Tamar Myers - Statue of Limitations: A Den of Antiquity Mystery

Can I help you? I asked the man on the 11

1 4 My petite patootie connected with the nearest chair while I 149

15 Harriet did not answer the door when I rang, and the 161

16 For what its worth, the tourist from the Big Apple 169

17 I am no prude, but Belinda Thomass outfit was way 179

18 John and Belinda exchanged glances. Of course she is, he... 195

19 I cant blame Greg for pressing the pedal to the 207

Ed Crawford was either dead or in a coma. In 225

Say what? I snatched back the photo. Nothing had changed.

239 Abby, at least wait until I get there. 331

There were two of them and a gun, versus me 341

Heres to our Abby, Mama said, raising her tea glass

t is no secret that I am an S.O.B. I love living South of Broad, in the historic district of Charleston, South Carolina. Mine is one of the most coveted addresses in the nation, and it is ru mored that God Himself lives herealthough I have yet to run into Him on my daily walks. I have, however, met several people who think they fit the bill.

My best friend, Wynnell Crawford, is not as lucky. Shes merely a W.O.T.A.West of the Ashley. The Ashley, of course, is one of Charlestons two principal rivers. The other important river is the Cooper. They meet at Charlestons famous Battery, where together they form the Atlantic Ocean. Please dont misunderstand me. There is nothing wrong with living west of the Ashley, but unless one lives on an honest-to-goodness plantation, being a W.O.T.A. is just not as good as being an S.O.B.

But in Charleston even geography takes second place to genetics. The really old families have blood

lines as tangled as the roots of an azalea in need of repotting. Through the bluest veins courses blood that has been recycling for over three hundred years. The redder the hemoglobin, the shorter the time the family has been in residence.

A growing number of folks are so inconsiderate that they werent even born in Charleston County. These unfortunates occupy the bottom rung of the social ladder and are referred to as being from off. The term has variously been inter preted to meaning from off the peninsula or from off someplace far away. It doesnt really matter. If one is from off, there is simply no getting on.

Although one can always hope. Does not hope spring eternal? Even in the smallest of breasts? And anyway, I had just come from lunch at Chopsticks Chinese restaurant on King Street, where Id received a wonderful fortune in my cookie: Big things are coming your way. I immediately thought of my husband, Greg, but when the phone rang at my shop a half hour later, minutes before closing time, and I heard the dulcet tones of one of the citys homegrown S.O.B.s, my tiny heart began to pound.

Yes, this is Abigail Timberlake, I said.

Mrs. Timberlake, I was in your antique store the other day, and I must say, I really admire your taste.

Thank you. I was so grateful for the compliment, I didnt even consider correcting her. Ms. Timberlake is my business name. My married name is Mrs. Washburn.

And how clever of you to call it the Den of Antiquity. However did you think that one up? She didnt wait for an answer. Mrs. Timberlake, I was wondering if you did more than just sell your antiques.

Again I thought of Greg. Uhwell, what did you have in mind?

Fisher and I have a little project were working on. A bed and breakfast is what Id guess youd call it. Anyway, I was wondering if youd been interested in decorating for us.

Would I? Would Bill Clinton like an invitation to a sorority sleepover? I tried to play it cool.

Where is this bed and breakfast, Miss, uh

Webbfingers. Im Marina, and Fisher is my husband.

Im sorry, Marina, but Im not sure where Webbfingers is.

I heard the soft, muffled laugh of gentility. Darling, Webbfingers is our name, not our address. We live at double 0 Legare.

Of course she pronounced the street Legare to rhyme with Brie. Only rubes, or recently arrived yokels from off, pronounce the word as it is spelled. But double 0? Oh, why not! This is Charleston, after all, where many addresses begin with 0, and sometimes it seems as if there are more half than whole numbers.

Double 0 Legare, I said, and jotted the address down on a notepad on my desk. As if I would forget. I could barely control my excitement. It was all I could do to keep from hanging up, calling the Post and Courier, and taking out a full page ad saying that I, little old Abigail from the Upstate, was now officially a decorator to one of Charlestons finest.

If its convenient for you, she purred, I thought you might stop by this evening, and Ill show you around. Let you get a feel for the place.

What time?

Say seven. Fisher and I have theater tickets, but we dont need to leave until almost eight.

Ill be there with bells on, I said, and then immediately regretted both my excessive enthusiasm and my choice of words. A strap of sleigh bells hangs from a nail on the back of the door, and the bells had begun to jingle as if Santa himself was driving the sleigh.

My, you are a clever woman, Marina said, but this time she didnt mean it as a compliment.

A customer just walked in, I said. The door does that.

Yes, of course. See you this evening, then. She hung up first, a not so subtle reminder that she was a real S.O.B. and I merely a Johnny-come-lately.

I glared at the woman whod just walked in the door. She wasnt a customer, but my buddy, Wynnell. What are best friends for, if not to occasionally serve as whipping boys? And anyway, the woman has only one eyebrow, a tangled hedge of black and gray. I point that out to illustrate that not only is she oblivious to expressions, shes oblivious to faces. My glare meant nothing to her.