Maher - Does anybody have a problem with that?: Politically incorrects greatest hits

Praise for Bill Maher and
DOES ANYBODY HAVE
A PROBLEM WITH THAT?

Pure, unadulterated Bill Maher.

Elle

Bill Maher is just as politically incorrect as I amexcept hes smarter and funnier.

James Carville

Funny, provocative.

Indianapolis News

Biting wit Mahers sharp-edged monologues are very witty.

BookPage

Bill Maher makes me feel like Leo Buscaglia.

Dennis Miller

By Bill Maher

TRUE STORY: A Comedy Novel

DOES ANYBODY HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT?
Politically Incorrects Greatest Hits

A Ballantine Book
Published by The Random House Publishing Group

Copyright 1996, 1997 by Kid Love, Inc.

All rights reserved.

Published in the United States by Ballantine Books, an imprint of The Random House Publishing Group, a division of Random House, Inc., New York, and simultaneously in Canada by Random House of Canada Limited, Toronto.

Portions of this book are reproduced by the kind permission of Comedy Central.

Photos courtesy of: Craig Blankenhorn/Comedy Central ().

Ballantine and colophon are registered trademarks of Random House, Inc.

www.ballantinebooks.com

Library of Congress Catalog Card Number: 97-92941

eISBN: 978-0-307-77536-8

This edition published by arrangement with Villard Books, a division of Random House, Inc. Villard Books is a registered trademark of Random House, Inc.

v3.1

Most of the material in this book was TelePrompTer ready, which means people slaved over the words until they were ready to be actually written out as prose for the prompter (this was in the days of the show when I used to read the questions).

This written material was prepared by the Politically Incorrect writing staff, which I proudly count myself among, but I would like to also acknowledge my appreciation to the following folks for not only turning out great stuff for the show, but making me laugh, too: Scott Carter, Christoper Case Erbland, Chris Kelly, Hayes Jackson, Eric Weinberg, John Hotchkiss, and Tim Long.

Ever since Politically Incorrect went on the air, people have been asking me what the phrase means, and where it puts me politically. The simple answer is that it sounded like a good title, and Murder, She Wrote was already taken. The slightly more complicated answer is that the name struck me as a convenient shorthand for my particular take on the world. To me, the notion of politically incorrect is neither liberal nor conservative, but an attitude of disgust toward unthinking, dogmatic politics of every stripe.

I thought when the show began that what I considered political correctness would shrink as a target, because people were coming to their senses. So many people came up to me, and still do, to say, You know, Im politically incorrect, too. It made me feel good, and still does, that were on the same wavelength. It also worried me, because as a comedian targeting political correctness, its demise would mean less grist for my mill.

I should not have worried. My mill has plenty of grist. Political correctness has not gone away. In fact, the hypersensitivity to anything that could possibly offend anyone anywhere has gotten worse. Like voters who say they want to balance the budget but are unwilling to take anything away from their favorite government programs, there are people who say theyre politically incorrect and want raw truth and edgy humor, but not about their point of sensitivityeverythings funny except bulimia, or everythings funny except sexual harassment, or everythings funny except drug abuse.

But hey, everybodys got something. If I took out of this book all the jokes that could offend somebody, it would be a thin book indeed.

We have gone from a hard-skinned pioneering nation to a very delicate flower, one that is so easily bruised. And always having to play around something that fragile is getting to be, for most of us, a huge bore.

Ironically, as we packed up our little cable show to move it to ABC last winter, the question most asked by our fans was: Will the show change when it goes to network? My response was always the same: No, the show wont change at all. Except for the cooking segment which wasnt my idea but that of my new cohost Kathie Lee. (Just kidding.)

Actually, I think our fans can tell that since our debut on January 6 we havent pulled any punches on ABC. And Im sure theyll let us know if we ever do.

Bill Maher

SAT scores are plummeting, college graduates cant read, and Americans are paying good money for bell-bottoms again. Lets face it, there is an education crisis in this country. In a math and science test among students from fifteen countries last year, the United States came in fourteenth. Slovenia, which has been a country since Tuesday, kicked our ass, and, sadly, literacy scores are no better. Reading, which gave us Shakespeare and Dostoyevsky, is being replaced by a visual culture that so far has made me so sick of seeing Madonna naked that I might as well be married to her. The question is, are people getting stupider, or is it just an impression I have from every second of every day?

Is the average person stupider today than he was a generation ago? Or do you just run into more stupid people because fewer stupid people are getting eaten by bears?

Bill

In America, we often hear the phrase the best and the brightest, as if we in any remote way consider them to be the same thing. In reality, we always appreciate a president, like Reagan or Bush, who leaves the country a little stupider than he found it, and we never fail to swoon for a smear campaign that labels some poor bastard an egghead, although to be fair, Dwight Eisenhowers I Like Ike was just a catchier slogan than Adlai Stevensons Smarty Pants for President. Its not that other countries have any more or less intellectuals than we do, its just that in other places they seem to be admired instead of despised. After America has broken down so many prejudices based on race, sexism, and religion, isnt our bias against brains still the most dangerous of all?

If you dont believe that America is anti-intellectual, then why is it that on Gilligans Island the character who had the worst billing was the Professor?

Bill

What with the Miss America pageant just around the corner in September, we thought it appropriate to head off now any of the usual protests that in recent years routinely accompany any beauty pageantprotests that say its sexist to judge women only on their looks. Hey, the problem with these pageants is that they dont just judge the looksthey throw in a lot of crap about having a talent and answering essay questionsand that Americas too sexually repressed, and radical feminists too scary, for us to admit theres nothing wrong with the flagrant flaunting of beauty for beautys sake. Every category in that pageant should be about beauty: best legs, best smile, best chest of anyone not on