Lewis - Dumbest Blunders

First published in Australia in 2007 by
New Holland Publishers (Australia) Pty Ltd
Sydney Auckland London Cape Town
Reprinted in 2007.

www.newholland.com.au
1/66 Gibbes Street Chatswood NSW 2067 Australia
218 Lake Road Northcote Auckland New Zealand
86 Edgware Road London W2 2EA United Kingdom
80 McKenzie Street Cape Town 8001 South Africa

Copyright 2007 New Holland Publishers (Australia) Pty Ltd

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or other-wise, without the prior written permission of the publishers and copyright holders.

National Library of Australia Cataloguing-in-Publication Data:

ISBN 9781741105186
e-ISBN 9781921655067

Where do you start in a book about dumbest blunders? From ordinary folk to the most famous people on the planet, were all capable of stuffing up. Sports stars, film stars, entertainers, politicians, animal lovers and people with no great claim to fame are all here. They say the wrong thing, they do the wrong thing and they get caught! It could be at a wedding. It could be at a rock concert. It could be at work. Sometimes they are caught on camera, sometimes a friend sees them, sometimes a friendly police officer comes up, taps them on the shoulder and escorts them back to the station. Its funny how people embarrass and disgrace themselves. After all, when we laugh at them, were laughing at ourselves. That can only be a good thing, dont you think?

Sometimes things go awfully wrong even for the rich and famous

Famous people. Actors. You gotta love em. Actually, no you dont. They can be unreasonable, petulant and downright rude. Lets face it, theyre only human. They get into binds, make mistakes and do stupid thingsjust like the lesser mortals that inhabit this planet Earth. Whether its Sean Connery with his fly undone or Penelope Cruz with her psychological dependence on a false bottom, these anecdotes show you a side to fame and fortune that you havent seen before.

One day Rowan Atkinson, famed for his portrayal of the hapless Mr Bean, went out for some takeaway food in London. As he waited to place his order, news filtered through that Mr Bean was in line. Eventually he placed his order and reached into his pocket to pay. Soon everyone was having a good laugh: hed forgotten his wallet.

Before he turned to acting, Hugh Grant did some work as a tutor. One particular girl got on his nerves. She seemed strangely reluctant to answer any of his questions. He lost patience with her, only to discover that she was deaf in one ear and could not hear him. Ooops.

A l4-year-old girl went to a screen test but it was a disaster. She was too tall, too big-boned, too heavy and her face was all wrong: mouth too wide and nose too long. Basically impossible to photograph. So the producer dismissed the poor girl, telling her to lose weight and get her nose fixed. Boy, did he make a big error of judgement! She was defiant, saying she wouldnt change anything. She eventually had an affair with him, married, became a movie star and ended up instantly recognisable as one of the most beautiful women in the world. He was Carlo Ponti she was Sophia Loren.

Early in her career Sarah Wynter auditioned for a host of saucy roles. To up the tramp factor, she often augmented her chest with contraptions she later described as resembling chicken cutlets. Once, unnoticed by her, the cutlet slipped and she spent the audition with a nipple protruding from her belly.

Handy hint for women with silicone breasts: dont stand outside in the cold. Frances McDormand wore fake breasts when she was filming Fargo, where she played a pregnant policewoman. Unfortunately, the weather was so cold that one of the breasts froze and exploded!

Jane Seymour stopped breastfeeding early to do a screen test for The Thorn Birds. She had to do a love scene with Richard Chamberlain. Her milk suddenly came in and instead of a steamy 1930s affair, it ended up more like a wet T-shirt competition. Chamberlain wore a big puddle of milk all over his bare chest. It is alleged that he was not terribly amused.

At a preview of Withnail And I, to test audience reaction to the newly completed film, a small group gathered in Londons West End but the evening didnt go well.

The audience didnt respond. No laughter. Even when the outrageous Uncle Monty arrived, the audience didnt so much as giggle. The film-makers were wringing their hands in despair until they realised what had happened. The gormless twit entrusted with organising the evening had recruited the audience from a bunch of non-English-speaking tourists staying at a nearby hostel.

Penelope Cruz has followed in the great Hollywood tradition of wearing ugly prosthetic devices to make the public believe that you really must be a fab actress. Our Nic did it in The Hours. Charlize did it in Monster. Now Pen has done it for Almodova, the Spanish director. In her latest film, she wears wait for ita prosthetic bottom. As Almodovar says: once you have the physical part, you can work on the spiritual part. Precisely.

However, Cruz has revealed that she suffered emotional and psychological problems associated with her faux derriere. Apparently, she became so attached to her big bum that she didnt want to take it off. There was an emotional attachment, she explains, I was a disaster for two months. I was unbearable. If you want empathy, Penelope, there arent many people who can relate to your experience

Bruce Willis once went to an upmarket dinner in honour of the basketball star, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. During dessert, Willis felt a bit drowsy and plonked face first, right into his ice-cream.

Remember the scary bits of Jaws? They were thanks to a giant mechanical shark nicknamed Bruce, which was the films main prop. One day during production, Steven Spielberg invited some of his fellow directors to the set to check it out, including Martin Scorsese and George Lucas. With great pride, Spielberg took hold of the controls and demonstrated Bruces menacing mouth opening wide. George Lucas poked his head inside, Spielberg jokingly shut the jaws and couldnt open them again.

An American film-maker has put up over $US3 million ($3.5 million) reward for anyone who finds Elvis Presley alive. He has interviewed countless fans and up to 175 people who either knew Elvis or had insight into his music. He reckons about 75 per cent of those interviewed definitely think hes dead. Which means 25 per cent think hes alive. Well, if they find him, hell be an old codger by now. All together now:

We cant go on together
With suspicious minds
And we cant build our dreams
On suspicious minds.
So, if an old friend I know
Drops by to say hello

As a 17-year-old art school student, Tim Roth decided for a bit of a joke to audition for a role in a musical version of Dracula. Much to his amazement, he was cast as The Count himself! On opening night, he was so nervous that he walked onstage and wet himself.

When youre in the Ladies, you dont expect film and television bigshots to be standing outside hammering on your door. Even if you are a well-known actress. Thats what happened to Renee Zellweger when she won Best Actress in a Musical at the 2001 Golden Globes. Luckily, Hugh Grant was presenting the awards, and hes an expert ad-libber.