James P. Osterhaus - Thriving through Ministry Conflict

Thriving through
MINISTRY CONFLICT

ZONDERVAN

Thriving through MINISTRY CONFLICT
Copyright 2005 by TAGThe Armstrong Group

All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, down-loaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of Zondervan.

ePub Edition June 2009 ISBN: 0-310-86438-0

Published in association with Eames Literary Services, Nashville, Tennessee

Requests for information should be addressed to:
Zondervan, Grand Rapids, Michigan 49530

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Osterhaus, James P.
Thriving through ministry conflict : by understanding your red and blue zones / James P. Osterhaus, Joseph M. Jurkowski, and Todd A. Hahn.
p. cm.
Includes bibliographical references.
ISBN-13: 978-0-310-26344-9
1. Church controversies. 2. ClergyPsychology. 3. Pastoral theology.
I. Jurkowski, Joseph M. II. Hahn, Todd, 1968- III. Title.
BV652.9.O88 2005
253dc22

2005010114

The website addresses recommended throughout this book are offered as a resource to you. These websites are not intended in any way to be or imply an endorsement on the part of Zondervan, nor do we vouch for their content for the life of this book.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any meanselectronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, or any otherexcept for brief quotations in printed reviews, without the prior permission of the publisher.

05 06 07 08 09 10 11 12 /DCI/ 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

To our wives and children, Anita, Marcy, David, Eddie, Justin, Jonathan, whose loving spirits live in these pages

Contents

We would like to acknowledge the following people who read early versions of the manuscript and provided helpful suggestions and real encouragement: Jeff Cutruzzula, Dana Dixon, Mike Moses, Jenna Peeler, Dan Southerland, Dave Verhaagen, and Richard Wilson. Staci Marinack was involved with feedback chapter by chapter, and her constant encouragement and support were indispensable. Thanks to all of these friends and encouragers.

The pathway of leadership is dangerous and difficult. This is doubly true for the man or woman in ministry. Take a look at this true story.

An Exhausted Pastor

Pastor Phil had good reason for his anxiety. His three-year ministry at a small midwestern church was shaping up to be a colossal failure. He had run up against a brick wall the likes of which few in ministry had experienced. A small but influential group in this aging, ingrown congregation of two hundred had early on tangled with Pastor Phil over the changes he was bringing to the church. Over time, he had become sensitive to their repeated criticisms and had finally worn to the breaking point.

In any organization, voices of dissent provide clues about unexpressed pain within the organization. However, these voices are often misinterpreted by the leaders of the organization because they are seen as oppositional. It is hard to hear the message when one feels personally attacked, when every action is questioned and every good idea is opposed.

Pastor Phil found himself in this very dilemma. He didnt understand the resistance to his initiatives, since most of the parishioners apparently agreed with his values and vision. No matter what he had tried, no matter how he had handled conflicts, the situation had grown steadily worse, and he and his family had suffered. This suffering had created doubt in Pastor Phil, doubt about his ability to lead and doubt about his vocation. As he had grown more and more depressed, he had also struggled with growing bitterness and resentment.

The search committee which had called him knew they needed a leader who would challenge the church community. They knew Pastor Phil would confront contradictions in beliefs and behaviors; they knew he would never compromise his integrity. They wanted Pastor Phil to do what they could not do.

Pastor Phils great error was innocence. He never understood that integrity is not necessarily valued, or that it is not a formula for popularity. He naively thought that new ideas would be greeted with enthusiasm. He thought that the long-term interests of the many would always win over the short-term interests of the few. He thought that because the community needed and said they wanted change, they would embrace it, and that in appreciation for his efforts, they would embrace him and his family. Instead, as he confronted the contradictions he saw in the church, he was attacked. He felt betrayed and wounded, and he personalized the attacks, which not only confused him but created shame and guilt in the members of the parish.

The church had been doing things in certain ways for years and had never been confronted about their behavior by previous pastors. They in turn felt wounded, betrayed, and personally attacked by Pastor Phil. They didnt understand what he was doing or why he was upset.

As time passed, Pastor Phil was worn down. He could not tone down the conflict, depersonalize the attacks coming at him, or rebuild relationships within the congregation. Finally, he left the church.

Faulty Expectations and Intense Personal Conflict

Between the three of us, we have over seventy years of experience working with pastors and churches, serving on church staffs, and fulfilling the role of pastor. We have found Pastor Phils story to be the rule and not the exception. Good men and women with a calling for the Lords work become exhausted, then defeated, and finally leave the ministry.

It is our observation that the average minister is

highly committed,

confused by the unrealistic expectations of others,

and overwhelmed and frightened by incomprehensible conflict.

What goes wrong for pastors everywhere, over and over again? Faulty expectations that lead to intense personal conflict.

Adjust Expectations,Dont Satisfy Them

Heres an interesting paradox. The more pastors care, the more they are set up to fail. The reason they fail is because they tend to make perhaps the most serious error a leader can make. They attempt to meet all of the expectations of their congregation.

This attempt has two consequences:

1. Leaders run themselves ragged and destroy their own lives and the lives of their family members.

2. Leaders send the wrong message to their congregations, and especially to those needy individuals who have a great deal of woundedness from the past. This message is, Yes, I can do it all. I can heal those wounds. Im the right person for you. But sending this message is a recipe for disaster because leaders invariably are unable to meet all of their congregants expectations.

So whats the answer to this dilemma? How can the pastor deal effectively with the congregation, and especially those deeply wounded people who want, who demand, that he or she heal all of their wounds, fix their defects, and compensate for their deficiencies?