Beattie - Stop being mean to yourself: a story about finding the true meaning of self-love

For my readers

Thank you for staying with me while Ive grown in my craft and in my life. As the Virginia Slims commercial says, Weve come a long way, baby.

For Nelle, who passed during the writing of this book

Nelle, you were a fortress of courage. You fought and won many a hard battle. Thanks for letting me travel for you while your illness confined you to your bed. Thanks for your time in my life.

My heart has become astir with a goodly matter. I am saying: My works are concerning a king. May my tongue be the stylus of a skilled copyist. You are indeed more handsome than the sons of men. Charm has been poured out upon your lips. That is why God has blessed you to time indefinite. Gird your sword upon your thigh, O mighty one, with your dignity and your splendor. And in your splendor go on to success; ride in the cause of truth and humility and righteousness, and your right hand will instruct you in fear-inspiring things.

Psalm 45:14,

NEW WORLD TRANSLATION

OF THE HOLY SCRIPTURES

I based this book in part on a trip I took through the Middle East in early 1996. It is about an initiation, a gateway I went through. It is about a gateway many of us are passing through as we approach and enter the millennium.

It could be labeled another self-help book, but it isnt a book of labels. We dont need any more. Weve got too many of them. Theyre too convenient. They let us talk without thinking. They let us give advice without compassion. They make criticism and judgment too easy in a world where criticism and judgment come easily enough. Its not a book about pointing a finger at anyone and saying, Youre doing it wrong.

This is a book about learning to be kinder. Its about learning to be kinder to the world and people around us, as much as possible. Most importantly, it is a book about learning the art of being kinder to ourselves. Its a book about learning to love ourselves at the deepest levels, at levels perhaps deeper than anyone has trained or encouraged us to love ourselves before. Its about examining the different ways we torture, punish, abuse, and torment ourselvesand in the process of uncovering that, perhaps discovering some of the ways we torment those we love. Stop Being Mean to Yourself is a book about learning the art of living and loving, and the art of learning to live joyfully in a world where many of us wonder if thats possible.

I wrote it for people struggling and tired of it, people who have tried everything they know to heal themselves and their lives and who still wonder, in the wee hours of the night, if they should talk to their doctor about going on Prozac. Its for people already on antidepressants. Its for people who wonder if they can trust what theyve learned, where theyve been, or where theyre going; people who have read all the books about the wonders of the upcoming millennium and still find themselves dealing with the reality of today; people who consistently quote the first paragraph from M. Scott Pecks book The Road Less Traveled where he says life is difficult because thats what they remember most. Its for people tired of jargon; people tired of working so hard on themselves only to find themselves staying essentially the same except for minor changes in circumstance and occasional revelations they would have had anyway; people who no longer believe the grass is greener on the other side, but even that thought doesnt console them because the idea that many people are miserable is perhaps even more frightening than the idea that theyve been singled out. Its for people who have studied past lives, been to psychics, attended all the workshops, regularly visited their therapists, and still dont get what its all about; people who know how to deal with their feelings and wonder if that overwhelming process will ever end; people who have given control of their lives, or a part of it, to others only to find themselves repeatedly disappointed when they discovered the people they turned to knew less than they did. Its for people who have glimpses that something revolutionary, spiritual, and transformational is going on, but arent quite sure what that is.

I wrote this book for young people, middle-aged people, baby boomers, and older people.

I wrote this book for myself.

In 1986 I wrote a book entitled Codependent No More. In some ways, Stop Being Mean to Yourself is a follow-up or completion book to that one, kind of a Codependent No More Some More. Its a spiritual warriors guide, a handbook for the millennium as we watch and wonder about events to come.

Come with me now to the land of Scheherazade, the fabled storyteller of the Arabian Nights. Let the messages you find in the pages that follow call to you on whatever level they will. I hopeno, I know, Inshaa Allahyou will be stirred, summoned to an adventure in your life the way I was by the mysterious, loving, enrapturing power of a crescent moon and star illuminating the sky one quiet Christmas night.

Melody

H urry, I told the taxi driver as we wound our way through the village of Giza.

He turned around to look at me. Hurry? he said, imitating the word with an Arabic accent. Obviously he didnt understand.

Yes, hurry. Fast, I said, making a quick, sweeping gesture with my hand.

Oh. He nodded in recognition. Quickly!

Yes, quickly.

It had been a strange experience, spending the last three weeks in countries where few people spoke English and my best French was a Bon soir, Pierre that sounded as if I was parroting a cheap learn-to-speak-French tape. I turned around for a final look at the pyramids. Lit for the night shows, they glowed mystically on the desert skyline. I sank down into the seat and closed my eyes. Now, my driver was dutifully hurrying. I couldnt look. Cairo is a city with sixteen million people crammed into an area that would house a quarter of a million people in the United States. Riding in a car there is comparable to driving the 405 freeway in Los Angeles with no marked lanes and no highway patrol officers with quotas.

Many events and situations no longer surprise us, but we still dont become used to them. Thats how I felt about the driving in the Middle East. It no longer surprised me, but I wasnt used to it. I felt relieved when we pulled into the parking lot at the Cairo Airport. I was a step closer to home. Just as I had felt convinced I was to come on this trip, despite the State Departments travel advisory warning against it, I was now equally convinced it was time to leave. I had felt almost panicky as I checked out of my hotel, then hailed a cab to the village of Giza to say good-bye to Essam before heading for the airport.

I had planned to stay here for several more weeks. I could tell Essam felt disappointed that I was leaving so soon. But he had respected my decision to leave, voicing no objections and asking only a few questions. Upon my arrival in Cairo, he had taught me the meaning of the Arabic phrase Inshaa Allah.

He explained it to me one evening when I told his sister and aunt good-bye and they said they felt saddened to see me leave.

Dont worry, I said. I will be back soon. I promise.

Dont say that, Essam corrected me. Never say I will do this. Instead say, I will do this Inshaa Allah.

What does that mean? I asked.

If God wills it, he said.

My time in the Middle East had been a dream vacationwell, more like a codependents dream vacation. But the same vortex that had propelled me here had taken me each place I needed to go to research this book. By now, researching the book had come to mean researching a part of me and my life that needed to heal. There were times it felt more like an initiation than research.