John Gardner - Dragon, Dragon: And Other Tales

Dragon, Dragon and Other Tales

John Gardner
Illustrations by Michael Sporn

To Joel and Lucy

Contents

T here was once a king whose kingdom was plagued by a dragon. The king did not know which way to turn. The kings knights were all cowards who hid under their beds whenever the dragon came in sight, so they were of no use to the king at all. And the kings wizard could not help either because, being old, he had forgotten his magic spells. Nor could the wizard look up the spells that had slipped his mind, for he had unfortunately misplaced his wizards book many years before. The king was at his wits end.

Every time there was a full moon the dragon came out of his lair and ravaged the countryside. He frightened maidens and stopped up chimneys and broke store windows and set peoples clocks back and made dogs bark until no one could hear himself think.

He tipped over fences and robbed graves and put frogs in peoples drinking water and tore the last chapters out of novels and changed house numbers around so that people crawled into bed with their neighbors wives.

He stole spark plugs out of peoples cars and put firecrackers in peoples cigars and stole the clappers from all the church bells and sprung every bear trap for miles around so the bears could wander wherever they pleased.

And to top it all off, he changed around all the roads in the kingdom so that people could not get anywhere except by starting out in the wrong direction.

That, said the king in a fury, is enough! And he called a meeting of everyone in the kingdom.

Now it happened that there lived in the kingdom a wise old cobbler who had a wife and three sons. The cobbler and his family came to the kings meeting and stood way in back by the door, for the cobbler had a feeling that since he was nobody important there had probably been some mistake, and no doubt the king had intended the meeting for everyone in the kingdom except his family and him.

Ladies and gentlemen, said the king when everyone was present, Ive put up with that dragon as long as I can. He has got to be stopped.

All the people whispered amongst themselves, and the king smiled, pleased with the impression he had made.

But the wise cobbler said gloomily, Its all very well to talk about itbut how are you going to do it?

And now all the people smiled and winked as if to say, Well, King, hes got you there!

The king frowned.

Its not that His Majesty hasnt tried, the queen spoke up loyally.

Yes, said the king, Ive told my knights again and again that they ought to slay that dragon. But I cant force them to go. Im not a tyrant.

Why doesnt the wizard say a magic spell? asked the cobbler.

Hes done the best he can, said the king.

The wizard blushed and everyone looked embarrassed. I used to do all sorts of spells and chants when I was younger, the wizard explained. But Ive lost my spell book, and I begin to fear Im losing my memory too. For instance, Ive been trying for days to recall one spell I used to do. I forget, just now, what the deuce it was for. It went something like

Bimble,

Wimble,

Cha, Cha

CHOOMPF!

Suddenly, to everyones surprise, the queen turned into a rosebush.

Oh dear, said the wizard.

Now youve done it, groaned the king.

Poor Mother, said the princess.

I dont know what can have happened, the wizard said nervously, but dont worry, Ill have her changed back in a jiffy. He shut his eyes and racked his brain for a spell that would change her back.

But the king said quickly, Youd better leave well enough alone. If you change her into a rattlesnake well have to chop off her head.

Meanwhile the cobbler stood with his hands in his pockets, sighing at the waste of time. About the dragon he began.

Oh yes, said the king. Ill tell you what Ill do. Ill give the princess hand in marriage to anyone who can make the dragon stop.

Its not enough, said the cobbler. Shes a nice enough girl, you understand. But how would an ordinary person support her? Also, what about those of us that are already married?

In that case, said the king, Ill offer the princess hand or half the kingdom or bothwhichever is most convenient.

The cobbler scratched his chin and considered it. Its not enough, he said at last. Its a good enough kingdom, you understand, but its too much responsibility.

Take it or leave it, the king said.

Ill leave it, said the cobbler. And he shrugged and went home.

But the cobblers eldest son thought the bargain was a good one, for the princess was very beautiful and he liked the idea of having half the kingdom to run as he pleased. So he said to the king, Ill accept those terms, Your Majesty. By tomorrow morning the dragon will be slain.

Bless you! cried the king.

Hooray, hooray, hooray! cried all the people, throwing their hats in the air.

The cobblers eldest son beamed with pride, and the second eldest looked at him enviously. The youngest son said timidly, Excuse me, Your Majesty, but dont you think the queen looks a little unwell? If I were you I think Id water her.

Good heavens, cried the king, glancing at the queen who had been changed into a rosebush, Im glad you mentioned it!

Now the cobblers eldest son was very clever and was known far and wide for how quickly he could multiply fractions in his head. He was perfectly sure he could slay the dragon by somehow or other playing a trick on him, and he didnt feel that he needed his wise old fathers advice. But he thought it was only polite to ask, and so he went to his father, who was working as usual at his cobblers bench, and said, Well, Father, Im off to slay the dragon. Have you any advice to give me?

The cobbler thought a moment and replied, When and if you come to the dragons lair, recite the following poem.

Dragon, dragon, how do you do?
Ive come from the king to murder you.

Say it very loudly and firmly and the dragon will fall, God willing, at your feet.

How curious! said the eldest son. And he thought to himself, The old man is not as wise as I thought. If I say something like that to the dragon, he will eat me up in an instant. The way to kill a dragon is to out-fox him. And keeping his opinion to himself, the eldest son set forth on his quest.

When he came at last to the dragons lair, which was a cave, the eldest son slyly disguised himself as a peddler and knocked on the door and called out, Hello there!

Theres nobody home! roared a voice.

The voice was as loud as an earthquake, and the eldest sons knees knocked together in terror.

I dont come to trouble you, the eldest son said meekly. I merely thought you might be interested in looking at some of our brushes. Or if youd prefer, he added quickly, I could leave our catalogue with you and I could drop by again, say, early next week.

I dont want any brushes, the voice roared, and I especially dont want any brushes next week.

Oh, said the eldest son. By now his knees were knocking together so badly that he had to sit down.

Suddenly a great shadow fell over him, and the eldest son looked up. It was the dragon. The eldest son drew his sword, but the dragon lunged and swallowed him in a single gulp, sword and all, and the eldest son found himself in the dark of the dragons belly. What a fool I was not to listen to my wise old father! thought the eldest son. And he began to weep bitterly.

Well, sighed the king the next morning, I see the dragon has not been slain yet.

Im just as glad, personally, said the princess, sprinkling the queen. I would have had to marry that eldest son, and he had warts.