Brafman - Succeeding when youre supposed to fail: the 6 enduring principles of high achievement

Copyright 2011 by Brafman Psychology Inc.

All rights reserved.

Published in the United States by Crown Archetype, an imprint of the Crown Publishing Group, a division of Random House, Inc., New York.

www.crownpublishing.com

Crown Archetype with colophon is a trademark of Random House, Inc.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Brafman, Rom.
Succeeding when youre supposed to fail : the 6 enduring principles of high achievement / Rom Brafman.
1. Success. 2. Success in business. I. Title.
BF637.S8B67 2012 158dc23
2011023816

eISBN: 978-0-307-88770-2

Jacket design by Steve Attardo
Author photograph: Josyn Herce

v3.1

To Josyn, Ori, Tsilla, and Hagay

T heres something I find fascinating about other peoples professions. What is it really like to be a football coach? Or a paleontologist? Or a zookeeper? Luckily, in my work as a psychologist and an author, I get to learn about many of these worlds. A few months ago, I was talking with an emergency medical technician (they dont like to be called ambulance drivers) who shared with me his pet peeve: motorists who routinely cut him off. Just because my sirens and lights are not on, he explains with resigned frustration, doesnt mean I dont have a patient in the back.

Sometimes the insights I gain are more significant. After the financial markets collapse of 2008, I interviewed an investment banker who related his observations about the banking industry. What surprised him most was the degree to which popularity played a role in shaping investment decisions. Its just like high school, he lamented. If youre part of the in-crowd then your suggestions will be taken seriously, even if the facts and figures dont support them. And if youre not, any alarm bells you sound will get politely ignored. This type of high school culture, he believed, led to poor investment choices that helped to set the stage for the financial meltdown.

As much as I enjoy learning about other fields, though, my true passion is the discipline of psychology. The field is still relatively young; there are still many questions left unanswered about the way our mind works. But enough research has been conducted to give us meaningful insights into some of the ways our mind functions and why we behave the way we do. I believe that today we are on the cusp of learning more about ourselves than we ever knew before.

One of the most profound insights Ive learned from psychology is that there doesnt seem to be a limit to the power of the human spirit to bounce back from setbacks and adversity. As a therapist, Ive worked with individuals who have experienced incredible hardships but have still found a way to overcome them. Somehow they managed to persevere against the odds, altering the path that life seemed to have in store for them. This ability to be successful despite adversity is one of the most intriguing aspects about the human psyche. And up until recently psychologists knew very little about it.

The prevailing notion in the field used to be that few could realistically overcome their circumstances. And because psychologists focused so much of their attention on trying to understand pathology, they overlooked the most positive and inspiring accounts of individuals who overcame the odds and demonstrated surprising resilience.

The field changed course completely by accident. While conducting longitudinal studies, researchers came across large groups of individuals who appeared to defy the classical psychological dogma about the overbearing effects of adversity. And, as it turns out, people who overcome adversity are more common than psychologists thought. As the field broadened its horizons from pathology to areas of psychological growth, the study of success-despite-the-odds gained momentum.

In this book, I examine what happens during these times. Why is it that some people who face adversity come out stronger for it? When we look at individuals who succeeded even though they were not supposed to, how do they go about living their lives differently? What can we learn from them? Are there core qualities that can boost us past our own self-imposed limits? How do we stay strong when everything around us tries to pull us down?

Succeeding When Youre Supposed to Fail is an attempt to find answers to those questions.

L ocated along the banks of the Piscataquis River, just ninety miles south of the Canadian border, the sleepy town of Howland, Maine, has managed to keep much of its rural charm intact over the years. The most exciting news around town nowadays in Howland is a tourist spotting an occasional moose or bald eagle. But back in 1894 the town was ground zero of an intriguing mystery, one that defies our deepest assumptions about the resilience of the human spirit.

During the summer of that year, on a warm July day, Percy Spencer was born. There was nothing unusual or extraordinary about Percys birth or about his family. His father, Jasper Spencer, worked in Howlands sawmill. His mother, Myrtle, following the tradition of the times, stayed at home taking care of the household. Percys childhood was set to be quite normal, and so it was at first. But when he was just a toddler, tragedy struck at the sawmill. A rotating saw unexpectedly splintered, and the centripetal force sent shards flying in all directions. One of the pieces struck Percys father, who died almost instantly.

The news sent Percys mother into shock. The disaster proved too much for her to handle, and soon after the incident she fled the family home, never to return. Now orphaned, with no one to take care of him, young Percy was sent to live with his aunt and uncle.

Losing ones parents, especially at such a formative age, obviously has a lasting emotional impact. But fortunately for Percy, he had a roof over his head and family who loved him. He developed a special bond with his uncle, who became like a father to him. They both enjoyed tinkering with machinery. When Percy was just five, his uncle brought home a steam log hauleressentially a locomotive that did not require train tracksthat was in need of repair. The large machine had recently broken down in the heavy winter snow, and Percys uncle had been entrusted with its care. The mechanical wonder was like nothing Percy had ever seen before, and his excitement was palpable.

Percy also developed a love of nature and animals and spent much of his free time in the woods. On one occasion he spotted a cougarone of the last remaining in Maineup in a tree. But just as young Percy was acclimating to his new life, tragedy struck once more. When he was seven, his uncle died. The loss was a crushing blow to the family emotionally, but it also took a huge financial toll. Times were hard, and although Percy showed a penchant for learning, he was forced to drop out of school before completing the fifth grade to help support the family. The remainder of his childhood consisted of an adult regimen: wake up before dawn, put in a full day at the spool mill, and return home after sundown.

Put yourself, for a moment, in young Percys shoes. You have no memories of your biological parents. Your mother left you when you were an infant. Your uncle, who was like a father to you, died when you were in second grade. And armed with only a fifth-grade education, you now spend every workday performing manual labor. It wouldnt be surprising if your sense of trust in the world around you began to erode. Everyone who loves me either ends up dying or leaving, you might start to reason. You might even go as far as to blame yourself for the disasters that occurred: Why is this happening to me? Why did my mother abandon me? Is my life always going to be filled with hardships? Eventually, even a hardy soul can lose strength.