Anthony E. Wolf - Why Can’t You Shut Up?: How We Ruin Relationships--How Not To

Table of Contents

ToMaryAlice

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

I would like to thank Cynthia Merman and Elisabeth Kallick Dyssegaard for their help in editing drafts of this book. I want to thank Susanna Porter for her very thoughtful and rigorous editing of the final drafts that has made this a much better book than it would have been. I would like to thank Johanna Bowman for her ever-willing help in moving the book forward. As always, I want to thank my agent, Joe Spieler, without whom I would not have a career as a writer.

I also want to thank Sara Meiklejohn for her thoughtful advice with various stages of the book, and John Meiklejohn for his support and advice. I want to thank Diane Nadeau for helping to type many of the stages of this manuscript. I also want to thank Julie Vaillancourt for tolerating the gentleman with the stacks of papers at the Star-bucks across the street from my office where most of this book was written.

I particularly want to thank my good friend Hugh Conlon for being a constantly willing and supportive listener in the writing of the book. Last, I want to thank my wife, Mary Alice, who has listened to or read sometimes more than onceeverything that has gone into this book, and for her continuing patience and support.

FOREWORD

I am a practicing psychologist who throughout my professional life has worked with children, adolescents, and adults. I have been married to my wife, Mary Alice, for thirty-seven years. We have two grown children. As anybody who has been married or lives with a partner for an extended period of time knows, thirty-seven years is an incredibly long time for two people to stay together. Thirty-seven years is a lot of life. It is breath-taking to me, and I believe to Mary Alice as well, that weve been such a huge part of each others lives for so long a time. I should add that we are both strong-willed people. Actually very strong willed. And on many issues we have disagreed. Many issues.

How, then, did we stay together?

There is a simple explanation. Though strong willed, I am also a wonderful, humble, and flexible person. I cannot tell you how many times in the course of our marriage it was I who gave in when I knew, and I mean knew, I was right and that Mary Alice was wrong. In fact, not only was I right, not only was Mary Alice wrongI can show you videotapes and let

you decide for yourselfbut not once did Mary Alice recognize that I was right and she was wrong. Not one time. And not only did Mary Alice not concede I was right, she always said I was wrong. Often I would draw up extensive and clearly prepared legal briefs proving my case beyond any doubt. Mary Alice wouldnt even look at them.

You should see yourself, was what she would usually say.

What did she mean by that? I didnt get it.

At parties, I would corner people. In supermarket linesparticularly where there were middle-aged lady cashiersI would present my case, and invariably they would agree with me. In truth, the teenage cashiers and baggers werent really so interested.

The point: Despite my having been right so many times, Mary Alice so wildly wrong, despite her so repeatedly maintaining just the opposite, we are still married. How could that be?

The answer is that somewhere in my braindespite all that I have just said, despite all the obvious rightness of all the positions that I have taken and absolutely not convinced Mary Alice ofthere has been another voice, a voice that spoke very differently. It spoke of a very important fact: I actually like this relationship. I love my wife. I think I am unbelievably lucky. I dont want the relationship to end. Not only that, I want the time that Mary Alice and I are together to be as nice as possible. Im lucky that Mary Alice puts up with mehas put up with me for all these years.

Somehow, enough of the time, that saner voice came through.

Another point: Thinking back about all those times that I was right, I dont actually remember exactly what it was that I was so right about.

But it is also true that there were times when the saner voice did not come through. There were many times when my less mature side did win out. And those times were not so good.

This book is about the constant battle between the part of us that is reasonable and actually has as its top priority what is genuinely best for us and for our relationships, and on the other side, a very primitive part in all of us, a part that has a great power, a part whose only interest is getting its way now. And in that pursuit, it never backs down, never lets go, and with complete disregard for its own best interests will wreck relationships to achieve its own primitive goal.

I call it the baby self.

INTRODUCTION

Presenting the Baby Self

At work, a box of doughnuts was passed around, but Kathleen, who was watching her weight, didnt have any. I really shouldnt, she thought.

However, that evening Kathleen didnt think anything as she polished off the six doughnuts she had picked up on the way home from work for the familys breakfast the next morning.

Robert had a reputation for always being courteous with clients and co-workers.

However, at home with his family he was often rude, short-tempered, and impatient, an entirely less mature, far less pleasant person.

Arnold spent Saturday afternoon at his friend Hughs house helping him put up shelving in his basement.

However, it was now four months since Arnold had promised his wife that he would fix the cabinet in the downstairs bathroom. I will. If you just dont keep bugging me about it. I said I would do it.

Claire, at thirty-eight, had reached a level of hard-won maturity; she could deal with even the most difficult interpersonal situations with real poise.

But her mother had only to open her mouth and Claire found herself feeling and acting like a six-year-old.

We all have two distinct modes of operating, really two separate selves. Both are us. Both are necessary. Onewhat I call the baby selfis the mode of basic nurturing. The baby self likes to be home, relax, and unwind. It wants to be fed now, and it tolerates absolutely no stress. It has no patience, no self-control. It just wants what it wants. It is the side of us that likes to sit on the couch, watch TV, eat Doritos, and be bothered by nothing and nobody.

Honey, could you hand me the remote?

Its right next to you.

But Ill have to stretch a little to reach it, and you know about my back.

No, I dont know about your back. This is the first Ive heard of it.

Well, now you do. Could you hand me the remote? Please.

But there is another side to uswhat I call the mature selfthat operates at a completely different, much higher level. This part of us is willing to go out into the world, work, postpone gratification, and deal with stress to accomplish goals. It has patience, and it has self-control. These two modes exist side by side. Over the course of a day, they operate very much like a shifting of gears. Sometimes one is in control, sometimes the other.

Our baby selves tend to come out at home and especially in the presence of those in our lives to whom we are closest and with whom we feel the most comfortable. Immediate family members bring out our baby selfour partners, our children, our siblings, often our parents. But so do close friends. And, of course, roommates, regardless of whether they are friends or not. Last and most inconvenientour baby self can surface with bosses and co-workers. Bosses have real power over us, so work can mimic the familyboss as the parent, co-workers as siblings.