something quite nasty but this is really only to vent our own feelings of irritation, and does nothing constructive at all.

Secondly, constructive criticism is always made with a suggestion (or even possibly a rule) about how something can be done differently. Take the example of the child who is late in getting ready for school. Suggesting and implementing earlier wake-up time, better preparation for school on the night before, etc work much better than your harsh words, however real and valid they may be. This takes the problem in a forward direction, instead of round and round, in predictable and frustrating circles.

Thirdly, constructive criticism is always genuine. So it is never couched in pretend-sweet words. You do not need to swing from being severe and harsh to being sugary on the surface most children can see right through that kind of a thing! While providing constructive criticism, you can be kind, but firm and effective.