Franklin Dohanyos - 501 Golf Jokes For Almost All Occassions

501 Golf Jokes For Almost All Occassions — read online for free the complete book (whole text) full work

Below is the text of the book, divided by pages. System saving the place of the last page read, allows you to conveniently read the book "501 Golf Jokes For Almost All Occassions" online for free, without having to search again every time where you left off. Put a bookmark, and you can go to the page where you finished reading at any time.

Light

Font size:

↓

↑

Georgia Tahoma Arial Verdana

Reset

Interval:

↓

↑

Bookmark:

Make

1234567...41

Table of Contents

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

I would like to thank all the family, friends, clients, acquaintances, and strangers who took the time to pass along a funny golf joke or two. I enjoyed hearing and reading them all.

This book is heartily endorsed by the authors son, Jordan, future golf champion of the world!

Accept no substitute!

Jordan Dohanyos

BAD GOLFERS

. A golfer was trying everything to beat his personal best at his favorite course, but kept tearing up sod with his tee shots and fairway shots. Near the end of a round he turned to his caddie and said, Man, Id move heaven and earth to break a hundred on this course.

The caddie said, Try heaven. Youve already moved most of the earth.

. All the caddies at the local country club hated Barney, one of the clubs longstanding members, because he was a hack golfer, always blamed the caddies for his poor game, and was the cheapest man on earth. When he pulled into the lot, all the caddies would hide or pretend to be busy helping other golfers. Well, one day Barney pulled into the lot and the caddies scattered, all except for one who happened to be in the rest room at the time. When the unsuspecting caddie came out of the rest room, there was Barney, waiting for him. Barney and the caddie left for the first tee. By the seventh hole Barney was twenty-one strokes over par, on course for another banner day. He hit his tee shot on eight into some nearby trees. The shot bounced off the trees like a pinball and came flying back at the caddie, nearly removing one of his family jewels and doubling him over. The caddie was in agony and furious.

When Barney asked what club he might use to help his driving, the caddie shouted, Why dont you use your penis! Youre going to screw it up anyway!

. A rich Texas oil man purchased a posh country club known for its beautiful course. One day he closed the course to the public and invited all the local media to come see it and play a round. One local TV sportscaster asked the man how each holes par was determined. The man smiled and said, Well, thats simple, son. Ya see, I own this course so it can be any par I want. Take that hole over there, for instance. That hole is a par-47, and yesterday I almost birdied the sucker.

. Two singles arrived at the local country club for a round of golf and were paired up by the club pro. After a few minutes of discussion they learned that they both served in the armed forces in World War II. One was a former marine drill sergeant, and the other was an air force commander.

It wasnt long before they were talking about the war. They shared boot camp stories, war memories, and jokes about todays recruits. Everything was fine until the fourth hole, when the marine sergeant was finishing a story about how the marines were called in to stop a runaway tank. Of course, you know, the marines are the bravest men in the armed forces.

The commander dropped his five iron and looked at him. Just what the heck do you mean by that?

The sergeant replied, Who do you call in to take new territory? Who do you call in when youre outnumbered? Who gets chosen for the most covert operations?

The commander replied, Really? Well, while you are hiding in the bushes, who is in the sky, visible to the enemy? Who do you call for backup when youre outnumbered? And who is always called in during a losing battle? Theres no question. The air force has the bravest men. The two men debated the subject throughout the entire round, each providing good examples to prove his point. After finishing, they decided to have a beer at the clubhouse and continue debating.

After about an hour, the marine sergeant stood up and said, Well, my wife is fixing a big dinner for some old war buddies and their wives. I need to get back home. How about we play again next week?

The air force commander put down his bottle and shook the sergeants hand and said, I owe you an apology. Anyone who played like you did today and is willing to come back to the same golf course is a much braver man than myself!

. A golf club was having a competition in which a new car was being given away to anyone who hit a hole in one on the eighteenth hole, a long par-3. The car was on display about forty yards from the hole. No one had any luck winning the car when the final foursome was ready to tee off on the eighteenth. The first three members in the group didnt come close. The fourth member, a real hack golfer, grabbed a 5-iron and teed his ball. He took a mighty swing, sending the ball directly toward the car and through the windshield. A stunned silence fell over the crowd.

Suddenly the club pro came running over to the hack golfer, Hey, moron, when we say hole in one, we mean put the ball in the cup, not the car!

. A foursome of hack golfers walked into the clubhouse for a few beers after a round of golf. The bartender took their drink orders and asked how their game went. The first guy said he had a good round, with thirty-two rides. The second guy said he did all right, with nineteen rides. The third guy said not too bad since he had twelve rides. The fourth guy was disappointed and said that he played badlyonly two rides. The bartender didnt want to seem stupid so he just smiled and walked away. He called over to the pro shop and asked the pro what the heck these guys meant when they said rides.

The pro laughed and said, A ride is when you hit a shot long enough to take a ride on the golf cart.

. A guy comes home from the golf course and says, Im not playing golf with Bill anymore.

His wife says, Why not?

Tell me, would you play with a guy who slices every drive into other fairways, doesnt yell fore when hes shooting near other people, rips up more sod than a bulldozer, loses more balls than he brings, drinks too much, and tells lousy jokes? he asks.

Of course not, she says.

Well, neither will Bill!

. Two mathematicians go golfing one morning. Neither of them is very good at the game. After the first nine holes they decide to check their scores. One looks at the other ones score sheet and says, How the hell did you get through grad school without being able to count past four!

. One golfer commenting on anothers lucky shot: Jimmy, for most people that would be considered a good shot. Considering you hit it, though, its a brilliant shot!

. Before starting play, a hack golfer was bragging in the locker room to the club pro about his new set of graphite shaft clubs. After his round the hack went to the clubhouse for a few drinks. The club pro happened by and asked him how his new clubs worked out.

Next page

1234567...41

Light

Font size:

↓

↑

Georgia Tahoma Arial Verdana

Reset

Interval:

↓

↑

Bookmark:

Make

Similar books «501 Golf Jokes For Almost All Occassions»

Look at similar books to 501 Golf Jokes For Almost All Occassions. We have selected literature similar in name and meaning in the hope of providing readers with more options to find new, interesting, not yet read works.

Steve Gould

The Golf Delusion: Why 9 Out of 10 Golfers Make the Same Mistakes

Joshua Shifrin

Golf Jokes: 350 Hilarious Quips, Zingers, and Belly Laughs

Peter Post

Unwritten Rules of Golf

Tom Doak

The Anatomy of a Golf Course: The Art of Golf Architecture

Bob Rotella

The Unstoppable Golfer: Trusting Your Mind & Your Short Game to Achieve Greatness

Steve Page

Putting Secrets for the Weekend Golfer

Rotella

Golf is Not a Game of Perfect

Pennington

On par: the everyday golfers survival guide

Øyehaug

Wait, Blink

Canfield Jack

Chicken Soup for the Golfers Soul: 101 Stories of Insight, Inspiration and Laughter on the Links

Bob Rotella

The Golfer’s Mind: Play to Play Great

Joseph A. Amato

Golf Beats Us All (And So We Love It)

Discussion, reviews of the book 501 Golf Jokes For Almost All Occassions and just readers' own opinions. Leave your comments, write what you think about the work, its meaning or the main characters. Specify what exactly you liked and what you didn't like, and why you think so.