Murphy - Clevelands catalog of cool: an irreverent guide to the land

Dedicated to Tina Musgrave, mother of a high school friend, Doug Musgrave. While trying to track down Doug for my return trip to Cleveland, I came across his mothers obituary. Until then, I had no idea Tina Musgrave had been a Cleveland tour guide. The piece claimed she was noted for her detailed and fascinating tours of Millionaires Row and a guide for Lakeview Cemetery, and a volunteer guide for the Cleveland Convention Center. She was also a contributing writer for the Encyclopedia of Cleveland History. Id always known her as just Dougs mom and sister of Cleveland Browns and Detroit Lions linebacker Mike Lucci. With my new knowledge, she seems like the Cleveland version of my New Orleans persona and the appropriate person to whom to dedicate this book.

Why, oh why, oh why-oh. Why did I ever leave Ohio?

Betty Comden and Adolph Green lyrics from Wonderful Town

I LEFT CLEVELAND FOR GOOD on January 23, 1978, to move to New York City. For me, it was a red letter day. I had grown up in the temperate suburbs, moving from Shaker Heights to Pepper Pike. As a high schooler, I and many classmates were desperate to get away from all the white picket fenced yards, the ice cream shop over the Chagrin waterfall, and the gazebo in the town square where the band played on the Fourth of July. For a sixteen-year-old, it was absolutely stifling Americana. Filmmaker Jim Jarmusch, from neighboring Cuyahoga Falls, said, Growing up in Ohio was just planning to get out. Looking back as an adult, I can now see the charm. In fact, writing this book and learning about the Dyngus Days, visiting the Museum of Sacred Statues, and tasting a Slymans corned beef sandwich for the first time, I have almost fallen in love with Cleveland all over again. But, I am NOT coming back to those winters.

Back in high school, the further you got away after graduation, the cooler you were. Ray Kutash went to Colorado and was cool. Jeff Terhune left the country and moved to Alberta, Canada. He was cooler.

High-school-aged kids now scare me a little bit. I remember all that new testosterone coursing through my veins resulting in a rage where I just wanted to break things. My gang of Mouse Gordon, Smokey Nagel, Genius George, Crazy Legs Carlson, Lil Rich Ward, and No No Novak used to top off the burning fire inside by blowing up mailboxes with cherry bombs and M-80s. Our record was twenty-eight mailboxes in one night. There was one mailbox in front of Marc Silbermans house that was impervious to our firecrackers. Rather than cheap metal, it was built of thick wood and looked like a colonial house for hamsters. Not to be beaten, we eventually sawed that mailbox down and lit it on fire. And we were the good kids. I was captain of the football team, Mouse was captain of the cross country team, Genius captain of the track team. My gang went on to respectable colleges like Lehigh and Wesleyan. Marc Silberman went on years later to be the Mayor. I hope theres a statute of limitations on blowing up or burning down mailboxes.

Cleveland is a city where the river was so polluted it caught on fire (repeatedly) as did Mayor Ralph Perks hair. Some of its greatest sports moments include The Drive, The Fumble, The Decision, and they are all heartbreaking. For nicknames, rather than the Big Easy or the Crescent City, Cleveland has been called The Mistake on the Lake and, failed attempt at self promotion, The Plum.

There is an unwritten but universally recognized rule that nicknames are bestowed upon you by others. You cannot give yourself a nickname. Mouse, Crazy Legs, No No, and Smokey all understood this. Smokey got his nickname the night of a party when he snuck full cans of Coca Cola into a bonfire. When one exploded, we all laughed uproariously at Smokeys blackened face. It looked like something out of the Little Rascals or Three Stooges. And then we rushed him to the hospital.

Smokey tagged me with my high school nickname, Huncher. I used to have to lift weights practically every day in order to maintain a two-hundred-pound football-playing weight. Otherwise Id drift down to 175. I miss those days. Now I gain two pounds just looking at a fully dressed po-boy. When I was exhausted during workouts, Id grab the front of my sweat soaked T-shirt with both hands and sort of hunch over. I never liked the nickname Huncher, but it beat my previous and unimaginative nickname, Murf.

Writing about Cleveland, I will at times be as merciless as I was writing about Port of Call, a burger joint in New Orleans that smells like disinfectant, or the Bone Lady, a psychic who credits her abilities by pointing out she foresaw the winner of the Super Bowl held in New Orleans. As I wrote in Fear That, that must make ESPN a psychic vortex, because Tom Jackson and Mike Golic, both from Cleveland, as well as many others at the network made the same prediction.

From age two until after college, I was a Clevelander. I was born in Detroit, not that Im bragging. This means I can make fun of Cleveland the same way you can make fun of your moms cooking and your buck-toothed brother, but outsiders cannot. Olivia Nuzzi, a political writer for the Daily Beast, Politico, and New York magazine, made fun of Cleveland as a Jersey girl. The online world of tweets rained down on her, hurling insults like sewer rat. I hope not to face the same reactions.

Comedian Mike Polk, Jr., has made a career poking fun at Cleveland, but as one who actually lives in Cleveland. If Mike was in Los Angeles or New York, you might have even heard of him. In Cleveland, he was a struggling local comedian until his two Hastily-made Cleveland Tourism videos posted on YouTube and went viral. Now he is a struggling comedian with two viral YouTube videos.

Of his videos, he writes, The Cleveland Tourism Board gave me 14 million dollars about 8 months ago to make a promotional video to bring people to Cleveland. As usual, I waited till the last minute and I ended up having to shoot and edit it in about an hour yesterday afternoon. I probably should have invested more time. The two videos celebrate both of our buildings and [that] the sun comes out almost three times a year. The Hastily Made Cleveland Tourism Video: 2nd Attempt closes with Mikes words, It could be worse. At least were not Detroit. [pause] Were not Detroit!

His success did allow him to move from Lakewood to a tonier community in Cleveland. Yes, there are tonier communities in Cleveland. On one of the first nights in the new neighborhood, a brick was thrown through his windshield and his GPS was stolen. Mike rants that its frustrating how accurately I probably helped the thieves get away.

It is my hope that through the inspiration of this book, someday you actually visit Cleveland, or youll make the most of it when the Hopkins Airport is shut down during a winter storm and you end up stuck in Cleveland. If youve done Disney World to death, and if youve been to the Statue of Liberty and the Hollywood Walk of Fame, isnt it time to turn away from tourist traps for some real adventures in... Cleveland? As said by author Kurt Vonnegut, Bizarre travel plans are dancing lessons from God.

Ready to dance?

GHOULARDI

Before writing anything else about LeBron James, or the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame, or the burning Cuyahoga River, I feel compelled to write about the man I consider the most quintessential of all Clevelanders of all time. He will be a recurring thread throughout this book.