Johnny Sharpe - Absurdly Big Adult Joke Book

This edition published in 2011 by Arcturus Publishing Limited
26/27 Bickels Yard, 151153 Bermondsey Street,
London SE1 3HA

Copyright 2009 Arcturus Publishing Limited

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without written permission in accordance with the provisions of the Copyright Act 1956 (as amended). Any person or persons who do any unauthorised act in relation to this publication may be liable to criminal prosecution and civil claims for damages.

ISBN: 978-1-84858-612-3
AD001422EN

"Mummy, the milkman's here. Are you going to pay him or shall I go out to play?"

*

A woman was walking along the street with her little daughter when they came upon two dogs humping. When the daughter asked her mother what they were doing, embarrassed Mum did some quick thinking and replied, "The dog on top has hurt itself so the one underneath is carrying it."

"Well, isn't that just typical?" said the little girl. "You try and do someone a good turn and all they do is turn round and f*ck you."

*

A little girl in a convent school asks her teacher, an old nun, who came first, Adam or Eve.

"Adam," replied the nun. "Men always come first."

*

"My dad's got two of those," said little Tommy as he watched his grandfather urinating.

"No, that's not right," replied his grandfather, "you're mistaken there."

"I'm not," replied the little boy. "He's got a little one for weeing with and a great big purple one for cleaning the au pair's teeth."

*

When she was a baby, she was so shy, she used to change her own nappies.

*

I always knew my parents really hated me.

My bath toys were a kettle and toaster.

*

"Mummy, Mummy, the au pair is in bed with a strange man.

Ha ha, got you! April Fool. It's only Daddy."

*

A father was very upset about his young son's betting habits, so went up to school to talk to the boy's teacher, who promised to have a word with him.

"Maybe if he lost heavily on a bet, it would cure him," she suggested. That night after school she asked the boy to stay behind and confronted him about the bad habits he was getting into.

"It's not only me, Miss," replied the boy. "You're a cheat; you pretend to be a natural blonde, but you've got dark hair between your legs."

"I have not!" she blurted out without thinking.

"Oh, yes, you have, and I'll bet you my month's pocket money."

The teacher was in a bit of a quandary. She had promised to help and this could be an expensive bet for him to lose. So she lifted her skirt and dropped her knickers. Having won the bet she rang the boy's father to tell him the good news.

"Damn it!" he said. "This morning he bet me a tenner he'd get your knickers off before the day was out."

*

A junior teacher decided to play a little guessing game with her class."Listen everyone, I'm going to turn around and hold something in my hand and you have to guess what it is. Here's a clue, it's yellow and you can eat it."

One of the children guessed a melon, but another guessed a banana.

"That's right," she said. "Now I'm holding something red in my hand, and this is also something you can eat." A little girl guessed apple.

"Well done, it shows all of you are really thinking." At this point a boy at the back asked if he could have a turn. With his back to the class he said, "I've got something in my hand that's long and has a red tip."

"Now, John, enough of that," said the teacher.

"Actually, it's a match, Miss," says Johnny, "but it shows you're really thinking."

*

Little Billy peeped into his big sister's bedroom one day to see her rubbing her hands between her legs, saying, "I need a man, God, I need a man."

The next night he peeped into her bedroom again and was amazed to find a man in bed with her. Later on that night if anyone had looked in Billy's room they would have seen him rubbing his hands between his legs, saying, "I need a PlayStation, God, please, I need a PlayStation."

*

A woman who lost the top half of her bikini in the sea was running back up the beach with her arms across her breasts when a little boy stopped her.

"Please, Miss," he said. "If you're selling those puppies, can I have the one with the pink nose?"

*

"Mummy, Mummy, why do fairy stories always start, 'Once upon a time...'?"

"They don't always, sweetheart; sometimes they start, 'Had to work late again...' or even, 'Bloody traffic, it took ages...' "

*

"Mummy, Mummy, Bobby's got something I haven't got," said the upset little girl, pointing between her legs.

"Oh, don't worry about that," said Mummy, relieved, "as long as you've got one of these you'll always be able to get one of those."

*

"Daddy, Daddy, are you still growing?"

"Why do you ask, son?"

"Because the top of your head is coming through your hair."

*

Once a week the boy would travel across town to pick up child support money from his father and take it back to his mum. This money had come regularly for 16 years, but on the boy's sixteenth birthday his father told him it was going to be the last payment and to tell his mum he wasn't the father anymore.

"That's OK, Dad," replied the boy. "Mum says you never were."

*

The children go back to school after Christmas and are asked by the teacher what they received from Father Christmas.

"I got a brmmm brmmm," says one little boy, but the teacher is cross and tells him he's not a baby and should use the right names.

"Sorry, Miss, I got a car."

"Well done, Bobby, and how about you, Tracy?"

"I got a woof woof," she said.

Again the teacher had to remind the class to use proper words.

"I got a puppy, Miss," Tracy replied.

"Jason, what did you get?"

The little boy hesitated because he didn't want to get it wrong and make teacher cross with him.

"I, er... got a book," he stuttered.

"Well done," smiled the teacher.

"And what was it called?"

"Winnie The Sh*t, Miss."

*

"Now try and get to sleep, son. Dream about what you would like for Christmas."

"I wanna watch, Daddy," he replied.

"Well, you can't," retorted Dad. "Now get to sleep."

*

A woman was breastfeeding her baby in the park when a young boy sat down next to her.

"What does the baby have to drink?" asked the boy.

"Just milk and orange juice," she replied.

After a few moments' thought, the little boy asked, "Which one is the orange juice?"