Bateman - Disalmanac: a book of fact-like facts

PART ONE

The Days of the Damn Year

W e have years pretty much every year, except leap years. Then, we just stay home and watch Game Show Network until it passes.

Remember all that stuff that happened last year? No? Well, its a good thing we here at Disalmanac wrote it all down for you. We recommend you memorize this entire list of news and events from last year, because most of it will be on the test.

JANUARY

The Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms, and Explosives reported that they, as always, had pretty much the greatest New Years Eve party ever.

In the Middle East... look, its just really complicated, OK?

Utah banned everything. Yes, that too.

The Dow was down over 200 points on fears that a poor person may have found a quarter on the sidewalk.

Biologists announced that they are close to understanding why birds are so angry with pigs.

Something happened in Ohio. J/K.

In Japanese elections, Mothra narrowly defeated Rodan to become the new prime minister.

In the 1990s, Japans economy crashed after Prime Minister Mecha-Godzilla blew out his timing belt.

Iowa held the first-in-the-nation caucus for the 2052 presidential election. The Democratic winner was Chelsea Clinton, while the GOP chose a now four-year-old grandson of Jeb Bush.

North Korea announced it had produced a nuclear device.

North Koreas nuclear device turned out to be an old 1970s microwave oven with some tin foil inside.

California legalized same-sex medical marijuana.

At WrestleMania in Detroit, a riot broke out when the crowd realized theyd wasted years of their lives on this fake-ass shit.

Scientists determined that the five people you meet in heaven are the J. Geils Band. Hope you like Centerfold; youll be hearing it a lot.

Clint Eastwood announced that hes still pretty steamed at that empty chair.

New Hampshire held its first-in-the-nation presidential primary for the year 5896. The winner on the GOP side was a super-intelligent sea squid, while the Democrats chose a giant robo-ant from the planet Xyrtron 5000.

Haters announced they would continue to hate for the foreseeable future.

Archaeologists discovered proof that there had once been life in Indiana.

The Federal Reserve cut rates. Or maybe they raised rates. Whatever. It had no effect on anything, anywhere.

Hey, the Iran guy got a new windbreaker!

House Republicans proposed a bill that invited House Democrats to eat their shorts.

A team of biologists discovered that during the 1980s, Duran Duran had only been as hungry as a badger.

The Supreme Court announced today that it had made a mistake in the 2000 case Bush v. Gorethey had meant to rule in favor of Neither.

41 percent of Americans said the country is on the wrong track, while 42 percent believe the nation is on the right track. Apparently, 83 percent of Americans think the nation is a train. Chugga chugga chooo-choo!

During his State of the Union speech, the President of the United States thanked Mr. Roboto for doing the jobs that nobody wants to.

Controversy erupted when the Miss America pageant was won by the 1980s band Mr. Mister.

The Pentagon announced today that tanks are cool and shit.

The unemployment rate fell from everybody to everybody but Steve.

The U.S. Senate was cranky and but so was put down for its nap.

Brains, zombies announced.

FEBRUARY

The United States sent several battleships and an aircraft carrier to France, just to mess with them.

The Kansas legislature passed a law making masturbation illegal, even if it would save the life of the mother.