Reynolds - Effin birds: a field guide to identification

Acknowledgements

This book would not have been possible without the following people.

Nolan, Oliver, Theo, and Vanessa: thank you for putting up with all of the terrible ideas that led to this good one. Vanessa, Im sorry about the three-foot print that says EAT FARTS on Nolans wall. Nolan, I hope you like your print.

Carrie from the Audubon Society: your email changed everything.

Beth from Unbound: thank you for pushing me to do this.

Thomas Bewick: you are at the same time a great artist and also the grumpiest motherfucker who ever wrote a book about birds. You are an inspiration.

An extra-special thank you to the 1,600 Legendary Bird Friends whose support made this book possible.

A Note on the Author

Matt Provencal

Aaron Reynolds is a humorist, professional speaker, and the man behind the @EffinBirds and @swear_trek Twitter accounts. When hes not on Twitter, you can find him producing a series of podcasts and at Comic-Cons dressed as George Lucas. He has been a baseball writer, a fine art printer, and a mall Santa Claus photographer. Aaron was raised in Mississauga, Canada, a suburb where they cut down all the trees and named the streets after them. He currently splits his time between Toronto and Ottawa.

Part One

LAND BIRDS

Contrary to popular belief, land birds are not flightless birdsthey are birds that you dont generally find hanging out on the lake. As such, they have a contrasting set of complaints: where a water bird is likely to advise a vacationer on a boogie board to fuck off back to the city, a land bird would more frequently tell a cable repair person to fuck off out of their treetwo completely different sentiments.

DIRT CHICKEN

Low to the ground and generally silent, the dirt chicken kicks up a ruckus when stepped on or tripped over.

habitat : Underfoot.

identifying characteristics : An inability to share blame; repeated behaviours that lead to the same undesired results.

PEEVISH RINGNECK

This is a bird that has heard one too many stories and has other shit to get done.

habitat : Always on the go between places.

identifying characteristics : Rolling eyes and a lot of passive-aggressive sighing noises.

LIGHT-BELLIED DEFEATIST

This birds frustrated cry is so compelling that the National Society of Pessimists put the light-bellied defeatist on their coat of arms.

habitat : Wherever it has nested, it is not good enough.

identifying characteristics : Furrowed brow, high blood pressure.

CAPITULATION FINCH

When the world is too much to handle, the capitulation finch has a nap.

habitat : In bed, on the couch, lying on the floor between the bed and the couch.

identifying characteristics : Sweatpants.

INCOMPUNCTIOUS OWL

This owls large size and dominating personality allow it to do basically anything it wants.

habitat: Wherever it wants to go.

identifying characteristics: An alarming lack of empathy.

KINGSFIELDS VULTURE

No animal has ever prevailed in a confrontation with a kingsfields vulture.

habitat : Educational institutions, usually the kind with gargoyles.

identifying characteristics : A steely, emotionless gaze while you attempt to explain why youre handing in this paper so late.

WEARY JACKDAW

A small, vocal bird with an overdeveloped outrage muscle.

habitat : Twitter, Facebook, whatever is next.

identifying characteristics : Despite being horrified and mentally spent, the weary jackdaw is unable to stop browsing social media.

FUZZY CHATTERER

You finally got on a roll at the office: youre being productive, youre pleased with your work, and youre feeling good about your contribution to the team. Then, like an Eeyore-shaped cloud, the fuzzy chatterer arrives.

habitat : Some dark corner of your workplace.

identifying characteristics : A sense of imminent doom that the chatterer passes along like the common cold.

ONEROUS OSPREY

The most ironic aspect of the onerous osprey is the high regard it holds for itself while denigrating others for the high regard they hold for themselves. Naturally, this irony is lost on them.

habitat : Commonly found in the eight items or less line at the supermarket with sixteen items, complaining about the person in front of them with nine items.

identifying characteristics : Slightly downy feathers, an unyielding gaze, and a completely incomprehensible value system.