Stuart Woods - Fresh Disasters

Book 13 in the Stone Barrington series, 2007

Elaines, late.

Stone Barrington sat at his usual table with Dino Bacchetti and Bill Eggers. Dino was his old partner from when he had been on the NYPD, and Eggers was the managing partner of Woodman and Weld, the law firm for which Stone was of counsel, which is to say, he did the work that the firm did not wish to be seen to do, sometimes for clients the firm did not wish to be seen to represent. He did this work from a distance, at his home office in Turtle Bay.

Stone took his first sip of his second bourbon, while Dino and Eggers did likewise for their second Scotch.

Im hungry, Stone said. How long since we ordered dinner?

Eggers glanced at his watch. Twenty minutes.

I should have my green bean salad, hold the peppers, by now, Stone said.

Look around, Dino said. Its a busy night.

It was a busy night, Stone reflected, and then it got even busier. The front door opened, and in walked Herbert Q. Fisher with two hookers. Stone knew they were hookers, because renting was the only means by which Herbie Fisher could acquire company so attractive, not that they were all that attractive.

Oh, shit, Stone said.

Shit what? Dino asked.

Its Herbie Fisher. Stone looked away from the door, so as not to catch Herbies eye. It didnt work.

Herbie stopped at Stones table, picked up his hand and pumped it. Hey, Stone, baby! he yelled, forming his words carefully enough that he appeared drunk. Hows it hanging?

Hello, Herbie, Stone said. How are you? He immediately regretted the question.

Well, Im a lot better than okay, Herbie said. I passed the bar today.

Stone squinted at him. Youre going to be a bartender? Visions came to mind of customers clutching their throats and gagging.

No, no-the bar. You and I are now brothers in the law.

Youre drunk, Herbie. Go away.

Herbie began searching for something in his inside coat pocket. No, Im not kidding. Ive got it right here. He came up with a page from a newspaper and unfolded it to reveal a list of many names in small print. A circle was drawn around one of them. See? Right here! Herbie pointed helpfully.

Stone looked at the name. This is a list of night students who got their GEDs, right?

No! Look up at the top of the page.

Stone followed Herbies finger. Candidates Successfully Completing the Bar Examination of the State of New York, read the title.

Its a joke newspaper, Stone said.

No, its not! Herbie said indignantly.

Youve never been to law school, Stone pointed out.

I most certainly have, Herbie said, for the past nineteen months, at the Oliver Wendell Holmes Internet College of Law. I graduated summa cum laude.

Herbie, go away, Stone said.

Oh, let me introduce you to my ladies, Herbie said, sweeping an arm toward the two hookers. This is Suzette and Sammie. Ladies, this is the distinguished attorney-at-law Mr. Stone Barrington. He and I have worked together in the past and, hopefully, will be working together in the future.

Herbie, Stone said, youre hallucinating. The notion that you graduated from any established law school and passed the bar is insane, and the idea of working with you in any capacity is repellent. If you dont go away, Ill have a waiter throw you out.

Nice to see you, too, Stone, Herbie said with a wave. He took the arms of his two companions and steered them toward a table in Siberia, where a waiter was frantically beckoning.

Who the hell was that? Eggers asked.

You remember that time when you wanted to catch a clients husband in flagrante delicto, and you asked me to find a photographer, and Bob Cantor, who usually does that sort of work for me, was out of town and recommended his nephew, and the nephew fell through the skylight while taking the photograph?

Oh, yeah, I remember that.

Well, that was Herbie Fisher.

Holy shit, didnt you have that guy shot?

I wish.

And now hes a member of the bar?

No, its just one of Herbies fantasies, probably cooked up to impress the hookers.

How do you know theyre hookers? Eggers asked.

Dino spoke up. Just take a look, he said, nodding in the direction of Herbies table.

One of the girls was sitting close to Herbie, exploring his ear with her tongue, while the feet of the other, toes pointing downward, could be seen to protrude from under the tablecloth. Herbie wore a beatific expression.

If Elaine sees that, Dino said, shell grab somebodys steak knife and kill them all.

Okay, Eggers said, theyre hookers. But that page of names he showed you was from the Legal Review, and they published the names today of those who passed the bar.

Then somebody took the bar exam for him, Stone said.

Probably the same guy who took G. W. Bushs exams at Yale and Harvard, Dino said.

Their first course arrived, and they dug in.

Elaine came over and sat down. You ordered the porterhouse? she said.

Right, Dino replied.

For three of you?

Its a big steak.

Its a steak for two; you can carry home the leftovers, like always.

Elaine, Stone said, whats the difference if three of us finish the thing here?

The difference is one main course, she said. Do the arithmetic.

Stone was about to argue with her when two very large men walked through the front door, looking around like wolves seeking out a wounded animal. Whats this? Stone asked.

Dino glanced over his shoulder. Wiseguys, he said. So what?

They dont look like theyre here for dinner, Stone replied. At least, not for anything on the menu.

The two very large men walked the length of the restaurant, then homed in on Siberia, where the girl under the table had finished her work and had joined her companions in an upright position for a glass of wine. One of the men reached across the table, took Herbie by the lapels and lifted him over the table.

Stone was impressed that the lift was such that Herbies feet had cleared the wineglasses. He watched as, braced between the two very large men, Herbie was escorted toward the front door, his feet not quite touching the floor.

Dino, Elaine said.

What?

Dino, youre a cop; do something, she said, nodding toward the three men.

Elaine, Im about to be in the middle of a steak.

Listen, you want to fuck up my reputation here? I cant have that kind of stuff going on. Get your ass out there.

Dino heaved a sigh, got up from the table and walked out the front door, digging in his pocket for his badge.

Whats going on? Eggers asked.

Could be a collection under way, Stone replied.

Or a hit, Elaine observed.

The door opened and Dino entered, supporting Herbie, who was dabbing at a bloody nose with a handkerchief. Dino walked him back to Siberia and sat him down at his table with the two hookers. Then he came back to Stones table.

What happened? Eggers asked.

Nothing, Dino replied. I just saved his life, thats all.

Stone turned to Elaine. Why do you allow people like Herbie in here?

He pays cash, Elaine replied.

The three were picking over the remains of the porterhouse when Eggers flagged down a waiter and pointed at the enormous bone. Wrap that up for my wifes dog, will you?

Bill, Stone said, your wife has a Yorkshire terrier; that bone will eat him.

Itll keep him away from my shoes for a few days, Eggers replied, accepting the foil-wrapped gift from the waiter. You pay three grand for a pair of custom-made shoes from Lobbs, and a four-pound canine perforates them.