Table of Contents
Thanks: Carol, Heidi, Road Manager Ward,
Mitch Bury of Adams Mass.
JOE COLE 04.10.61 - 12.19.91
How It Starts
10-27-06 LA CA: 2150 hrs. I have been off the road for several weeks. Besides a brief trip to Europe and Washington DC two weeks ago, I have been here in Los Angeles. I have been going to sleep early and waking up early. Its left over jet lag from the trip to France and I have kept it up so I am more effective at the office.
I go to the office every day and throw myself into whatever the task is as intently as I can so I can stay distracted from my thoughts. I come back here to the house and do the same thing until I am too tired to keep my eyes open.
It has been very difficult for me to adjust to the post-tour environment. I trained for the last band tour for four months straight and then toured for a solid month and then came back here to stillness and quiet. This is nothing new, this is always the situation. When I am on tour, I am living in a high-stress and result-oriented performance environment. I go from that to this without any half measure. Its always difficult but sometimes the transition is more trying than other times.
With no stage to be on, no obligation, no need for strictness and focus, I become depressed and unable to keep my self-contempt at a distance. There is no sense of duty here. Its Los Angeles, a place where adult men dress the same as twenty-somethings and dye their hair to look young. Its a filthy place full of violent, dangerous and vapid people. It has its share of good people, of course, but its Los Angeles. Its very hard for me to be here after being out on the road.
The only thing that seems to keep me together, besides working out, is staying on my own as much as I can. When I am alone, its a relief. Theres no one here I want to spend time with or know more than I do already. The workouts are hard to draw inspiration from because they are without purpose. It is nothing more than maintenance.
I go to sleep depressed. I wake up early in the pre-dawn darkness feeling depressed and violent. I have been working on the notes for my radio show a bit too much. Its all I have at the moment so I overwork on them. I dont know what else to do with myself. I have been doing so many push ups I am starting to get the same pain in my right shoulder that I got nine years ago.
I have been wondering what the hell I will do next. The show I do on IFC will take up some time, writing the parts and researching guests and topics. The aggravation I go through with the producers of the show will take up some time too, as it always does. At this point, I cant see how we will be able to work with each other again after this season, I believe its mutual. Two of the three are ok, its just the one of them who wears me out. Hes not a bad person, we just dont get along all that well. At the end of the day we get the work done and thats all that matters.
I need something to work towards, if I dont have that, its very difficult to get through the days. As the last few weeks have passed, I have been getting more and more depressed and more and more angry. I have been reading as much as I can. I am stupid and working on getting some more knowledge. I have taken to reading while standing up as the books I have been reading are above my level and actually put me to sleep a few pages in. I started punching myself in the arm at one point because I was getting so mad at myself for shutting down. I know what it is, its the truth of my below average intellect hitting its limits and crashing. I write things down as often as I can and read them over and over: JDAM is Joint Direct Attack Munitions, FISA is the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act. This is the stuff I want to know so I drill it into my head until it sticks.
Things started to look up the other day and I am starting to see the shape of what could be something worth living for. Management told me that some shows I had wanted to do had come through as well as some film work that I had been waiting to hear back about. For the last two days I have been looking at schedules and trying to figure out how to take it all and shape it into a mountain to climb. Basically, I am like Captain Willard in Saigon. I need a mission or there is nothing for me. I dont miss anyone living. I dont want to go out on a fucking date with a female. I dont want the phone to ring. I dont want to know any more people than I already do and dont want to know any of them more than I know them now. I want days and nights that are hard to get through, where I will have to utilize all I know and have to force myself to be brave and reach for it. If I dont have that, then I am lazy and good for absolutely nothing. This may sound extreme or completely off the course but thats how it is for me. Im tired of the bullshit. Im not talking about anyone elses, just mine.
So, it looks like there might be some travel and some odd jobs coming up. I am starting to see the shape of the mountain.
For the last several days I have been thinking constantly about the Plain of Jars in Laos. I saw some shots of the area in a documentary recently and since then the place has been on my mind. Just the three words together sound at once surreal and primitive. This morning it occurred to me that I am going to Laos and am going to the Plain of Jars and so I better start learning about Laos and figuring out when I am going. Today, when I wasnt doing other things, I went online and dragged off a lot of pictures and information on Laos and the Plain of Jars. Over the weekend I am going to start learning what I can. 2231 hrs.
10-28-06 LA CA: 1639 hrs. I spent the day at the office working on the radio show and learning things online. Im back home now and have fed myself and will workout in a couple of hours.
I was thinking this morning about a few things I saw on the news in the build up to the mid-term elections. Its easy to waste time on non-issues like the flap with Michael J. Foxs PSA on Parkinsons and Stem Cell Research getting mocked by conservative talk radio personality Rush Limbaugh, who also accused Fox of acting more symptomatic than he really is. Understandably, many people were offended. I hesitate to use the word understandably in that last sentence, to be offended by Rush Limbaugh is to take the guy way too seriously. What would anyone expect from him, hearts and flowers, a hug? The angry response to the things he says is like when the audience boos and hisses at the villain professional wrestler when he enters the ring. Even Katie Couric couldnt help digging into Fox when she interviewed him recently. These people seem to forget how they held up Terri Schiavo as a political ploy to advance their agenda. Thats how it is. Thats how the game is played. The left and right both demonize and attempt to paint the other side into a corner. Im not saying they are the same, I know where my vote is going, too much attention is paid to the Rush Limbaughs and Ann Coulters of the airwaves. Recently, I had some layover time at an airport so I went to a store near my gate and read several pages of Bill OReillys new book Culture Warrior . Its an easy read, theres not many words on the page, the type is big, and in the pages I read there was nothing of any great import. The only thing thats troubling to me is that its a bestselling title. Anyone who buys the book and reads it cant really consider themselves a reader just as anyone walking out of a McDonalds cant say theyve had a meal. The same may be said of any of my books but none of mine are bestsellers. Perhaps thats a good thing.
