Abrams Brian - Party like a president: true tales of inebriation, lechery, and mischief from the Oval Office

Party Like a President

True Tales of Inebriation, Lechery, and Mischief from the Oval Office

by Brian Abrams

illustrated by JOHN MATHIAS

Workman Publishing * New York

To Professor Irwin Corey

friend, comedy legend, and always too hip for the room

Contents

Introduction

Which President Would You Have a Beer With?

In the two years I spent researching and writing Party Like a Presidentfrom reading nothing but political biographies and archived periodicals, to conducting dozens of interviews with presidential museum librarians, university professors, and National Park Service rangersthis was one of the questions that friends wanted me to answer. And why wouldnt they? Such sentiments have plagued elections since 1840. Its perhaps the dumbest thing anyone could contemplate within 300 feet of a polling places entrance. And yet, Americans are comforted to know that the incoming leader isnt some animatronic black ops experimentthat he or she does, in fact, have an appreciation for a generous pour of 12-year Glenlivet or the salted rim of a margarita glass. We are reassured to learn that they, too, require a stiff one at the end of a long day.

Indeed, alcohol provides a departure from workplace hellswhether one is steaming milk for a teenagers latte or negotiating an armament control treaty. Burdened with establishing precedent at his every move, George Washington plowed through three to four glasses of Madeira during his midday dinners. In the Cold War era, Harry Truman threw back an ounce of Old Grand-Dad each morning to get the engine going. And lets not dismiss the joys of sex and drugs. John F. Kennedy admitted that he could not get to sleep without a lay. In retirement, an ailing Ulysses S. Grant mixed cocaine with both water and wine to help him finish writing what would become a best-selling memoir. On some level, the fact that even the president of the United States finds sanctuary inside of a bottle or in a mistresss bed might give us a sense of national unity. Or we should elect more responsible leaders. Go figure.

The when, what, and why for each presidents need (or aversion) to getting drunk, stoned, and off is pretty much the thesis for this book. Some chapters take a biographical approach to examine the likes of Grover Clevelands reputation as a soused street fighter and Franklin Pierces alcoholic depression. Other chapters focus on zeitgeist and culture. (That includes times when they didnt partake. Herbert Hoover craved gin as much as the next man, but youd be damned to find any at his table setting during Prohibition.) Throughout the book, sidebars delve into topics such as the impacts of the beer and wine industries on the eighteenth-century working class and the evolution of health hazards. Cocktail recipes at the end of each chapter should (hopefully) give a sense of fleeting trends, as well as traditions, popularized in U.S. nightlife.

Two years ago, I set out to write a definitive guide to presidents and their vices because I thought that getting completely blasted is funny. And it is, especially when applied to men of importance who vomited on a horses mane (Grant) and were soaked with whiskey by a poker-playing monkey (Hardinga man of dubious importance). But my initial interest expanded from collecting fratty anecdotes to presenting these accomplished figures in a more relatable light. I became determined to find the humanity within the most inane subject matter: explicit love letters, slurred speeches, and nude swims at Bing Crosbys house, among other shameless moments.

But which president would you most want to have a beer with? More importantly, why do we care? Because maybe our leaders vices are just as telling as their accomplishments. After reading the chapter that depicts a hungover George W. Bush regrettably staring at himself in a bathroom mirror, my neighbor put it best: Presidents, theyre just like us. Just like us, as in, no matter ones IQ score or social status, were all idiots sometimes? Yes, I would say that is an accurate assessment. Whether thats a comforting or terrifying realization is entirely up to you.

Brian Abrams

New York City, 2014

P A R T Y K E Y

Heres your guide to the vices, which are noted at the beginning of each chapter. However, the extent to which each president indulgedwhether moderately, compulsively, or simply administering illegal substances to interns as if they were lab ratsshould be considered on a case-by-case basis.

Ale ale \l\

It was the joy of working-class America ever since the Framers breathed germs onto the Declaration of Independence. Beginning with hard cider, fermented brew was the countrys first successfully mass-produced alcoholic beverage, overwhelming the nation with pride and flatulence. Over time, the basic working recipe branched out to include lagers, pilsners, pale ales, stouts, and pumpkin-honey-mint holiday-flavored atrocities.

Amyl nitrite amyl nitrite \a-ml n-,trt\

Denizens of the mid- to late-twentieth centurys gay underworld might have more familiarity with the term poppers, a pressurized glass capsule (pearl) that, when snapped open beneath the nostrils, emits a pop and releases the chemical compound of amyl nitrite into the body, giving inflated senses of time and sexual prowess. Send samples to authors attention at Workman Publishing (address, inside front cover).

Champagne champagne \sham-pn\

Beer may forever hold the honorable title of Choice Beverage in Everymans public house, but drier varietals of bubbly from European regions have always stocked the cellars of upper-class families. An average bottle clocks a modest 12 to 14 percent alcohol, but rich people do not mind. The effervescent wine still packs enough potency to wreck ones head.

Cigar cigar \si-gr\

Fired up on mens golf courses and at basement poker tables, the flavorful rolled tobacco, popularly grown in the southern United States and Central American regions, continues to symbolize celebration and stature. It also acts as an apparent relaxant before or after meals. Some users prefer a quicker fix by the less distinguished habits of lighting a cigarette or dipping a pinch of finely ground tobacco in their lower lip. All are risks actively and joyfully taken, despite the inevitable cancer.

Cocaine cocaine \k-kn\

In the late 1500s, South American natives ingested coca and tobacco leaves to get a remarkably tingly, soothing buzz. This recreational habit later expanded across the Earthand would be administered via snorting; rubbing into the oral tissue; gargling a mixed, water-based solution; and, according to the mythology of Stevie Nicks, blown into the rectal cavity with a straw.