Rob Elliott - Laugh-Out-Loud: The 1,001 Funniest LOL Jokes of All Time

Q: What did one marshmallow say to the other? A: I want smore time with you! Q: How did the zookeeper calm down the wild elephant? A: With a trunk-quilizer. Q: Why were there lizards all over the bathroom wall? A: Because it had been rep-tiled. Q: Why did the man cry when he ran out of cola? A: Because it was soda-pressing. Q: How are bus drivers like trees? A: They both have routes. Q: Why did the clock go on vacation? A: It needed to unwind. Q: What do sheep always take on camping trips? A: Their baa-ckpacks. Q: What do you call a squid with only six arms? A: A hexa-pus. Q: Why cant you take a skunk on vacation? A: Your trip will stink! Q: What do you call the worm that ate Beethoven? A: A de-composer. Q: Why should you always listen to porcupines? A: They have a lot of good points. Q: What do you get when you cross a carrot and a pair of scissors? A: Par-snips. Q: Why dont sand dollars take baths? A: Because they wash up on the shore. Q: Why did the boy and girl play tennis on their date? A: It was a court-ship. Andy: Did you hear about the panther that told the boy he wouldnt eat him? Daniel: No, what happened? Andy: He was lion.Q: Why did the butcher work so hard? A: He had to bring home the bacon. Q: What goes up and down but never moves? A: A flight of stairs. Q: How much does it cost to become an electrician? A: Theres no charge. Q: How do crabs buy their toys? A: With sand dollars. Q: What kind of pole cant you climb? A: A tadpole. Q: Why wouldnt the jellyfish go down the water slide? A: Because he was spineless. Q: How did the farmer show his wife he loved her? A: He brought home the bacon. Q: What does a trash collector eat for lunch? A: Junk food. Q: What did the man do when he was standing out in a thunderstorm? A: He hailed a cab. Q: Why did the mummy keep hugging her kids goodbye? A: She thought they were eerie-sistible. Q: Do turkeys like to eat hot lunch? A: Yes, they gobble it right up. Q: What do spiders eat at a picnic? A: Corn on the cobweb. Q: Why was the butterfly embarrassed when it came to the dance? A: Because it was a moth ball. Q: What happened when the beagle played in the snow? A: It turned into a chili dog! Q: How do gardeners kiss? A: With their tulips. Q: Why wouldnt the cow get a job? A: Because he was a meat loafer. Q: What do you get if you put a pig on a racetrack? A: A road hog! Q: What do you call a crocodile thats always picking fights? A: An insti-gator. Q: What do whales eat for a snack? A: Ships and salsa. Q: Where does a sailor go when hes sick? A: To the dock. Q: Why did the robin get a library card? A: It was hoping to find some bookworms. Q: Why did the pilot paint his jet? A: He thought it was too plane. Q: What did the girl snake say to the boy snake? A: Will you be my boa-friend? Q: How do artists get to work? A: They go over the drawbridge. Q: Where do tarantulas get their information? A: From the World Wide Web. Q: Why do cows believe everything you say? A: Because theyre so gulli-bull. Q: Whats a pirates favorite subject? A: Arrr-ithmetic. Q: Why did the whale buy a violin? A: So it could join the orca-stra. Q: What kind of bugs weigh less every day? A: Lightening bugs. Q: Why did the meteorite go to Hollywood? A: It wanted to be a star. Q: Why dont polar bears and penguins fall in love? A: Because theyre polar opposites. Q: What do you call a hamburger in space? A: A meat-eor! Luke: Im so tired of climbing this big hill! Zack: Oh, get over it! Q: Why dont turtles use the drive-through? A: They dont like fast food. Q: How do the basketball players stay cool during games? A: They sit by their fans. Q: Where do elephants keep their spare tires? A: In their trunks. Q: What falls down but never gets hurt? A: Raindrops! Q: How did the lettuce win the race? A: It got a head start! Q: What happened when the vampire met his blind date? A: It was love at first bite. Q: Why didnt the melons get married? A: Because they cantaloupe. Q: What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? A: Sneakers. Q: How does Saturn clean its rings? A: With a meteor shower! Q: What is the best way to get straight As in school? A: Use a ruler. Q: When do scuba divers sleep underwater? A: When theyre snore-kling. Q: Why wouldnt the earthworm play outside? A: It was grounded. Q: Why did the mechanic stop pumping gas? A: It was a tank-less job. Q: Why shouldnt you date a sausage? A: Because theyre the wurst! Q: Whats a tornados favorite game? A: Twister! Q: How did the monkey escape from the zoo? A: In a hot-air baboon. Q: What is something you always leave behind at the beach? A: Your footprints. Q: Why did the textbook go to the hospital? A: It needed its appendix taken out. Q: How are flowers like the letter A? A: Bees come after them. Q: What does a wasp wear when its raining? A: A yellow jacket. Q: Why do dogs have a great attitude? A: They like to stay paws-itive. Q: Why did the turtle have a bad time with her date? A: He wouldnt come out of his shell. Q: What kind of bugs like sushi? A: Wasa-bees. Q: Why did the pelican run out of money? A: It had a big bill. Q: What did the ocean do when the kids left the beach? A: It waved goodbye. Q: Why did the library book go to the chiropractor? A: It needed its spine adjusted. Q: Why do sharks swim in salt water? A: Pepper water makes them sneeze! Q: Why do potatoes make good detectives? A: They keep their eyes peeled. Q: What do they eat in the Navy? A: Submarine sandwiches. Q: What did the snakes do after their fight?