Joe Haldeman - All My Sins Remembered

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Close your eyes.

All right.

Do you feel anything?

No.

Good. Open your eyes. State name, age, relief number.

Otto McGavin. Age 22. 8462-00954-3133.

Why do you desire a position with the Confederacin?

I want to go places and do things. I have never left Earth. This is the most interesting way to do it. I believe in the Confederacin, and want to help it protect the rights of humans and nonhumans.

Do the initials TBII mean anything to you?

No.

To protect the rights of humans and nonhumans, would you lie, cheat, steal, and kill?

I Im an Anglo-Buddhist.

If enough depended on it, would you kill?

I dont know. I dont think so.

Relax.

McGavin finds himself walking down an alley in a strange city. Theres a small hard lump to the right of the small of his back. He checks; its a laser pistol. While its still in his hand, a figure jumps out of the shadows. All yer money, cob, he says. McGavin fires instinctively, killing him.

Would you do that?

I dont know. I think I would. And feel remorse, and wish his soul

Relax.

The same alley, in shadow. Two men standing under a dim light ahead of him. One holds a knife. Just chuck it over, an you wont be hurt. Otto shoots the brigand in the back, killing him.

Would you do that?

I dont think so. I would wait and see whether he actually intended to harm the man and would first give him a chance to surrender.

Relax.

The same alley. Otto is peering into a window, laser in hand. Inside, a man sits drinking tea and reading. Ottos assignment is to assassinate him. He aims carefully and shoots the man in the head.

Would you do that?

No.

Very well. Inkblot. Nail file. Soup. Fandango.

Otto shook his head and looked at the clock on the office wall. That didnt take long, he said.

Rarely does, the interviewer said. An attendant unstuck the electrodes pasted to Ottos head, arms, and chest, and then left.

Otto slipped back into his shirt. Did I pass?

Well, this is not the sort of test you pass. He took a sheet of paper off the top of Ottos application packet and slid it across the desk. Please initial the Interview Completed box.

There are various positions youre undoubtedly eligible for. Whether there are openings, thats another question.

He stood to go. How soon will I find out?

Two or three days. They shook hands and Otto left. The interviewer touched his ear, activating a communicator, and recited a sequence of numbers.

Hello, Rafael? Just finished with that McGavin kid. Maybe you can use him. He paused, listening.

Well, his training, academic training, is appropriate. Politics and economics, subarea in xenosociology. Physical condition superb. Megathlon winner, reflexes like a cat. The only problem I see is attitudinal; hes a little too idealistic. Religious.

He laughed. We certainly can. Ill have the tapes sent up. Endit.

There was hope for McGavin, he thought. In the second situation, hed said he would give the man a chance to surrender not a chance to get away.

Two years later:

Otto walked slowly along the broken slidewalk that over-looked the East River, enjoying the autumn breeze and the tang of ozone from the crawling stream of traffic beneath his feet. Approaching the UM building, he tried to contain his excitement. His first offplanet assignment.

Hed been to the Moon as part of his intensive and confusing training, but that was really just a suburb of Earth. This would be for real.

Georges Ledouxs office was in the subbasement of the building. Getting out of the elevator you stepped through a search ring guarded by two tense armed men. Otto didnt set it off.

The third door down had a small card saying G. Ledoux/Planning. It opened before Otto could knock.

Come in, Mr. McGavin. The office was a cheerfully cluttered place, piles of paper held down with bric-a-brac from a dozen worlds, a battered wooden desk, soft chairs covered with worn but real leather. Ledoux was a bald, slight man, also leathery, smiling. He motioned Otto to a chair.

Well get to your assignment in a minute. First, Id like to clear up a few things about what youve been doing the past two years. You know that a great deal of your training was under deep hypnosis.

That was pretty easy to figure out.

Quite so. Now its time to bring it up to the surface. He glanced at a slip of paper in his hand. Close your eyes atlas, beach ball, mantra, pest.

black precipitate of iodine and ammonium hydroxide in the kidney even superficial-seeming wound brings on shock kick, dont punch go for the eyes conceal the knife until youre in range short bursts to preserve power fence with your head, not with your heart fingers stiff into soft area under sternum, aim for backbone once hes down kick his head sell your life, dont give it away

My God! Otto opened his eyes.

Ledoux picked up a heavy-bladed knife from his desk and hurled it straight at Ottos heart. Otto plucked it out of the air without thinking.

I Im not a diplomat at all.

No. You know enough about it to masquerade as one. Thats all.

Im a Class 2 operator for the TBII?

Thats right. And slated to be a prime operator after another year.

Otto shook his head, as if to clear it.

I know, Ledoux said gently. Its not the cruise you signed up for.

Otto toyed with the knife. More interesting, actually. And more useful.

We like to think so.

This first assignment will not require any personality overlaythe phrase triggered a memory of two months of trainingbut will be TBII business, nevertheless. Youll be assisting a prime operator named Susan Avery, on the planet Depot.