Lindsey Davis - Ode To a Banker

ODE TO A BANKER

______

Lindsey Davis

Published by Century in 2000

1 3 5 7 9 10 8 6 4 2

Copyright Lindsey Davis 2000

Lindsey Davis hasasserted her right under the Copyright, Designs and

Patents Act, 1988 to be identified as the author of this work

This book is sold subjectto the condition that it shall not, by way of trade or

otherwise, be lent, resold, hired out, or otherwise circulated without the pub

lisher's prior consent in any form of binding or cover other than that in whichit

is published and without a similar condition including this condition being

imposed on the subsequent purchaser

First published in the United Kingdomin 2000 by Century

Random House UK Limited

20 Vauxhall Bridge Road, London SW1V 2SA

www.randomhouse.co.uk

A CIP catalogue recordfor this book is available from the British Library

Papers used by RandomHouse

are natural, recyclable products made from wood grown in

sustainable forests. The manufacturing processes conform to

the environmental regulations of the country of origin

ISBN 0 7126 8034 9

Typeset in Bembo by SX Composing DTP, Rayleigh,Essex

Printed and bound in the United Kingdomby

Mackays of Chatham plc, Chatham, Kent

Author's Disclaimers

I herebyassert strenuously that the scroll-shop of Aurelius Chrysippus in the ClivusPublicius bears no relation to my publishers - who are models of editorialjudgement, prompt payment, fair dealing, strong marketing, and lunch-buying.

Theviews of M. Didius Falco on the characters and habits of authors are his viewsonly; clearly, he has not met my delightful colleagues.

The Golden Horse is certainly not mybank.

PRINCIPAL CHARACTERS

Old Stagers

M. Didius Falco/DilliusBraco a well-known Roman

HelenaJustina a heroine (a loyal reader)

Ma (JunillaTacita) a canny depositor

Pa(Geminus) a chipped old block

Maia Favonia(asister) a late-developing job-seeker

Junia (anothersister) a skilled staff manager

RutiliusGallicus a high profile spare time scribbler

Anacrites a low lyer with variable interests

A. CamillusAelianus an ill-equipped aristocratic trainee

Gloccus andCotta invisible bathhouse contractors

Numerous children, dogs,pregnancies and pups

The Vigiles

PetroniusLongus a stand-in looking for a fair cop

Fusculus an old hand with attitude

Passus a new boy with a taste for adventure

Sergius an official bruiser

The World of the Arts

Aurelius Chrysippus a patron of literature (a swine)

Euschemon a scroll-seller (a good critic) (a what?)

Avienus a historian with writer's block

Turius a utopian with allergies (to work)

UrbanusTrypho the Shakespeare (Bacon?) of his day

Anna,Trypho'swife who may have a way with her

Pacuvius (Scrutator) abad-mouthing satirist (extinct species)

Constrictus a love poet who needs to be dumped,

Blitis from a writers' group (not writing at present)

From Commerce

Nothokleptes a thieving bastard (a banker)

AureliusChrysippus (him again) a secretive businessman

Lucrio a personal banking executive (unsafe deposits)

Bos a big man who explains bank charges

Diomedes a very religious son with artistic hobbies

Lysa(first wife of Chrysippus) a maker of men and their businesses (hard feelings)

Vibia(second wife ofditto) a keen home-maker (soft furnishings)

Pisarchus a shipping magnate who may be sunk

Philomelus his son, a drudge with a dream

StockCharacters

Domitian a Young Prince (a hater)

Aristagoras an Old Man (a lover?)

Anoldwoman a Witness

Perella a Dancer

ROME: MID JULY-12 AUGUST,AD74

`A book may be defined... as a written (or printed)message of considerable length, meant for public circulation and recorded onmaterials that are light yet durable enough to afford comparatively easyportability.'

EncyclopaediaBritannica

[Thecreditor] examines your family affairs; he meddles with your transacations. Ifyou go forth from your chamber, he drags you along with him and carries you of, if you hide yourselfinside he stands before your house and knocks at the door.

If[the debtor] sleeps, he sees the moneylender standing at his head, an evildream... If a friend knocks at the door he hides under the couch. Does thedog bark? He breaks out in a sweat. The interest due increases like a hare, awild animal which the ancients believed could not stop reproducing even whileit was nourishing the offspring already produced.'

Basil of Caesarea

I

POETRYSHOULD have been safe.

`Take yourwriting tablets up to our new house,' suggested Helena Justina, my elegantpartner in life. I was struggling against shock and physical exhaustion, acquiredduring a dramatic underground rescue. Publicly, the vigiles took the credit,but I was the mad volunteer who had been lowered head first down a shaft onropes. It had made me a hero for about a day, and I was mentioned by name(misspelled) in the DailyGazette. `Just sit andrelax in the garden,' soothed Helena,after I had rampaged about our tiny Roman apartment for several weeks. `You cansupervise the bathhouse contractors.'

`I cansupervise them if they bother to turn up.'

`Takethe baby. I may come too - we have so many friends abroad nowadays, I ought towork on The Collected Letters of Helena Justina.'

`Authorship?'

What - by asenator's daughter? Most are too stupid and too busy counting their jewellery.None are ever encouraged to reveal their literary skills, assuming they havethem. But then, they are not supposed to live with informers either.

`Badly needed,' she said briskly. `Mostpublished letters are by smug men with nothing to say.'

Was sheserious? Was she privately romancing? Or was she just twisting the rope on mypulley to see when I snapped? 'Ah well,' I said mildly. `You sit in the shadeof a pine tree with your stylus and your great thoughts, fruit. I can easilyrun around after our darling daughter at the same time as I'm keeping a checkon a bunch of slippery builders who want to destroy our new steam room. Then Ican dash off my own little odes whenever there's a pause in the screaming andstonecutting.'

Everywould-be author needs solitude and tranquillity.

Itwould have been a wonderful way to pass the summer, escaping from the city heatto our intended new home on the Janiculan Hill - except for this: the new homewas a dump; the baby had embarked on a tantrum phase; and poetry led me into apublic recital, which was foolish enough. That brought me into contact with theChrysippus organisation. Anything in commerce that looks like a safeproposition may be a step on the route to grief.

II

I MUST HAVE been crazy. Drunktoo, maybe.

Why had I receivedno protection from the Capitoline gods? All right, I admit Jupiter and Minervamight feel I was their most insignificant acolyte, merely slave to a sinecure,a placeman, a careerist, and a half-hearted one at that. But Juno could havehelped me out. Juno really should have bestirred herself from leaning on oneelbow, playing Olympian board games of hero-baiting and husbandtracking; theQueen of Heaven could have stilled the dice just long enough to notice that thenew Procurator of her Sacred Geese had an unworkable glitch in his otherwisesmooth-running social life. In short: I had stupidly agreed to be the warm-upact at someone else's poetry show.

My fellowauthor was a senator of consular rank. Disastrous. He would expect his friendsand relatives to be seated on the comfortable benches while mine squashed intoa few inches of standing room. He would grab most of the reading time. He wouldgo first, while the audience was still awake. What's more, he was bound to be abloody awful poet.