Colburn - The U.S. of Eh?

Lets just start with the obvious: Everybody loves Canadians.

Of course they do! Canadians are laid-back, funny, and cute; they enjoy drinking beer, apologizing, and playing hockey with their friends. Their accents are charming, subtle, and, come to think of it, kind of sexy (who doesnt like an elongated O?). Their dress favors cozy, low-profile plaids; they tend not to complain about freezing weather; and though theyve been known to eat moose and made a beaver their national mascot, they still somehow seem more enlightened than the rest of us. They exude a quiet confidence, and its not just that theyve successfully mastered the metric system. No, clearly, theres something else afoot.

Naturally youve heard people say things like, Canadians are so cool, or Those Canadians sure are doing things right. And most likely youve found yourself at a party where a friend leans over, almost spilling her Molsons, and excitedly says, I met someone newhes smart, funny, and best of all, hes Canadian! And be honest, how often do you find yourself thinking, Wow, I wish I was Canadian? Its OK. We all do it. We understand. And were here to let you in on a little secret that just might blow your world wide open:

You already are Canadian. You just dont know it.

No way, you might think, Im American! Well, yes and no. You may be technically American, according to your government-issued paperwork. But the truth (can you handle the truth?) is that your everyday life, in arguably the most powerful country in the world, is influenced, controlled, and subtly (yet benevolently) manipulatedday in and day ootby Canada.

Oh sure, Canada has cleverly cultivated its politely cooperative, self-effacing reputation as agreeable Canucks and even bumbling hosers while its people live quietly among us, all the while masterminding a total domination of the United States (and therefore the world) in true Canadian form. No flashy coups, no showing off. Instead, their work is done through the movies we watch, the songs we listen to, the jokes that make us laugh, the sports we play, the political analysts we trust, the household products we use. Yes, the industries and the economics that make America what it is are all quietly and efficiently controlled by that master puppeteer, Canada.

Why? Well, its genius. Canadians get to live in a quiet, clean, relaxed country where theyre envied, patted on the back, and generally thought of as adorablewhen all the while, they are a power broker by proxy. Theyre able to claim the good for themselves (international peacekeeping, affordable prescriptions, universal health care, tasty beer) and slough off the dregs to America (war, economic colonialism, pollution, Britney Spears). They get to watch millions of people do their bidding. And they get to launch their grand experiments and see the results from a comfortable perch up north. Did you really think that Canada was just hanging out up there, smoking weed and curling? As they say in Quebec, Au contraire, mes amis.

Still skeptical? Consider for a moment a typical American day at home. You get up, turn on the light, and make yourself some eggs Benedict . You pull up the zipper on your jacket to take the garbage bags to the curb, pick up the newspaper, and turn on the lawn sprinklers on your way back inside. You put your child in the Jolly Jumper so your hands are free to answer the telephone while you make the pablum. Later you grab a ginger ale and a chocolate bar and turn on the basketball game, while your family settles in to play some Yahtzee. Then sometime that evening, say while listening to Hot Hot Heat or Neil Young, tracking the hockey scores, checking your BlackBerry, and flipping between Kiefer Sutherland on 24 and a documentary on penguins on TV, it hits you.

Canada! you exclaim, upending your TV tray of frozen fish fillets, instant mashed potatoes, and Labatts . Good God, theyre behind everything!

Suddenly, it becomes crystal clear. The goalie mask is removed, as it were, and as if you had Superman s X-ray vision, everything is revealed. You look around and see Canada everywhere. You run back to the kitchen and pull out the package from that mornings meal. Bacon. CANADIAN bacon! You see that Canada is controlling every aspect of your day-to-day lifeand everyone elses in America, too. If youre not yet convinced, read on. In these pages you will see, as surely as William Shatner is the greatest entertainer of our time, that you are living not in the U.S. of A., but in the U.S. of Eh?