Paul M Miller - Slam-Dunk Sports Jokes: A Winning Collection of the Worlds Best Athletic Jokes

2013 by Barbour Publishing, Inc.

Compiled by Paul M. Miller

Print ISBN 978-1-62029-800-8

eBook Editions:

Adobe Digital Edition (.epub) 978-1-62416-042-4
Kindle and MobiPocket Edition (.prc) 978-1-62416-041-7

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All scripture quotations are taken from the H OLY B IBLE , N EW I NTERNATIONAL V ERSION . NIV . Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide.

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All good sports know, as Proverbs 17:22 says, A cheerful heart [and a well-thrown fastball] is good medicine.

Of all the clichs and homilies found in the lexicon of sport, none is quoted more often than It isnt whether you win or lose, its how you play the game that counts. Say that to an eager rookie or a been-around-the-bases-a-few-thousand-times pro, and theyll both laugh and say something like, Yeah, tell that joke to our boss upstairs.

Sports stories have also been ammunition for those who speak for The Man Upstairs. They know that the common playing field of good sportsmanship applies to this season and all the seasons of eternity. Sometimes a good laugh is the best way to get the point across.

Remember this knee-slapper? Q: Who was the first athlete mentioned in the Bible? A: Josephhe served in Pharaohs court. That little number used to bring down the house in places of worship and Sunday school classes. But theres no doubt that that whizbanger has been shelved, right alongside the road-crossing chicken and the firemans red suspenders.

What this collection of sports humor for every season has going for it is the scope of its contents. While you may not find your favorite lacrosse joke here, youll certainly find a plethora of jock humor thatll give you a good-sport edge in the locker room as well as in your Sunday school class.

Wasnt it Yogi Berra who said, You can observe a lot by just watching? Maybe thats why baseball is called the great American pastime. There are so many people observing. And what do they probably see? The weirdness of a multi-million-dollar pitcher who needs relief. Figure that one out, Yogi.

For their entire lives, Phil and Tony lived baseball. They went to more than sixty games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would come back and tell the other if there was a ball diamond in heaven.

One night in the middle of a Yankees game, Phil passed on happy. A few nights later, Tony awoke to Phils voice coming from the beyond. Phil, is that you?

Of course its me.

Quick, tell me, Tony excitedly asked, is there baseball in heaven?

First the good news. Yes, Tony, there is baseball in heaven.

And the bad news?

Youre pitching tomorrow night.

I was watching a baseball game on television when my wife said, Speaking of high and outside, the grass needs mowing.

The only problem he has in the outfield is with fly balls.

That free agent doesnt steal bases, he buys them.

Hes such a tough hitter he even gets walks at batting practice.

I like the good old days when umpires called strikes and the players union didnt.

Our team was so bad that when they played the National Anthem, the flag was at half-staff.

The only thing that stays in the cellar longer than those losers is a furnace.

Baseball will outlast all other sports because a diamond is forever.

Old ball players never die; theyre just debased.

Jake: Our towns baseball league is the worst!

Jock: How bad is it?

Jake: Its so bad the kids throw away the baseball cards and collect the bubble gum.

Heckling umpires can be an art form. Three favorite put-downs are:

Hey ump, if you follow the white line, youll find first base.

Hey ump, how can you sleep with all the lights on?

Hey ump, shake your headyour eyes are stuck.

No wonder kids are so confused these days. I saw a Little Leaguer being told by his coach, Hold at third, and his mother yelling, Johnny, you come home this instant.

A little boy was overheard talking to himself as he strutted through his backyard carrying a ball and bat and shouting, Im the greatest hitter in the world! Then he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and missed.

Strike one! he yelled. Undaunted, he picked up the ball and repeated, Im the greatest hitter in the world! When it came down, he swung again and missed. Strike two! he cried.

The boy paused a moment, examined the ball, spit on his hands, adjusted his hat, and repeated, Im the greatest hitter in the world!

Again he tossed the ball up and swung at it. He missed. Strike three!

Wow! he exclaimed. Im the greatest pitcher in the world!

We keep losing games, but our team continues to have a T-shirt night, cap night, a bat night. How about something exciting this season like a Winning Night?

During a crucial kids sandlot baseball game, a spectator was surprised to see a dog walk out to the pitchers mound, wind up, and strike out the other all-star team. Later, he would score two home runs.

Thats incredible, the spectator exclaimed to the man sitting next to him.

Yes, the man said, but hes a terrible disappointment to his parents. They wanted him to play football.

A rookie pitcher was struggling at the mound, causing the catcher to walk up to have a talk. Ive figured out your problem, he told the young southpaw. You always lose control at the same point in every game.

When is that?

Right after the National Anthem.

Look, Billy, the coach said, you know the principles of good sportsmanship. You know the Little League doesnt allow temper tantrums, shouting at the umpire, or abusive language.