Joe Lansdale - Devil Red

We were parked at the curb in Leonards car, sitting near a busted-out streetlight. We were looking at a house about a block up. It was a dark house on a dark street next to another dark house, and beyond that was an abandoned baseball field grown up with summer-burnt grass that had died two months back but was still standing, the tops curved over like bent sword tips. A fresh fall wind was bullying some dead leaves about and we had the windows rolled down and the air was cool and soothing. Beyond the baseball field it was dark too.

The whole area wasnt exactly what youd call a great place to hang out. You did, there was a chance theyd find you next morning in a ditch with your throat cut, your pockets turned inside out, and sperm in your ass, or perhaps a sharp instrument. It was the kind of place where the mice belonged to gangs.

But there we sat. Sacrifices to fate.

I said, I feel like a hired leg breaker.

You are a hired leg breaker, Leonard said.

This is pretty mean.

He beat up an old woman, Hap. Took her money. Thats so mean the mean has to wear a hat and tie.

A hat and tie?

Its an expression.

No its not.

All right. I made it up.

Of course you did.

Thing is, Leonard said, the cops didnt do dick.

They took him in for questioning.

Whoop-te-doo, Leonard said. And it was Mrs. Johnsons word against his and now hes free and hes sleeping in that house, him and his bud, and they got the old ladys money.

The bud didnt hit her, I said.

Yeah, well, the bud ought not to hang around with the wrong people.

I hang around with you.

But Im charmin, Leonard said, cracking his knuckles. You ready?

I dont know, I said.

Whats to think about? We took the job.

The money for one. Twenty-five dollars, to split. Really? Thats our payment?

Since when do you worry about money?

Since its twelve fifty.

Itll pay us back for those cheap-ass baseball bats, Leonard said.

It will at that. We might even make a quarter or two when its all over.

So what are you complainin about? Youre comin out ahead.

We could go to jail. Thats one complaint. It could be me and you and Marvin and Mrs. Johnson, all of us sitting on a cot in a jail cell knitting sweaters with the words DUMB ASS across the front.

Leonard sighed, leaned back in his seat, and adopted a tone akin to a father about to explain to a son why making bad grades in high school wont get you far in life. This douche bag aint gonna say squat. Hes got a badass reputation to maintain. Think he wants to say he got caught off guard and beat up by a worn-out honky and a handsome majestic queer with baseball bats?

Reputation? He beat up an old lady, what kind of reputation is that?

He probably doesnt advertise that part, just the stuff about him being a big gangster and all. Hes a legend in his own mind. Were just here to get Mrs. Johnsons money back.

Were going to rough somebody up for eighty-eight dollars?

And some change.

Yeah, dont want to forget that, Leonard. He got another forty-five cents.

Forty-six. If youre living on a fixed income, it matters. And, hey, were getting twenty-five dollars of it, and Marvin, hes got a cut comin.

You know we wont take any of it, and he wont either, and that this isnt a real job. This is a favor. Marvin to her, us to him.

Yeah, but we can pretend, Leonard said. Its fun. Didnt you ever play pretend?

I gave Leonard a sour look. While were pretending, guys in the house might be serious. And Im tired of beating up people and getting beat up.

All right, then. Ill do the hitting. You dont break anything. Him or the furniture. Well just let him know we dont like him doin what hes been doin, and Ill hit him on the meaty parts.

Youre just saying that, arent you? Youre going to break something.

Leonard was silent for a time. He broke her hand, so I got to think maybe his hand has to get broken. But you dont have to do dick in that department, brother. Just come and watch out for his friend. The big guy, Chunk. I might not want him runnin up my ass.

Isnt the friends supposed to be pretty damn big, I said.

Would it put you in better spirits if you broke the guys hand and I watched for the big guy?

No.

Hell, man. You get to choose. Which is it?

I sighed. You do the breaking.

So were on?

Yeah, but remember, when were doing a stretch at Huntsville, I didnt like the idea.

Noted, Leonard said. Ill even give you my bread in the prison cafeteria.

Whats this guys name again?

Whats it matter?

I like to know who Im beating up.

Thomas Traney took the money. The big guy, hes called Chunk, thats all I know. You heard this already.

Yeah, but I wasnt listening so good. I didnt think we were really going to do it. Next well be twisting grade-schoolers wrists to find out who took whose lunch money. Or maybe we can take their lunch money ourselves, being tough guys and all.

You through bitchin? Leonard said, pulling on a pair of skintight gloves, then handing me a pair.

I nodded, put on the gloves, leaned over the seat and got the baseball bats, and handed one to Leonard.

We got out of the car and started across the dark yard, went over the dry grass, and up on the back porch. I looked back toward the baseball field and the dark there, just in case someone was watching.

Nothing.

Leonard leaned an ear against the door.

Quieter than a politicians brain, Leonard said.

We ought to leave it that way.

Leonard touched the door and pushed gently. This is a weak and shitty door, he said.

I didnt say anything this time. I knew it was too late. It was on.

Leonard stepped back and stomp-kicked the door hard. The doors lock broke and there was a sound of splintered wood and the door swung wide and slammed against the wall, and we were in.

There was a hallway, and we went along that quick. There was a room to the left with the door open, and I looked in there. There was nothing but heaps of trash. I looked at Leonard and shook my head. The house stank of cigarettes.

Leonard went down the hall ahead of me, a man on a mission. I rushed to keep up. He boldly opened a door on the right and went in and I looked in after him. There was a mattress on the floor, and a woman on it, and there was a window to her right and a bit of moonlight coming through it. All I could tell about her was she was dark-skinned and her eyes were wide and she was nude from the waist up; the rest of her was covered in bedclothes. I knew from the way her head went a little to my left that she was watching someone in the corner, and I said, Watch it!

Leonard wheeled and a gun fired and everything went bright for a moment and a bullet whistled through the air and smacked into the wall. I saw Leonard move, and he was across the room fast as an arrow in flight. I could hear the air split as he swung the bat. The gun barked again from the shadows, and I jumped. I rushed inside the room, even though I wanted to do anything but that.

Leonard had someone on the floor in the corner and his bat went up and then down. The person on the floor screamed, and I heard something behind me. I turned in time to see a black giant in undershorts fill the doorway, then come into the room carrying a cane knife, wearing a moonlit expression that wouldnt pass for humor.

He cocked back the cane knife and I swung the bat at him, hit him in the shin. He barked and stumbled. I hit him again, this time in the side. I heard him grunt and he dropped the cane knife at my feet. I put one foot on it and pushed it back and away from me, into the shadows.

I heard Leonards bat come down hard, and I heard him say, How do you like it?