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Eddie Campbell - 44 Horrible Dates

Here you can read online Eddie Campbell - 44 Horrible Dates full text of the book (entire story) in english for free. Download pdf and epub, get meaning, cover and reviews about this ebook. year: 2012, publisher: Sourcebooks, genre: Detective and thriller. Description of the work, (preface) as well as reviews are available. Best literature library LitArk.com created for fans of good reading and offers a wide selection of genres:

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Eddie Campbell 44 Horrible Dates

44 Horrible Dates: summary, description and annotation

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This book is a hilarious romp of true life (unfortunately). Read it and prepare for your next date.James Van Praagh, New York Times bestselling author, Talking to Heaven

Every story is the truth and every truthful moment is a hilarious journey! Its as if youre listening to your best friend at a coffee shop and watching a standup take command of the stage. You wont be disappointed as you travel this refreshingly funny road of horrible dates!Debra Wilson, actress/comedian, MADtv

Eddies book is an emotional catharsis for anyone who has ever come home from one horrible date and wondered, What the hell was that? This book is laughoutloud hilarious and extremely well written.Chad Allen, writer, producer, actor, activist

What I have to tell you in this book will seem almost unreal. But you are going to have to keep reminding yourself that these are actual real dates.

  • For everyone who can empathize...

Eddie Campbell: author's other books


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Copyright 2012 by Eddie Campbell Cover and internal design 2012 by Sourcebooks - photo 1

Copyright 2012 by Eddie Campbell Cover and internal design 2012 by Sourcebooks - photo 2

Copyright 2012 by Eddie Campbell

Cover and internal design 2012 by Sourcebooks, Inc.

Cover design by Lauren Panepinto

Cover images Shutterstock/Yuri Shchipakin

Sourcebooks and the colophon are registered trademarks of Sourcebooks, Inc.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systemsexcept in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviewswithout permission in writing from its publisher, Sourcebooks, Inc.

This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information in regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering legal, accounting, or other professional service. If legal advice or other expert assistance is required, the services of a competent professional person should be sought. From a Declaration of Principles Jointly Adopted by a Committee of the American Bar Association and a Committee of Publishers and Associations

All brand names and product names used in this book are trademarks, registered trademarks, or trade names of their respective holders. Sourcebooks, Inc., is not associated with any product or vendor in this book.

This book is a memoir. It reflects the authors present recollections of his experiences over a period of years. Some names and characteristics have been changed, some events have been compressed, and some dialogue has been re-created.

Published by Sourcebooks, Inc.

P.O. Box 4410, Naperville, Illinois 605674410

(630) 9613900

Fax: (630) 9612168

www.sourcebooks.com

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Campbell, Eddie

44 horrible dates / Eddie Campbell.

p. cm.

1. Dating (Social customs)Humor. I. Title. II. Title: Forty-four horrible dates.

PN6231.D3C36 2012

818.602dc23

2011051026

This is a work of nonfiction. Unfortunately, and sometimes unbelievably, these stories of my horrible dates are all true.

From the moment I picked up your book, until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend on reading it.

Groucho Marx

Table of Contents
The Dedication

For the 2 billion people in the world who are single, this book is dedicated to you. For the 50 percent of married people who will end up single, this book is dedicated to you.

I am dedicating this book to everyone who is single, was once single, and might forever be single. I am dedicating this book to anyone who has spent countless hours and countless amounts of money going on dates that were unforgettably terrible. I am dedicating this book to anyone who reads this and says, My god, I have had it so easy. I am dedicating this book to every man and woman across our globe who has been on one horrible date, much less forty-four.

We all have a horrible date story or have at least heard horrible date stories from someone else. And hearing other peoples stories does make us feel better about our own dating disasters. So consider this book like a personal letter to you. Consider it therapy. I want you to know there is someone out there who has had it much worse than you, even if it means reliving the forty-four worst dates of my life.

After you read this, I may need to hear your horrible date stories.

The First Date
Tim

On a balmy, breezy Friday night in the winter of 1994, I pulled up to Tims house for our first date. I was driving my maroon 1993 Toyota Celica with the sunroof tilted up to look sporty. I drove that car around Los Angeles with the pride of a tiger. I had my car washed that day so that it would sparkle like a marquise diamond, and I had the car wash add new car scent air freshener, which surprisingly works.

I was looking as good as I possibly could in my black button-down shirt and faded jeans with deliberately ripped holes in the knees. I was wearing edgy sneakers to seem laid-back and hip. My hair was as spiky as I could make it. I had the confidence of a bull charging a matadors red cape.

The omnipresent Los Angeles palm trees were swaying gently in the wind, like a Las Vegas showgirls headdress center stage. The trees appeared to dance, and the rustling branches created a sound that was soothing and relaxing. It was just windy enough to blow the smog away.

It was a very clear nightthe operative word being clear because the air in Los Angeles is rarely clear. When the air is clear in LA, it puts true Angelenos in a great mood and almost everyone comes across as nearly friendlyalmost human. Calm down, I said almost!

I had been looking forward to my date all day long. Not working the day before gave me plenty of time to go the gym, get a haircut, and drink plenty of water so that my skin looked fantastic. Unfortunately, having the day off before this date gave me way too much time to fantasize how great he might be. I was happy. I was excited. Too excited.

It took me forty-five minutes to drive six miles to Tims house, so I really had to pee when I arrived. Going anywhere in a car in LA is quite often a mini road trip. I figured I could hold my bladder until we got to the restaurant. From the curb, Tims house was charming, extremely well kempt, and manicured, which pleasantly surprised me.

I called Tim from my console-mounted car phone (hey, it was 1994), and he came out, looking more attractive than I remembered. The reason I didnt remember Tim well is because I had met him at a bar, and I was really drunk at the time. (So perhaps he didnt remember what I looked like also?) Oh well, too late. Whatever he remembered, as he walked toward my car, all I could think was, This guy is hot !

It seemed like it took him an hour to get to my car, as if he were walking in slow motion. I was thinking of so many things. I bet hes witty, smart, good in bed. And hopefully he has a huge penis. (Hey, lets face it; no one hopes that a guy has a small dick.)

With those visions still floating around in my head (like soap bubbles with tiny little fairy godmothers inside them), Tim opened my car door, plopped down, and before he could even close the doorhe farted.

My imaginary soap bubbles quickly popped like nuclear explosions. The fairy godmothers shrieking out in horror as Tim let one rip with the roar of a ferocious lion defending its young. This was not a petite little quiet fart that easily could have been passed off as a leather seat noise, but a loud, horrendous, male fart. The kind of fart a bunch of guys watching the Super Bowl do on purpose to make each other laugh.

I didnt know what to do next. I froze up, deadpan expression, like a person on a diet caught going into the refrigerator at 2:00 a.m. Should I have pretended like I was sleepwalking?

I made the split-second decision to ignore Tims form of nonverbal communication. At which point Tim chimed in with, I had a bean burrito for lunch.

I was completely silent. My mouth was wide open as I stared directly ahead, my nostrils internally closed off at prison lockdown.

I had a gut feeling this night would not end well.

Tim closed the door and I thought, Oh my god, how the hell do I carefully and discreetly roll down the windows? So many thoughts were going through my head. This time, my thoughts were not fantastical. I was perplexed. I was offended. AndI also thought it was funny. But I didnt know what the social filter would be for addressing a first date, first impression, first fart together.

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