Jon Stewart - Naked Pictures of Famous People

The following people contributed love, inspiration, support, advice, therapy, friendship, research, money, criticism, pressure, name-calling, threats of physical violence or genetic material. The book could not have been completed without them, and yet, even with them, I still missed deadlines.

Marian Leibowitz, Donald Leibowitz, Larry, Shelly, Benjamin and Abbey Leibowitz, Nathan Laskin, Bob and Mary Spiegel, James Dixon, Jimmy Miller, Lee Stollman, Jeff Garlin, Matt Labov, Peter Huyck, Alex Gregory, Adam Resnick, Michael Shore, Kyle Heller, Paul Nelson, Bobby Cohen, Michael Klein, Denis Leary, Diane Dwyer, Chris McShane, Jill Liederman and Dan Strone.

Special mention of thanks to my editor, Rob Weisbach. Without his skilled and persistent knowledge I never would have developed gastrointestinal problems.

Tracey, I cannot express how much your love and support have meant. All I can do is promise not to wake you at three in the morning to try.

For my lovesTracey, Stan, and Shamsky. No offense, Sportscenter.

This is a work of parody. Although reference is made to real persons and events, the dialogue, actions, and content are products of the author's imagination only.

Illustrations in "Da Vinci: The Lost Notebook" by Diane Dwyer

A hardcover edition of this book was published in 1998 by William Morrow and Company, Inc.

NAKED PICTURES OF FAMOUS PEOPLE. Copyright 1998 by Busboy Productions, Inc. All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews. For information address HarperCollins Publishers Inc., 1.0 East 53rd Street, New York, NY 10022.

HarperCollins books may be purchased for educational, business, or sales promotional use. For information please write: Special Markets Department, HarperCollins Publishers Inc., 10 East 53rd Street, New York, NY 10022.

Reprinted in Perennial 2001.

Designed by Leah S. Carlson

The Library of Congress has catalogued the hardcover edition as follows: Stewart, Jon.

Naked pictures of famous people / Jon Stewart.1st ed. p. cm.

ISBN 0-688-15530-8 I. Title

PN6162.S845 1998 98-38999

814'.54dc21

ISBN 0-688-17162-I (pbk.)

07 WBC / QW 30 29 28

DURING THE SPRING of 1935 I had the good fortune of making as my close acquaintance none other than John F. (Jack) Kennedy. Jack and his roommate Lemoyne Billings (LeMoan, Jack would say with an impish grin) were sixth-formers at the prestigious boarding school Choate, where I was a struggling fourth-former. Jack was top dog at the school, much beloved for his lightning wit and easy way with the ladies, but one sensed a sadness about him. A sadness that came from being an outcast, the only Catholic at an all-Protestant boarding school. That's where Jack and I bonded. I was the only Jew. My father ran the commissary so I was allowed to attend school there. My room, or the Yeshiva, as Jack called it (he really wasn't prejudiced and would often defend me to the others as a "terrific yid"), was a meeting place and a hotbed for hatching great pranks ... I'm sure the ample supply of brisket and whitefish from Dad helped. Whatever it was, Jack and I bonded and that spring break he invited Lem and me to visit with his family in Hyannis. Lem, because he was Jack's best friend. "Big, ugly, retarded, chicken-shit Lem," Jack would winningly prod. And meI guess because of our outcast bond ... and our similar views on family and politics ... and I had a car.

I'm glad I kept this journal. I hope it gives the reader some sense of... not President Kennedy, not Camelot, but the happy-go-lucky boy we knewJack.

APRIL 9, 1935

Trip gets off to a rocky start. I argued terribly with Father over the use of the family's Hudson. It's our only car and my father felt he might need it to rush my younger brother to the doctor. He recently contracted a form of typhus and the hospital is a good ten miles from campus. The argument was quite heated. A "kikefight," Jack would expertly chide. Although my father forbade me to take the car, Jack showed me how to start it without the keys and off we went. Any ambivalent feelings I had were assuaged when Jack put his arm around me and said he admired my pluck. "The Zippy Zionist," he would say, smartly using alliteration.

Hyannis is worth the trouble, though. I can't believe only one family lives here, but, oh, what a family. There must be hundreds of them. It's like a Catholic Oz. Mr. and Mrs. K weren't there to greet us, but I could've sworn I saw Ava Gardner in the back kitchen cleaning fish.

I also experienced my first Kennedy family tradition!!! They tell me it's a welcoming ritual given to all first timers called a "clogging." Jack initiates the festivity with a high-pitched Gaelic cry and then the brood is on you. It's great fun, and although it appears young Bobby broke my nose with his knee and there are some bite marks on my kidneys from the girls, Dr. Salk said there is no internal bleeding. I hope not. Jack says there's a sailing race scheduled in the morning and I don't want to miss it.

P.S. The place is so big I've been given virtually an entire wing of the house. Jack spontaneously dubbed it Dachau, and the whole gang joined in the fun, saying if I so much as wandered into their end of the compound I would be castrated.

APRIL 10

Whatta day!! Where to start?! Woken up at 6:30 A.M. by the maid, a beautiful woman who I swear looks just like Fay Wray but insisted I refer to her as "Number 3." Thought I was the first one up but it turns out I'd already missed the boat race as well as a bake off, boxing match and aeronautics seminar given by none other than Lindy himself. This crowd gets things done. Jack took one glance at my late arrival and keenly dubbed me "one lazy cock-sucker." Hearing the rib, Mr. K parried that he "could make a million dollars in the time it took me to take a shit!!" Algonquin, table for two, please!!

One fly in today's whirlwind ointment: Apparently two Kennedy boys drowned during the sailing race: Phil, twelve, and Boris, eight. But Mrs. K gave birth while attending morning church services so everyone's considering the day a wash. (She went into labor during the sermon and had the baby in time for its first communion.) Jack says that's no great shakes. One time Mrs. K took a flight from New York to Miami, got pregnant during beverage service and had the baby before the dinner had been cleared. She's hearty!! The baby's name is Sean and Mr. K gave him to Lindy in appreciation for the exciting flights around Nantucket Bay. Smarts and generosity!!!

Feel bad for three-year-old Teddy. Not only did he lose the boxing match and was forced to sit naked on a block of ice, but it appears his adult-like head is too large for his preschool body. As he walks, he takes to dragging his head on the ground behind him, like an exhausted Santa Claus with the last of his toys. Mr. K had a training wheel apparatus constructed to keep Teddy's head aloft while he walks, but it appears to cause him some discomfort.

I'm looking forward to tonight. Kitty Brookstone, Muffy Aldridge and Vagina Johnson are in town (one for each of us!) and Jack's throwing a costume ball. The theme is the Marx Brothers' A Night at the Opera and I'm going as a guy who goes to the opera. My costume's perfect, right down to the shoes!! Even little Teddy's got a date. He's got a thing going with an older woman (a six-year-old, har-har). He looked so cute as he went to pick her up on his chauffeured tricycle. Mothers, lock up your daughters!!!!