Alexander Barrett - This is Portland: The City Youve Heard You Should Like

This edition was published May 1, 2013 First printing of 3,000 copies. Distributed by IPG, ChicagoCantankerous Titles, PO Bwox 14332, Portland, OR 97293 ISBN 978-1-62106-024-6

www.cantankeroustitles.com

I have lived in Portland, Oregon for one year and one month. Before I moved here, everyone told me it was the best city ever. When I asked them why, they couldnt be specific. I heard a lot of: It just is.

This is my attempt to be specific.

Not all of the things in this book are exclusive to Portland, but together, theyll give you an idea of how Portland makes me feel. This feeling will hopefully show you exactly why Portland, Oregon, is, hands down, the best city ever.

When you start talking about visiting or moving to Portland, people are going to warn you about the rain. Apparently, the consensus between everyone I know is that theyd like to live in Portland, but they just cant deal with the oppressive, ever-present rain.

Here is Portlands greatest secret: It doesnt rain that much. Its a little gloomy for most of the winter, but it only occasionally gets really serious about raining. It drizzles, sure, but anyone can manage a drizzle.

I dont want to seem paranoid, but there is absolutely a conspiracy at work here. Portlanders over-hype the rain in order to keep outsiders from moving in. When tourists visit in summer and think Portland is a paradise on earth and the answer to all of their problems, the locals say, Sure, but this only lasts for four months. The rest of our life here is a wet, cloudy, living hell. Save yourself! Get out while you still can! And then the tourists back away slowly and leave the city forever, allowing the locals to stretch their legs, and making the lines at Pine State Biscuits much shorter.

It might not be ethical, but it works.

Okay, I started writing this in January. It is now March. It rains plenty here. It rains about 37.5 inches a year. Im not part of this conspiracy. I am actually annoyed. It is oppressive. It is ever-present. Im told it wont stop until the Fourth of July. Save yourself! Get out while you still can!

Reading this over, Im worrying that I may be focusing too much on the weather right off the bat. Weather shouldnt make a city. But in Portlands case, it really does. Everything about Portland changes with the seasons. And by seasons, Im talking about Rain and Summer. During the rain, Portland is dreary, but its still a great city. During the summer, it borders on heaven.

More on that later.

One more observation about the rain: Portland is full of cool people. Raincoats are not cool. How do cool people stay cool in the rain? They get really wet, thats how.

Portland hates calling itself Portland. It has a lot of nicknames and its pretty hard to keep track of them. Heres a convenient list, so youll have them all in one place.

1. City of Roses

There are two possible reasons for Portlands official nickname.

a. In 1871, Leo Samuel moved to Portland. He always kept perfectly groomed rose bushes on his front lawn. A pair of clippers sat next to the bushes so passersby could snip off a flower and take it with them, perhaps for use as a boutonniere. In 1906, Samuel founded the Oregon Life Insurance Company.

b. During an 1888 Episcopal Church convention, someone said something about Portland being the City of Roses. The name didnt really go anywhere for the next 17 years. Then, Mayor Harry Lane spoke before the 1905 Lewis and Clark Centennial Exposition and declared that the city needed a festival of roses. Two years later, the festival of roses began. It and the nickname have been going strong ever since.

2. Bridgetown

Heres the thing about Portland: It has a lot of bridges.

3. Rip City

On February 18th, 1971, the Portland Trail Blazers, then in their first season, were playing against the Los Angeles Lakers. The Lakers were ahead, it seemed all hope was lost. Then, guard Jim Barnett sank a shot from way downtown. Blazers announcer Bill Schonely, overcome with excitement, shouted: Rip city! Alright! It had nothing to do with anything. It was perfect.

4. P-Town

Some people call Portland P-town. Ive never met these people, but Im sure they lead rich, colorful lives.

5. Stumptown

In the mid-to-late 1840s, Portlands population was growing fast. People were settling farther and farther away from the city and trees had to be cut down to make way for new roads. While there were plenty of workers to do the cutting, there was no one to remove the stumps. So, the stumps remained while the city waited for more manpower.

Some people walked on the stumps to avoid the mud. Some people painted the stumps white to make sure the city knew they were still there. When businessman John C. Ainsworth came to town in the early 1850s, he quipped that there were more stumps than trees. No one was amused, but theyd figured it would be a good nickname.

6. Razorblade City

Portland has a pretty high depression and suicide rate. It gets dark in the winter. The Lifesavas, a local hip-hop group, coined the nickname on their 2007 album, Gutterfly. Despite their name, the suicide rate has not gone down since The Lifesavas got together.

7. PDX

PDX is the airport code for the Portland International Airport. Theres an x in it, so people think it sounds cool.

8. Little Beirut

Whenever President George Herbert Walker Bush came to town he was always greeted by throngs of protestors. His staffers labeled the city Little Beirut.

They were all assholes.

If you live in Portland and you arent in a band, people will look at you funny at concerts. Theyll ask: So, when are you going up? And youll say: Oh, no, I just came to hear some music.

Then, theyll give you the stink eye and back away slowly.

As Im writing this, there are about 700 registered food carts in Multnomah County. Not all of them are in city limits. But believe me, a whole lot of them are. As soon as this book is released, that number will will go up. Actually, that number will probably go up tomorrow, but lets just stick with about 700. That sounds impressive enough, right?

More and more, when you walk down the street, youll pass what was until recently an empty lot but now is filled with tiny trailers or little shacks, each serving a different kind of food. If Portland is one giant Shopping Mall, these are the food courts.

Youll find the most impressive collection downtown at SW 9th and Alder. A full city block of carts. All you have to do is walk around and take your pick. It sounds a lot easier than it is.

Cart indecision can be a real problem. If you are one of the lucky ones who can easily make a choice, look around you while you wait for your food. Youll see tourists bewildered by options. Youll see locals taking fake phone calls, walking up and down the block, trying to make it seem like they know what theyre doing. Youll see the moment that a group of coworkers realizes that none of them want to go to the same place. Each one will end up walking back to the office alone. And youll see old pros whove narrowed it down to their two favorite places. Their eyes dart back and forth as they weigh the pros and cons because at this moment, theyre facing the most important decision in their lives.