Sedaris - Calypso

Copyright 2018 by David Sedaris
Cover design by Peter Mendelsund
Cover copyright 2018 by Hachette Book Group, Inc.

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First ebook edition: May 2018

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Acknowledgment is made to the following, in which the stories in this collection first appeared, some differently titled or in slightly different form: The New Yorker: Company Man, Now We Are Five, Stepping Out, The Perfect Fit, Leviathan, A Modest Proposal, Untamed, Why Arent You Laughing?; The Guardian: Calypso, The One(s) Who Got Away; The Paris Review: A Number of Reasons Ive Been Depressed Lately, The Spirit World; Cond Nast Traveller (UK): Your English Is So Good; Esquire: And While You're Up There, Check On My Prostate.

ISBN 978-0-316-39235-8

E3-20180804-JV-PC

For Joan Lacey

Though theres an industry built on telling you otherwise, there are few real joys to middle age. The only perk I can see is that, with luck, youll acquire a guest room. Some people get one by default when their kids leave home, and others, like me, eventually trade up and land a bigger house. Follow me, I now say. The room I lead our visitors to has not been hastily rearranged to accommodate them. It does not double as an office or weaving nook but exists for only one purpose. I have furnished it with a bed rather than a fold-out sofa, and against one wall, just like in a hotel, Ive placed a luggage rack. The best feature, though, is its private bathroom.

If you prefer a shower to a tub, I can put you upstairs in the second guest room, I say. Theres a luggage rack up there as well. I hear these words coming from my puppet-lined mouth and shiver with middle-aged satisfaction. Yes, my hair is gray and thinning. Yes, the washer on my penis has worn out, leaving me to dribble urine long after Ive zipped my trousers back up. But I have two guest rooms.

The consequence is that if you live in Europe, they attract guestslots of them. People spend a fortune on their plane tickets from the United States. By the time they arrive theyre broke and tired and would probably sleep in our car if we offered it. In Normandy, where we used to have a country place, any visitors were put up in the attic, which doubled as Hughs studio and smelled of oil paint and decaying mice. It had a rustic cathedral ceiling but no heat, meaning it was usually either too cold or too hot. That house had only one bathroom, wedged between the kitchen and our bedroom. Guests were denied the privacy a person sometimes needs on the toilet, so twice a day Id take Hugh to the front door and shout behind us, as if this were normal behavior, Were going out for exactly twenty minutes. Does anyone need anything from the side of the road?

That was another problem with Normandy: there was nothing for our company to do except sit around. Our village had no businesses in it and the walk to the nearest village that did was not terribly pleasant. This is not to say that our visitors didnt enjoy themselvesjust that it took a certain kind of person, outdoorsy and self-motivating. In West Sussex, where we currently live, having company is a bit easier. Within a ten-mile radius of our house, theres a quaint little town with a castle in it and an equally charming one with thirty-seven antique stores. There are chalk-speckled hills one can hike up, and bike trails. Its a fifteen-minute drive to the beach and an easy walk to the nearest pub.

Guests usually take the train from London, and before we pick them up at the station I remind Hugh that, for the duration of their visit, he and I will be playing the role of a perfect couple. This means no bickering and no contradicting each other. If I am seated at the kitchen table and he is standing behind me, he is to place a hand on my shoulder, right on the spot where a parrot would perch if I were a pirate instead of the ideal boyfriend. When I tell a story he has heard so often he could lip-synch it, he is to pretend to be hearing it for the first time and to be appreciating it as much as or more than our guests are. Im to do the same, and to feign delight when he serves something I hate, like fish with little bones in it. I really blew this a few years back when his friend Sue came for the night and he poached what might as well have been a hairbrush. Blew it to such an extent that after she left I considered having her killed. She knows too much, I said to Hugh. The womans a liability now and we need to contain her.

His friend Jane saw some ugliness as well, and though I like both her and Sue and have known them for going on twenty years, they fall under the category of Hughs guests. This means that though I play my role, it is not my responsibility to entertain them. Yes, I offer the occasional drink. I show up for meals but can otherwise come and go at my leisure, exiting, sometimes, as someone is in the middle of a sentence. My father has done this all his life. Youll be talking to him and hell walk awaynot angry but just sort of finished with you. I was probably six years old the first time I noticed this. Youd think Id have found it hurtful, but instead I looked at his retreating back, thinking, We can get away with that? Really? Yippee!

Three of my sisters visited us in Sussex the Christmas of 2012, so Gretchen and Amy took a guest room each. Hugh and I gave Lisa the master bedroom and moved next door to the converted stable I use as my office. One of the things he noted during their stay was that, with the exception of Amy and me, no one in my family ever says goodnight. Rather, they just leave the roomsometimes halfway through dinnerand reappear the following morning. My sisters were considered my guests, but because there was a group of them and they could easily entertain one another, I was more or less free to go about my business. Not that I didnt spend time with them. In various pairings we went on walks and bike rides, but otherwise they sat in the living room talking, or gathered in the kitchen to study Hugh at the stove. Id join them for a while and then explain that I had some work to do. This meant going next door to the stable, where Id switch on my computer and turn to Google, thinking, I wonder what Russell Crowe is up to.

One of the reasons Id invited these three overhad gone so far as to buy their ticketswas that this felt like a last hurrah. Except for Paul, who has no passport but tells me with great certainty that, according to an electrician he met on a job site, it is possible to buy one at the airport, we are all in our fifties now. Healthwise, weve been fortunate, but its just a matter of time before our luck runs out and one of us gets cancer. Then well be picked off like figures at a shooting gallery, easy targets given the lives weve led.

Id counted the days until my sisters arrival, so why wasnt I next door, sitting with Hugh in our perfect-couple sixteenth-century kitchen with its stone floor and crackling fire? Perhaps I worried that if I didnt wander off, my family would get on my nerves, orfar more likelyI would get on theirs, and that our week together wouldnt be as ideal as Id told myself it would be. As it was, Id retreat to my office and spend some time doing nothing of consequence. Then Id head back into the house and hear something that made me wish Id never left. It was like walking into a theater an hour after the picture has started, thinking,