Charles Todd - A False Mirror

HAMPTON REGIS Early February, 1920

It was a bitterly cold night of frost, the stars sharp and piercingly bright overhead.

He pulled the motorcar to the verge and settled to watch the house that lay directly across the black expanse of water. It stood out against the sky, amazingly clear. Even from here he could tell there were lamps burning in three of the rooms. He could picture them in his mind: at the rear of the house-the sitting room, very likely. In the entry, where the pattern of the fanlight over the front door shone starkly against the deep shadows there-behind it the staircase, of course. And one on the first floor, under the eaves.

Their bedroom, surely.

The sitting room lamp went out after half an hour. He could see, for an instant, the grotesque silhouette cast for a moment or two against the drawn shades as someone reached out to turn down the flame. And then the silhouette reappeared briefly in the fanlight just as the second lamp was extinguished.

He leaned forward, his concentration intense, then swore as the windscreen clouded with his breath.

Were there two people in the bedroom now?

He couldnt bear to think about it. He couldnt bear to picture her in another mans arms, wrapped in the warmth of the bedclothes, whispering softly, her hair falling over his shoulder and across his chest

His fists pounded angrily on the steering wheel as he tried to force the images out of his mind.

And then the last lamp went out, leaving the house in darkness. Shutting them in. While he sat there, like a fool, in the windless night, cold and wretched.

It was the fourth time hed driven into Hampton Regis. He had promised the doctor hed do no such thing. But the temptation was too strong, overwhelming his better judgment. Haunted by the need to know, he had told himself that once would do no harm. But once had become twice. And now here he was again.

Dr. Beatie had said, Stephen-you arent healed yet. Do you understand? Emotional distress could put you back here, in a worse state than before!

Both of them knew it was a lie. There could be no worse state than the one hed somehow, miraculously, survived. He had had to kill the Captain before Dr. Beatie could set him free. He wished now it had been Matthew Hamilton who had died.

He caught himself, knowing it was wrong to wish such a thing. But God, he was tired, and alone, and sometimes afraid. He wanted things the way they had been in 1914. Before the war-the trenches-the nightmares. Before Matthew Hamilton had walked into the clinic waiting room to comfort Felicity and told her-what? Lies? Or the sordid truth? That her fiance was a coward.

After a time Stephen got out to crank the motorcar, the sound of the powerful engine roaring into life and filling the cold silence. He would freeze to death if he sat here, uselessly mourning.

Setting his teeth, he turned the motorcar and without looking again at the darkened house behind him, drove back the way hed come.

He couldnt see behind the silken white curtains that covered the window under the eaves a pale face staring out into the night, watching the puff of exhaust whip across the rear light, a wraith shielding its brightness until it was out of sight.

Matthew Hamilton rose early, quietly throwing back the bedclothes and the counterpane that covered him, then tucking the ends around his wifes bare shoulder. Looking down at her, he marveled again at his luck. Then reminded himself that it wasnt his luck at all, but someone elses misfortune, that he had married this lovely, loving woman in his bed.

Wryly turning away, he dressed quickly and then set about making up the fire so that the room would be warm for her. When it was drawing well, he went down to the kitchen and blew the fire there into life for the kettle. While he waited for it to boil, he raised the shades and looked out at the clear, cold morning. The sun was not yet up, but a pale rose had begun to streak the winter-brown lawns spreading to the cliff face overlooking the sea. The water beyond was still, waiting for the sun, and farther out there was a soft mist blanketing it.

To the west, across the harbor below, the land rose up again, running out to a point a little higher than the one on which his house was set. The pair of headlands formed two arms embracing the Mole-the medieval stone pier that jutted out across the shingle to the tideline-creating a haven for shipping along Englands south coast in an age when sailing ships made Hampton Regis rich.

There had once been a watchtower on the far headland, built to keep an eye on Napoleon. Only ruins stood there now, overgrown at the base, a few feet of stone still reaching upward like pleading fingers.

Two days ago hed seen a vixen and her kits romping there, and hed been touched by their exuberance, wondering how any man could hunt them down. Farmers were often a backward lot, though it was an unkind thing to say. But foxes kept vermin down, and like the old owl in the belfry at the church, deserved a better character than theyd been given.

The kettle whistled behind him, startling him, and he moved quickly to lift it off the plate. He enjoyed these few minutes alone, before the maid arrived, before the house was a-bustle. He also enjoyed spoiling his wife, doing such small things for her pleasure. A far cry from his long years of exile in other countries, alone and often distrusted, the voice of London when often London had left him to his own devices. It was over, and he called himself happy.

Felicity was standing by the window when he brought her tea, her robe belted tightly about her waist.

Watching for the foxes? he asked. They should be active again this morning. He handed her a cup as she turned.

But she hadnt been watching for the foxes. He could see that in her face. Why was love so perceptive? It would be better off blind, he thought, pretending not to notice her guilt.

She was saying, We ought to have a fine day. Just as well-Ive a thousand things to do! She smiled up at him, then reached out to lay her free hand against his cheek. I do love you, Matthew, she told him softly.

He covered her fingers with his own. Im glad, he responded simply. I dont quite know how I managed to live so many years without you.

She set down her cup and walked over to the blazing fire. Shall I take the dogcart or the motorcar?

The motor, of course. It will be warmer.

She nodded, thinking about her errands. Then she said, Must you call on Miss Trining today? Shell have something to say about you arriving in a dogcart. Far beneath your dignity.

He laughed. Yes, I know. I shall never live up to old Petries standards. Queen Victoria herself couldnt have found fault with him.

I should hope not. She knighted him, Felicity answered, laughing with him. But just think-the next important man who chooses to reside here will be held up to your standards. She lowered her voice. Not quite the man Matthew Hamilton was, you know, she said gruffly in imitation of Miss Trining. I dont know what the Foreign Office is coming to these days!

It was perfect mimicry.

It would never do for you to attend a vestry meeting. Id see your face down the table, know what you were thinking, and lose any reputation I ever had for being a sober, God-fearing civil servant. Theyd chuck me out on the spot for unseemly levity.

Not you, she said quickly. God knows, theyre lucky to have someone under eighty willing to serve. I on the other hand would be burned at the stake, before sunrise. Like Guinevere.

She bit her lip as she spoke the name, wishing she could take it back. She put her arms around his neck, her eyes closed. Hold me, she begged.

And he did, her tea forgotten.

LONDON End of February, 1920