Chuck Palahniuk - Pygmy

Also by Chuck Palahniuk

Fight Club

Survivor

Invisible Monsters

Choke

Lullaby

Fugitives and Refugees

Diary

Stranger Than Fiction

Haunted

Rant

Snuff

Chuck

Palahniuk

Copyright 2009 Chuck Palahniuk

All rights reserved. The use of any part of this publication, reproduced, transmitted in any form or by any means elec-tronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, or stored in a retrieval system without the prior written consent of the publisheror in the case of photocopying or other reprographic copying, license from the Canadian Copyright Licensing agencyis an infringement of the copyright law.

Doubleday Canada and colophon are trademarks

Library and Archives Canada Cataloguing in Publication

Palahniuk, Chuck

Pygmy / Chuck Palahniuk.

ISBN 978-0-385-66629-9

I. Title.

PS3566.A42P94 2009 813.54 C2008-906953-6

This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are products of the authors imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Book design by Michael Collica

Printed and bound in the USA

Published in Canada by Doubleday Canada,

a division of Random House of Canada Limited

Visit Random House of Canada Limiteds website:

www.randomhouse.ca

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

To Amy Hempel

There is no other cheese.

He alone, who owns the youth, gains the future.

Adolf Hitler

Dispatch

First

Begins here first account of operative me, agent number 67, on arrival Midwestern American airport greater area. Flight . Date . Priority mission top success to complete. Code name: Operation Havoc.

Fellow operatives already pass immigrant control, exit through secure doors and to embrace own other host family people. Operative Tibor, agent 23; operative Magda, agent 36; operative Ling, agent 19. All violate United States secure port of entry having success. Each now embedded among middle-income corrupt American family, all other homes, other schools and neighbors of same city. By not after next today, strategy web of operatives to be established. Passport man, officer nothing behind bullet glass, open and reading passport book of operative me, matching to paper facts of visa, man down look upon this agent, say,

Youre a long ways from home, son. Man, ancient penned animal dying of too tall, pooled heavy blood hanging in leg veins. Trapped all day, then could be next walk to toilet, pow-pow, clot knock out brain. Passport man say, So, youre an exchange student? Man say, How old are you, my boy?

On fingers of operative me, am to count one, two until thirteen.

So youre thirteen? say passport man. Behind glass, say,

Awful small for your age, arent you?

Operative me say, One-three. Hold fingers straight and say repeat, Thirteen.

Iron fist of operative me, could be, flash fire explode, pow-bang. Burst bullet glass. Striking Cobra Quick Kill maneuver so collapse passport man windpipe. Render instant quick dead.

Tongue of operative me lick, licking, touching back tooth on bottom, molar where planted inside forms cyanide hollow, touching not biting. Not yet. Tooth wet smooth against lick of tongue. Swallow spit, say counting one, two, counting on fingers of hand until six. Tell passport man, to be exchange student with host family six month.

Passport man strike paper of book with ink, marked good to enter nation. Slide passport book returned to this agent. Man say, Welcome to the greatest country on earth. Press button and doors allow way inside United States, accessing target family to harvest.

Only one step with foot, operative me to defile security of degenerate American snake nest. Den of evil. Hive of corruption. Host family of operative me waiting, host arms elbow bent to flutter host fingers in attention of this agent. Host family shouting, arms above with wiggling finger. For official record, host father present as vast breathing cow, blowing out putrid stink diet heavy with dead slaughterhouse flesh, bellowing stench of Viagra breath during cow father reach to clasp hand of operative me. From tissue compress rate of father fist, bone-to-cow ratio, host father contain 31.2 percent body fat. Wearing is anchored spring apparatus gripping chest blouse pocket of father, one laminated name badge swinging there, giving name Donald Cedar, from orange dot code, security level nine. Swipe magnetic strip. American industry typical biological exposure indicate strip, as stripe gray along bottom edge of badge, strip showing no recent exposure.

Operative me, am agitating vast fist of cow father, while free hand of this agent reach to acquire security badge. Next now, host cow father say, Whoa, there, little fella.

Say, No touchy, and father touching badge, tapping laminate card flat against own cow-stinking chest, say, Top secret. In talk breath of Viagra, reek of Propecia and mint chew gum.

Operative me ready. Could be simple two pointed elbows to fathers chest, one-two, kam-pow, Flying Eagle maneuver, and three days, by after next today, will father be vomiting both lungs, turned inside out with massive blood, dead. Fast as easy, young child able do.

Host mother dig pointed elbow into rib cage of host father, say, Listen to you, Mister Big Shot.

Host mother present as blinking chicken, chin of face bony sharp as beak, chin tucking and swivel to turn, never still, chicken mother say, Look at you! Face exploded in silent screaming of wide-open lips and teeth, pointy tongue, eyebrows jumped into chicken forehead. Bony claws of chicken mother, gripping each this agent hands, mother lifts to spread arms too high on top this agent head. Spreading operative me so open, exposed, host mother say, Look how skinny!

Looped around one bony chicken claw, keys of automobile rattle and swinging. American-type model require 17.1 minute merely so feed gasoline tank full. Keys of host family residence structure. Other automobile keys, crushed between bony chicken claw and hand of operative me. Fingers of this agent close around keys, attempt slip steal begin off from claw.

Next now, host mother say, We need to put some meat on those bones. Host mother claws keys shut inside mother talon. Sweat sweating from pores of mother, a cooking stew smell heavy mixed with caf iced mocha vanilla combined Zoloft mixed Xanax. Stenched with supplement estrogen. Reek of lanolin out face wrinkle with folic acid pills too many.

From tissue flex index of hand, tendon resistance and dermal friction, guessing chicken mother to be 6.3 percent body fat. Blood pressure 182/120. Resting pulse rate 93. Age 42.3

years. Inside six year, easy subject brain stroke dead. Mother and father, host family name Cedar. Around operative me, make arms. Grope hug. Next then, introduced two host sibling.

Host sister push bundle of paper so collide with abdomen of operative me, paper red and constricted with false gold color of synthetic binding tied so make elaborate flowering knot on top. Printed on paper, in English gold letters say,

Happy Birthday.

Its a T-shirt, say host brother, say, Show some manners. Host brother only pig dog, cradled on both hands, apparatus of black plastic with pig dog dancing thumbs making buttons beep. Black plastic issue noise many tiny explosion. Machine gun report. Host pig dog brother say,

Youre not sharing my room, you little turd.