Grange Michael - Leafs abomination: the dismayed fans handbook to why the Leafs stink and how they can rise again

(In Honour of Canadas 22nd Prime Minister, a Toronto-born right winger and suspected Leafs fan who has long vowed to write a book about hockey, with apologies to Harpers Index)

Number of Stanley Cups won by Torontos NHL franchise since it became known as the Maple Leafs in 1927: 11

Number of Stanley Cups won by Torontos NHL franchise when they were known as the Arenas and the St. Patricks, when the league consisted of four teams: 2

Number of Stanley Cups won by Detroits NHL franchise since it became known as the Red Wings in 1932: 11

Number of Stanley Cups won by the Red Wings in the post-1967-expansion NHL: 4

Number of Stanley Cups won by the Montreal Canadiens: 24

Number of Stanley Cups won by the Canadiens post-expansion: 10

Number of Stanley Cups won by the Leafs post-expansion: 0

Number of times a Leaf won the Norris Trophy as the NHLs top defenceman since it was first awarded in 1954: 0

Number of times a Boston Bruin won the Norris Trophy: 13

Number of times a member of the other four Original Six teams won the Norris Trophy: 28

Number of times a Leaf finished runner-up in voting for the Norris Trophy: 6

Number of Leafs who have won a major NHL trophy since 1993, when Doug Gilmour won the Selke Trophy as top defensive forward and Pat Burns won the Adams Trophy as coach of the year: 0

Number of Leafs who won a major NHL trophy between Dave Keons capturing of the Conn Smythe as playoff MVP in 1967 and 1993: 0

Number of seasons in which a Leaf has scored 100-plus points since the franchises founding: 3

Number of 100-point scorers on the 1985-86 Edmonton Oilers: 4

Number of times a Leaf has finished among the NHLs top 10 scorers since 1967: 15

Number of times a member of the Boston Bruins has been among the top 10 in the same time period: 44

Number of times an NHL player has scored 50 or more goals in a season: 185

Number of times a Leaf has notched 50 or more in a season: 5

Number of times the Leaf who scored 50 was Rick Vaive: 3

Career NHL points by Jeff Ware, Torontos first-round pick (15th overall) in the 1995 entry draft: 1

Number of players selected by other teams after Ware who scored a minimum 200 NHL points: 13

Number of players selected by other teams after Ware who played a minimum 300 NHL games: 31

Number of combined NHL points scored by the nine players selected by the Leafs in the 1999 entry draft, none of which were scored by 24th-overall pick Luca Cereda: 1

Career NHL points scored by Brad Boyes, the most by a Leafs draft pick from 1999 to 2009: 245

Points scored by Boyes for the Leafs: 0

Average number of career NHL points scored by the 16 first-round draft picks of the Ottawa Senators from 1992 to 2006: 233

Number of consecutive seasons the Leafs have missed the playoffs, a franchise record: 4

Franchise record for consecutive seasons out of the playoffs by the Montreal Canadiens: 3

Number of general managers employed by each of the Detroit Red Wings and New Jersey Devils during the 14-season span from 1995 to 2009 in which the two clubs won a combined seven Stanley Cups: 1

Number of general managers employed by the Leafs over the same time period (counting Cliff Fletcher twice): 6

Number of times during the 2008-09 season the Leafs presented Stephen Harper with a No. 1 Toronto jersey in which he declined to be photographed: 1

Introduction

Listen, Im tired, and sick and (f***ing) tired about having (f***ing) people that wont come to the (f***ing) rink and you have to (f***king) ask people to get shook up and you have got to ask people to get moving around and you have to (f***ing) try to motivate people. I gotta figure that we gotta (f***ing) seriously, (god***n), consider what the (f**k) we got on this hockey club. And theyre not (f***ing) fooling nobody. And most of all, theyre not fooling anybody else in the (f***ing) league. They (f***ing) let a guy (f***ing) run Borje Salming at the end of the (f***ing) game and never do (f**k) all. Its a disgrace. Im sick and (f***ing) tired of making excuses on all these (f***ing) guys thats getting paid on this hockey club blaming somebody else all the (f***ing) time.

John Brophy, Leafs coach, 1988

I TS ONE OF THE SPORTING WORLDS seemingly eternal questions: How can it be that Torontos once-mighty National Hockey League franchise, staggering decrepitly towards its ninety-third birthday, hasnt won a Stanley Cup since the year it turned fifty? How is it that the Toronto Maple Leafs, with their iconic sweaters and their all-weather fan base and their bottomless coffers and their dynastic tradition, have been reduced to a punchline? How can it be, in an era in which bruised and bearded playoff warriors have been sip ping from the Cup in ice-averse places like North Carolina, Florida and California, that the team that plays in the self-proclaimed centre of the hockey universe just spent its fourth straight season experiencing the thrill of postseason hockey as spectators rather than combatantsthe longest playoff drought in the teams tempestuous history?

Grab a coffee. Sit back. There is plenty of blame to go around.

Blame the current majority owner, the Ontario Teachers Pension Plan, which amounts to a faceless pile of money representing the retirement savings of thousands of schoolteachers. Thanks in part to the bullet-proof return on investment supplied by the hapless hockeyists who miraculously turn losses into profits, Ontarios teachers will be spared the indignity of hawking their Dave Keon rookie cards in their golden years, although they may never see a Stanley Cup parade in Toronto. The pension plans unwelcome intrusion into the sporting realm, where it has treated a cherished public trust as though its just another widget factory, makes some Leaf fans long occasionally for even the days of the late Harold Ballard. The former owner may have run the team into the ground in 1970s and 80s, but at least he had the courtesy to get sick and die. Pension plans may not be as irascible or as mercurial as Ballard, but they tend to stick around.