Bloomsbury Publishing - Jokes to Tell the Queen

Contents and Other Animal Jokes Everyone knows that the Queen loves animals she keeps corgis and Labradors and has lots of horses, some of which are race horses. These jokes are guaranteed to have the Queen and her corgis chuckling. Why do French people eat snails? Because they dont like fast food. Why couldnt Batman go fishing? Because Robin had eaten all the worms. Whats round and furry and smells of mint? A polo bear. Whats round, made of chocolate and sits on the seabed? An oyster egg.

The Queen once had a parrot and if she pulled his right leg he said prayers. If she pulled his left leg he said grace. One day, a priest came along and said, I wonder what would happen if I pulled both legs? The parrot replied, Id fall off my perch, idiot! Why do goats wear bells? Because their horns dont work. What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eye deer . .. What does a cat say if you stand on its tail? Mee-ouch! Whats black and white and red all over? A sunburned penguin.

When do elephants paint their toenails red? When they want to hide in the cherry tree. Whats the difference between a piano and a fish? You cant tune a fish! What do you call married horses? A bridle and groom. How many Fs are in this: a farmer found a fox in a field? None there are no Fs in this. What do you call a sheep with no legs? A cloud. Where do you go if you need a pat on the head? Under a cow. How do you stop the corgi from barking in the back garden? Put him in the front garden.

What goes oom oom ? A cow walking backwards. How do you know if an elephant has been in the fridge? By the footprints in the butter. Why did the one-eyed bird cross the road? To get to the birds eye shop. What pet does the Queen keep in her loo? The privy seal. Whats the best thing to do if your corgi swallows a dictionary? Take the words right out of his mouth. A horse walks into a shop and the shopkeeper says, Whats with the long face? What do you get if you cross a cow with a camel? A lumpy milkshake.

What do corgis do in cold weather? Sit around the fire. What do corgis do in very cold weather? Light the fire. What would happen if the Queen had a cow, a duck and a goat? Shed have cream quackers and cheese for breakfast every day. What do you get if you pour hot water down a rabbit hole? Hot cross bunnies. How do you hire a horse? Put it on four bricks. What does a man do standing up, a woman sitting down and a corgi on three legs? Shake hands.

What do you get if you cross a sheep with a kangaroo? A woolly jumper. What do Henry the Eighth and Kermit the Frog have in common? The. What goes 99-bonk ? A centipede with a wooden leg. Why couldnt the two elephants go swimming? Because they only had one pair of trunks. What bull sleeps? A bulldozer. Whats the difference between a dog and a flea? A dog can have fleas but a flea cant have dogs.

What do birds eat for breakfast? Tweetabix. What did the dog say when it sat on sandpaper? Ruff, ruff ! What is black and white and noisy? A penguin playing the drums. What do you call a dog on a warm day? A hot dog. Whats a crocodiles favourite game? Snap. What do you call a short-sighted dinosaur? I dont think he saw us. What computer game do animals play in the jungle? Mortal Wombat. What computer game do animals play in the jungle? Mortal Wombat.

Which American city has lots of cows? Moo York. Why did the hedgehog say ouch? Because his prickles were inside out. What is a cows favourite game? Moosical chairs. What do you call a fish with a fishing rod? A fishing fish. How do pigs dress? In mud. What do you call a cat sitting on a log? A catalogue! Why did the dinosaur have spots? Because it had chicken pox.

What goes up slowly and comes down fast? An elephant in a lift. What do you call an elephant that cant do sums? Dumbo. What animals in Noahs Ark didnt come in pairs? Worms they came in apples. Why do bees fly with their legs crossed? Because they are looking for the BP station. Why is a turkey like a cushion? Because it is full of stuffing. What do you get if you cross a snowman with a man-eating shark? Frostbite.

What do you call a stag with no eyes? Still no idea! What happened when the pig took up flying lessons? The price of bacon went up. What goes to bed with its shoes on? A horse. Why did one snake ask the other snake if it was poisonous? Because it bit him! Why did the hedgehog cross the road? To see his flat mate. Which fly makes films? Steven Spielbug. What did Pink Panther say when he stood on an ant? Dead ant, dead ant, dead ant, dead ant, dead ant, dead ant, dead ant, dead ant, dead ant (Sing it to the theme tune!) Ten cats were on a boat and one cat jumped off. How many cats were left? None the others were copycats.

Why did the pop star cross the road? Because he was stapled to the chicken. Why do bees hum? Because they dont know the words. What do cows drink? Mooshakes. What do you get if you cross a tiger and a sheep? A stripy woolly. Why did the tortoise cross the road? Because he wanted to get to the Shell station. What do you get if you cross a hare and a cow? A hairy cow.

What did the dinosaur say to the elephant? Nothing they cant talk. What did the grape do when the elephant sat on it? Gave a little whine. Why did the lobster blush? Because the seaweed. How do you keep flies out of the kitchen? Put all the rubbish in the living room. Whats the best way to stop fish smelling? Cut off their noses. Whats the difference between Indian and African elephants? About 3,000 miles.

How do you weigh a whale? At a whale weigh station. Why did the cow laugh when he slipped on the ice? Because its no use crying over spilt milk. Whats a slug? A snail with a housing problem. What do you give a sick pig? Oinkment. Where do you send a sick wasp? Waspital. Why did the cow cross the road? Because it was the chickens day off.