Ian Watson - More Blood Sex & Scooby Snacks

MORE

BLOOD SEX

&

SCOOBY SNACKS

BY

IAN WATSON

Copyright 2013 Ian Watson. All Rights Reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, transmitted or stored in any manner without the written permission of the publisher.

How about that chick on the cover? Seriously, I would do her.

INTRODUCTION

BY MICHAEL BAY

(Not the filmmaker, the fast food employee)

Hopefully youve read this books predecessor, Blood Sex & Scooby Snacks , which won a National Book Award, was nominated for the Nobel Prize and was made into a $400m movie directed by Guillermo Del Toro that won eleven Oscars. It was the first book written by a minimum wage schmuck to be lauded by President Obama, who named it as his favourite read of 2013. George Clooney said it had gotten him more pussy than Jack Chics How To Pick Up Chicks . And Charlie Sheen said he has tiger blood in his veins, but hes a drug-addled fuckhead who doesnt know how to keep his mouth shut.

In case you missed it, and in so doing unwittingly condemned the human race to a new Dark Age where dinosaurs walk the streets and Simon Cowell is President, it was all about Smurfs and even though it cost a ton of dough to make it ripped off Dances With Wolves .no, wait, that was Avatar . Well, whatever it was about, it was deep and profound and there were titties in it. Like Last Tango In Paris, really.

There was some stuff in there about why you should never watch a sequel to a movie about a film crew that goes to a haunted asylum or, come to think of it, any movie about a film crew that goes to a haunted asylum. You should also avoid paying to see a rip-off starring the stupid spoiled slut whore socialite from The Hottie And The Nottie . Or I Still Know What You Did Last Summer . Youll have more fun with a mail-order rubber vagina and a can of Easy Cheese. Trust me, I know.

Along with Halloween Resurrection, House of the Dead and The Haunting , these are the kind of films that reduce horror to the level of Scooby Doo! Where Are You? This is the book that mocks them. Welcome.

Before you ask, no, I am not a filmmaker or professional critic. Im just some asshole. I got talked into writing this introduction because I have the same name as the director of Bad Boys , a movie about a cop who gets shot in the ass. There were lots of stunts and explosions and it was a big hit so they made a sequel where the guy got shot in the ass again, but this time he spent the whole film telling people he got shot in the ass. It was also a hit so now my namesake makes commercials for a toy manufacturer.

Which are, without a doubt, the biggest pieces of shit ever.

Why are modern movies so shitty, you ask? Why are they so loud, brash and dumb? Why is so much multiplex fodder little more than soulless Corporate product?

Its all something to do with a porno called On Golden Blonde.

Maybe you never heard of this little buddy, or you mightve seen it seventeen times like I have, but did you know theres also a movie called On Golden Pond ? No kidding Barbarella was in it. She didnt perform a striptease during the opening credits this time though because her dad was also in the cast, and dads tend to look down on things like that. Mine didnt, but thats another story. Anyway, it was released in 1981, and the only film that made more money that year was Raiders of the Lost Ark . That means it was a bigger hit than Superman II, The Cannonball Run or For Your Eyes Only . Hell, it probably made more than Rocky, Halloween or Friday The 13 th .

Now, if memory serves, there was a Superman III, The Cannonball Run II, Rocky II, Halloween II, Friday The 13 th Part II and so on and so forth.but never an On Golden Pond II.

Why not? Because that is an Old Farts movie, and by the 80s Hollywood had given up on Old Farts. Theyd pushed the studios towards bankruptcy when they failed to turn up to see Cleopatra, Paint Your Wagon, Dr Doolittle, Hello, Dolly! etc, so fuck em. Nobody was going to bet their shirt on pictures that catered to the cast of Cocoon .

Instead, Hollywood turned to the most undemanding demographic known to man the teenagers and quickly realized you could score big by selling them processed garbage. The fast food industry had been doing it for years. The Kids always had X dollars to spend, had no taste, no common sense and they thought Martin Luther was a Civil Rights leader. They were the perfect audience for The Cannonball Run II.

Also for Howard The Duck, The Golden Child, The Last Action Hero, Cutthroat Island, Batman & Robin, Spiceworld, Wild Wild West, The Phantom Menace, Freddy VS Jason, The Fog, The Last Airbender, Indiana Jones & The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull etc.

Tinseltown comes up with all kinds of reasons why it pollutes the Earth with such foul junk. Theyre just giving the audience what it wants. The fans demanded it. It wasnt supposed to please critics and win awards blah blah blah.

All bullshit.

The name of the game is to separate suckers from their bread. Its called Show business . Right, gang?

But this is no way to open a book.unless its a book about shitty films. Then its perfect. Understand, I am not making fun of indie filmmakers, just the Company Men who thought our planet would be a brighter place with a remake of The Stepfather in it. The last few years have seen some pretty decent low-budget efforts: Red, White And Blue, Nailbiter, Deadheads, You Cant Kill Stephen King, Bad Milo, Saturday Morning Mystery. You could save the world by watching them instead of Transformers: Dark of the Moon.

Saturday Morning Mystery in particular is worth your time because its about four meddling kids and their Great Dane (named Hamlet, obviously) who roam the country solving mysteries, except here the villains dont wear masks and they like the taste of human flesh. Critics have called it a fun idea that goes astray when the violence turns serious, but similar things were said about The Return of the Living Dead (1985). To my mind, this sucker does something unique: it starts out as parody, finishes up as a horror movie.

Mostly, its the other way around.

Michael Bay

Newark, NJ

October 2013

Every town should have a Crazy Ralph. Played by Walt Gorney in the first two Friday The 13th films, this local prophet of doom has taken it upon himself to warn young folks that if they dont skedaddle toot sweet then theyll be late for more than their next dental appointment. Sure, his wardrobe and diction need serious attention, and his delivery probably frightens more co-eds than it convinces, but its the thought that counts.

You see, Ralphs the only thing standing between you and the masked psychos, overzealous mothers and hockey-loving zombies that lurk in every American small town. His presence is your signal to cancel your plans and head for home. Or maybe you should call your agent, because if you see him, chances are youre appearing in either a horror movie or a Scooby Doo cartoon.

Sometimes its hard to tell the difference. Even looking at the cast doesnt tell you much because its two attractive leads, a nerd, a stoner plus a brown-skinned comic relief character who speaks in a peculiar dialect, eats watermelon and shows more interest in Scooby snacks than the ladies. Then theres the dialogue. Whenever somebody finds themselves trapped, they say, Were trapped! Upon entering a haunted house, they say, This place is spooky! Theres also the Talking Villain scene, where the culprit gives a speech explaining his sinister scheme, which he mightve gotten away with if it hadnt been for those meddling kids and their damn dog.

Scientists, Mayors, college Deans, police officers and, now you mention it, pretty much every other person in a position of authority, right down to the parents, cannot be trusted. Also, the Sheriff is either unhelpful, corrupt or thoroughly evil, and probably has a dark secret. Also a Deputy dumb enough to deny the monsters existence without first looking over his shoulder. Although thats no guarantee that hes not the villain.