Lawrence Block - The Ehrengraf Nostrum

Gardner Bridgewater paced to and fro over Martin Ehrengrafs office carpet, reminding the little lawyer rather less of a caged jungle cat than what? He doth bestride the narrow world like a Colossus, Ehrengraf thought, echoing Shakespeares Cassius. But what, really, did a Colossus look like? Ehrengraf wasnt sure, but the alleged uxoricide was unquestionably colossal, and there he was, bestriding all over the place as if determined to wear holes in the rug.

If Id wanted to kill the woman, Bridgewater said, hitting one of his hands with the other, Id have damn well done it. By cracking her over the head with something heavy. A lamp base. A hammer. A fireplace poker.

An anvil, Ehrengraf thought. A stove. A Volkswagen.

Or I might have wrung her neck, said Bridgewater, flexing his fingers. Or I might have beaten her to death with my hands.

Ehrengraf thought of Longfellows village blacksmith. The smith, a mighty man is he, with large and sinewy hands, he murmured.

I beg your pardon?

Nothing important, said Ehrengraf. Youre saying, I gather, that if murderous impulses had overwhelmed you, you would have put them into effect in a more spontaneous and direct manner.

Well, I certainly wouldnt have poisoned her. Poisons sneaky. Its the weapon of the weak, the devious, the cowardly.

And yet your wife was poisoned.

Thats what they say. After dinner Wednesday she complained of headache and nausea. She took a couple of pills and lay down for a nap. She got up feeling worse, couldnt breathe. I rushed her to the hospital. Her heart ceased beating before Id managed to fill out the questionnaire about medical insurance.

And the cause of death, Ehrengraf said, was a rather unusual poison.

Bridgewater nodded. Cydonex, he said. A tasteless, odorless, crystalline substance, a toxic hydrocarbon developed serendipitously as a by-product in the extrusion-molding of plastic dashboard figurines. Alyssas system contained enough Cydonex to kill a person twice her size.

You had recently purchased an eight-ounce canister of Cydonex.

I had, Bridgewater said. We had squirrels in the attic and I couldnt get rid of the wretched little beasts. The branches of several of our trees are within leaping distance of our roof and attic windows, and squirrels have quite infested the premises. Theyre noisy and filthy creatures, and clever at avoiding traps and poisoned baits. Isnt it extraordinary that a civilization with the capacity to devise napalm and Agent Orange cant come up with something for the control of rodents in a mans attic?

So you decided to exterminate them with Cydonex?

I thought it was worth a try. I mixed it into peanut butter and put gobs of it here and there in the attic. Squirrels are mad for peanut butter, especially the crunchy kind. Theyll eat the creamy, but the crunchy really gets them.

And yet you discarded the Cydonex. Investigators found the almost full canister near the bottom of your garbage can.

I was worried about the possible effects. I recently saw a neighbors dog with a squirrel in his jaws, and it struck me that a poisoned squirrel, reeling from the effects of the Cydonex, might be easy prey for a neighborhood pet, who would in turn be the poisons victim. Besides, as I said, poisons a sneaks weapon. Even a squirrel deserves a more direct approach.

A narrow smile blossomed for an instant on Ehrengrafs thin lips. Then it was gone. One wonders, he said, how the Cydonex got into your wifes system.

Its a mystery to me, Mr. Ehrengraf. Unless poor Alyssa ate some peanut butter off the attic floor, Im damned if I know where she got it.

Of course, Ehrengraf said gently, the police have their own theory.

The police.

Indeed. They seem to believe that you mixed a lethal dose of Cydonex into your wifes wine at dinner. The poison, tasteless and odorless as it is, would have been undetectable in plain water, let alone wine. What sort of wine was it, if I may ask?

Nuits-St.-Georges.

And the main course?

Veal, I think. What difference does it make?

Nuits-St.-Georges would have overpowered the veal, Ehrengraf said thoughtfully. No doubt it would have overpowered the Cydonex as well. The police said the wineglasses had been washed out, although the rest of the dinner dishes remained undone.

The wineglasses are Waterford. I always do them up by hand, while Alyssa put everything else in the dishwasher.

Indeed. Ehrengraf straightened up behind his desk, his hand fastening upon the knot of his tie. It was a small precise knot, and the tie itself was a two-inch-wide silk knit the approximate color of a bottle of Nuits-St.-Georges. The little lawyer wore a white-on-white shirt with French cuffs and a spread collar, and his suit was navy with a barely perceptible scarlet stripe. As your lawyer, he said, I must raise some unpleasant points.

Go right ahead.

You have a mistress, a young woman who is expecting your child. You and your wife were not getting along. Your wife refused to give you a divorce. Your business, while extremely profitable, has been experiencing recent cash-flow problems. Your wifes life was insured in the amount of five hundred thousand dollars with yourself as beneficiary. In addition, you are her sole heir, and her estate after taxes will still be considerable. Is all of that correct?

It is, Bridgewater admitted. The police found it significant.

Im not surprised.

Bridgewater leaned forward suddenly, placing his large and sinewy hands upon Ehrengrafs desk. He looked capable of yanking the top off it and dashing it against the wall. Mr. Ehrengraf, he said, his voice barely above a whisper, do you think I should plead guilty?

Of course not.

I could plead to a reduced charge.

But youre innocent, Ehrengraf said. My clients are always innocent, Mr. Bridgewater. My fees are high, sir. One might even pronounce them towering. But I collect them only if I win an acquittal or if the charges against my client are peremptorily dismissed. I intend to demonstrate your innocence, Mr. Bridgewater, and my fee system provides me with the keenest incentive toward that end.

I see.

Now, said Ehrengraf, coming out from behind his desk and rubbing his small hands briskly together, let us look at the possibilities. Your wife ate the same meal you did, is that correct?

It is.

And drank the same wine?

Yes. The residue in the bottle was unpoisoned. But I could have put Cydonex directly into her glass.

But you didnt, Mr. Bridgewater, so let us not weigh ourselves down with what you could have done. She became ill after the meal, I believe you said.

Yes. She was headachy and nauseous.

Headachy and nauseated, Mr. Bridgewater. That she was nauseous in the bargain would be a subjective conclusion of your own. She lay down for a nap?

Yes.

But first she took something.

Yes thats right.

Aspirin, something of that sort?

I suppose its mostly aspirin, Bridgewater said. Its a patent medicine called Darnitol. Alyssa took it for everything from cramps to athletes foot.

Darnitol, Ehrengraf said. An analgesic?

An analgesic, an anodyne, an antispasmodic, a panacea, a catholicon, a cure-all, a nostrum. Alyssa believed in it, Mr. Ehrengraf, and my guess would be that her belief was responsible for much of the preparations efficacy. I dont take pills, never have, and my headaches seemed to pass as quickly as hers. He laughed shortly. In any event, Darnitol proved an inadequate antidote for Cydonex.

Hmm, said Ehrengraf.

To think it was the Darnitol that killed her.