Evans - The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?: a Woman Guide to Deciding Whether to Stay or Go

THE BASIC ASPECTS OF THIS book are significantly different from Ms. Evanss previous endeavors. Whereas her first book sought to define and describe the verbally abusive relationships between adults, this book delves deeper into the reasoning of both the perpetrator and the victim in relationships. It is part of her style to explain dynamics both from the womans point of view and the mans point of view, striking a balance and not blaming either party for their inherent or learned relationship behaviors. Abusers, although predominantly male, may in some instances be female, and they define the victims inner world as if they understand the victims motives and thoughts, and believe on some level that they are the victim. This process culminates in an assault on and a loss of self, mind, consciousness, and perception, rendering the victims convinced that they are to blame for the problems in their relationships, and causing them to feel intrinsically flawed and unworthy.

Ms. Evans cites potential indicators of a willingness to change in the abuser, which include reading, focused therapy, exercises, and anger management. Ms. Evans indicates most strongly that the only method for an abuser to change is if he can, and desires to. The impetus for this change takes the form of an agreement between the partners, presented by the victim.

Abusers, specifically verbal abusers, have discovered that anyone may impose their demands on another by becoming loud, insulting, dismissive, critical, threatening, or ultimately violent. In an effort to accommodate the abuser, the victim takes responsibility for the behaviors for which shes being blamed. Ultimately, a vicious cycle begins and the victim, if she attempts to seek help in the form of therapy, begins by blaming herself for all of the abuse perpetrated upon her. Since the children procreated in these relationships internalize the roles acted out by the fathers and mothers, the cycle of abuse is perpetuated.

From the standpoint of treatment, Ms. Evans states that the victim typically seeks help in an effort to either save or at least understand how she contributes to the dysfunction in the relationship. Whereas, typically, the psychotherapist attempts to empathize with the individual who enters therapy, this may become problematic when dealing with a verbally abusive relationship because then the victim becomes the identified patient, which invariably implies that the victim, and not the perpetrator, is responsible for the dysfunction in the relationship. Conversely, Ms. Evans recommends that either the perpetrator participate in individual therapy, or that both parties participate in the therapeutic process without accusation or attribution of blame. The benefit of individual therapy for the abuser is that it provides the opportunity to address unconscious, internalized childhood beliefs that the abuser may possess, culminating in the self-perpetuating prophesy that he must be correct in his judgment.

This book, in many respects, breaks away from the articulation of the marital problems and focuses more on the rudimentary aspects of the issues and formulates appropriate treatment modalities.

In the realm of what we currently experience in the family court system, there are numerous flaws and inconsistencies. The current family court system is fraught with subjective opinions, abuses of power, and injustice. Individuals like Patricia Evans, in a straightforward manner, face the adversity of a dysfunctional system. If we all focused as much attention on remediation as Patricia Evans does, perhaps the children of divorce would not have to suffer the forfeit of the peace.

William L. Higgins, Ph.D.

Clinical and Forensic Psychologist

730 Evaluator for the State of California

Reunification Specialist

Words mean nothing till you speak or pen them

Then they reveal the message in your heart

Words can bring joy and laughter

In song or prose

Words spoken and penned in poem

Can woo and romance grows

Yet innocent words uttered in anger and hate

Can cut like a knife and wound till it is too late