Jonathan Eyers - Yacht Were You Thinking?: An A-Z of Boat Names Good and Bad

By the same author

Non-fiction

Dont Shoot the Albatross! Nautical Myths and Superstitions

How to Snog a Hagfish! Disgusting Things in the Sea

Final Voyage: The Worlds Worst Maritime Disasters

Fiction

The Thieves of Pudding Lane

Contents

During the lonely key-tapping hours in the garret, its easy for an author to forget that every book is a communal effort, so this is my opportunity to thank:

Commissioning editor Liz Multon, who had the original idea for this book and was open to the direction I wanted to take it in.

Managing editor Penny Phillips, who was aghast to discover she had been called the Dragon Lady by a previous authors wife but who singularly failed to live up to that reputation.

Artist Rose Reynolds, who indulged my request for the Afghan hound .

Darrel Brown, who took to the waters of Lake Michigan in the search for some of the more eye-opening boat names in this book. Im afraid your daughter now knows what yours is really called, Mr B

Its always nice to think people read these Acknowledgements, so if youve made it this far, by way of a reward how well do you know your signal flags?

Whats in a Name?

Boaty McBoatface invited the non-sailing public of Great Britain to have a good laugh at those of us who didnt actually need a good reason to take to the water to get away from them in the first place. Naming a boat suddenly became a joke among people who would gleefully point out that only teenage boys (and assorted manchildren) name their cars.

But theres a reason Second World War air crews used to name their planes, too. These werent just vehicles or machines, and a name wasnt just a romantic affectation. The crews lives were metaphorically in their planes hands, and a name afforded her due appreciation and respect, acknowledging her role and importance. She wasnt a beast of burden she had responsibilities to the men who flew her.

The same is true of a boat or a ship. A unique registration number would do for the purposes of insurance companies, paper-loving government bureaucrats and, of course, coastguard and rescue services. But a number would be soulless, denying a vessel an identity. A name can capture a boats spirit and personality, and acknowledges that she is more than just a floating platform that can be tacked or gybed in various directions.

Yacht insurance companies are good for at least one thing (besides enriching themselves off the back of wobbly-rigging worries, that is): they provide the hard data about which are the most popular registered boat names each year.

With over 12 million private boats owned in the US, another million in the UK, and millions more along the coasts of Europe, this data could come particularly in handy for anyone convinced theyve come up with a highly personal name, but who really should know that there are thousands of other Liberty s out there already.

This book explores names that are very popular (and perhaps too popular) and names that are very rare (and perhaps for good reason). It features famous vessels with equally illustrious skippers as well as boats with unique names you may wish you had thought of first. Ultimately the book will answer perhaps the most important question boat owners should ask themselves: what does this name say about me ?

All other considerations aside, however, theres only one thing a new owner really needs to bear in mind when naming (or renaming) their boat: the possibility that you might, at some point in the future, need to issue a distress signal.

Mayday, Mayday, Mayday, this is sailing yacht Shoot Low Theyre Riding Chickens , Shoot Low Theyre Riding Chickens , Shoot Low Theyre Riding Chickens is going to take up enough of your precious time as it is, but if waters already up to your ankles when you press that DSC button, and youre then asked to spell out the name using the phonetic alphabet, lets be honest, youll have sunk long before you even get to the first Charlie.

And then you, and your seemed-like-a-good-idea-at-the-time boat name, will enter the pantheon of unfortunate anecdotes guffawed over at every yacht-club bar from Hong Kong to Miami.

If you think the stern of your boat is a good place to advertise to your sailing mates how funny or unfunny you are, then treat yourself to a pun. Boat names dont get any more divisive than these. To some, the pun is a form of wit lower even than sarcasm. The more polite will pass no comment at all on a strikingly unoriginal name they have seen a dozen times before. Some of these puns are perennially popular boat names; the better ones, the more original ones, are rare and actually can be quite witty and clever. Everything else aside, puns are a good way to indulge in a little cheeky innuendo, hiding the sauciness in plain sight so that when you get a dirty look from the marina puritans, you can quite innocently claim its all in their own filthy minds.

A Crewed Interest

).

Aquadisiac

More original than Aquaholic (see below), though it will prompt the obvious question about what is the real object of your lust. Your pontoon neighbour will wonder if its your wife. Your wife will worry its not.

Aquaholic

With the exception of 2002, when Liberty (see ) and Aquaholic .

What would choosing either of these names say about you? Other sailors tend to categorise the type of person who would pick them as someone who doesnt know their leech from their luff or their clews from their cleats, and is new enough to yachting not to know they arent being clever or original or funny. Like most stereotypes, somewhere within it is a knot of truth.

In any large marina you are probably not going to be the only Aquaholic , so you must be prepared to be known as Aquaholic with the 1980s colour scheme or Aquaholic with the loud woman . Dont know which Aquaholic has the loud woman? Its probably you, then.

Aqualibrium

Perhaps the best of the Aqua -based puns, and one that requires little wrenching of the English language. From physics to economics to just being able to stand up without falling over, the equilibrium is that point in the middle where all the influences trying to pull in one direction or another are perfectly balanced, so that none gets to dominate. A fine metaphor for sailing and, as puns go, a suitable name for a boat.

Aquasition

Another of the better Aqua- based puns, ruined for ever by the fact that the most famous owner of a boat named Aquasition was Canadian businessman Bernard Ebbers. As CEO of WorldCom he acquired 60 other companies to build one of the largest telecommunications companies in the world, and in 1999 was on the cusp of one final merger that would have been the largest in American history. Each acquisition increased the value of his personal stockholdings, and he had fingers in many corporate pies, including yachting companies. He is currently serving 25 years in prison for fraud and conspiracy.

Baits Motel

Quite a witty name spotted in the US on the back of a boat used primarily to go fishing. The Bates Motel was of course the Californian motel run by Norman Bates in Alfred Hitchcocks 1960 film (and Robert Blochs 1959 novel), Psycho . If youre staying aboard overnight, maybe dont use the shower.

Bankruptsea

This joke about how much you have spent on the new boat might be funnier on the stern of a very small boat than on a very large one. A less common variation is Banchorupcy .